Diana Laurence

I made a playhouse for my cats!

2012-01-09T12:36:00.000-06:00

As you probably know, Blog, I've always wanted to make a house for our cats to play in...and I did! It only took about five hours from start to finish, and used only materials that we already had on hand. It was fun on so many levels:

it required ingenuity
it was a project I could work on with my pets! (sort of)
it cost nothing but my time
the results will provide years of fun for the whole family!

First, I searched the basement to find suitable materials. I scrounged up a "milk crate," three cardboard boxes, carpet squares, a seat cushion, and some quarter round wood trim. I sketched out a plan and gathered tools, then set to work cutting and taping.

The basement was a bit of a mess for awhile.

I used my Dremel tool to cut the hole in the plastic crate and to cut the wood trim. Used it to sand, too...no rough edges for the kitties!

Taken upstairs, the playhouse is ready for less messy steps.

In my design I kept in mind the amenities cats desire in their real estate: place to hide, to poke out of, to be high up, and to lounge comfortably.

There's a little window to peek out of, as Cody discovered.

The cushion is tied onto the crate with its own ties. The crate is wired on through four holes I poked through the carpet and cardboard.

It's comfy already!

I added a flap in front for paws to poke in and out after prey. I hung a jingle ball with twine outside the window. And lastly, I covered the outside with vinyl contact paper. Stylin'!

It's ready to move to it's final location, if I can just get the cats away from it long enough.... Play nice with Selke, Codes! There's room for all!

This pose suggests a declaration of ownership....

Fortunately, Selke can hide out of reach!

Now the playhouse is in its planned location, behind the couch. And here you see Cody caught in mid leap!

He's not too big for the "cage."

And it's easy to socialize or watch TV!

"Ooh, I'm cheering for the Lions! Meow!"

Alice finally woke up to see what happened during her six-hour nap.

"Holy moley, there's a new playhouse!"

She likes it too!

So there you go, Blog...another project to check off my Bucket List. And bonus that it turned out so well! I'd advise our cat-loving readers to try this themselves, I had a blast. And I guess if you have any teeny-tiny carpet squares in your basement, you could do this for your hamster, too!

Polymer clay and resin, yay!

2012-01-03T13:10:00.008-06:00

It's 2012, Blog, and that means another year of cool new crafting techniques to try! For Christmas I asked for the accoutrements I needed to explore using resin, and I wasted no time in trying out this nifty medium. Here you see my latest creation: a Steampunk Charm Necklace using beads I made with polymer clay and resin.

I used Lisa Pavelka's product Magic-Glos, and boy howdy is it great stuff! All you need to cure it is either sunlight or a UV lamp, and this being Wisconsin in winter, I opted to ask for Lisa's brand of lamp, designed especially for use with these sorts of projects. Those two items were all I needed to get started in resin crafting.

So, here's how I made the charms in my necklace:

There are both silver ones and copper ones, using Premo metallic color polyclay. There are also faux wood ones, also made of clay (I love making faux wood.) I cut out the squares with a beveled clay cutter, then topped them with all kinds of embellishments.

Going for the steampunk theme, I used various clockworks: springs, gears and tiny screws. I used a scrap of sheer Victorian fabric on one. I raided my bead collection for the metal scrollwork, key charm, and various beads, and my misc. junk files for gemstones and a scrap of tarnished copper. I baked the squares in the oven per usual.

Once they were cool, it was resin-ing time, Blog. All you do is put some drops of resin on top of a square, spread with a toothpick to the edges, and let the product self-level. It forms a perfectly clear and smooth dome all by itself! 5 minutes under the UV lamp is all it took to cure, and I ended up putting three coats on to give a nice, high dome.

I drilled holes and superglued in eyepins, then chained the charms together. I'd estimate the whole project took about seven hours.

Photo by Christopher Robleski

I was just thrilled with the result. You're still my best friend, Blog, but I think Uvie here may be a close runner-up. You rock, Uvie!

The mind boggles at the awesome things I'm going to be able to do with resin. Who knows exactly what...but fish and sparkly stuff will no doubt be involved at some point.

Uvie and my Magic-Glos were purchased via Amazon, but you can get them many places. For more info, best place to go is the website of the awesome Lisa herself, www.lisapavelka.com. You've got no "resin" not to! Bwahaha, oh blorg, Blog....

This year's homemade gifts featuring Business Cat!

2011-12-26T20:52:00.000-06:00

Yes, Blog, I am now at liberty to reveal this year's homemade Christmas gifts! Whereas last year I had not one, not two, but three posts on gifts, I apologize for not quite so much volume. But hopefully they will still amuse.

I worked in a couple of new media this year, the first being metal sculpture: this Camera Eye Robot that I made for daughter Katie. It all started with one of those, spot-in-a-shop, declare-"I-can-make-that" situations, Blog. I tracked down the tiny old Japanese camera on eBay, and built the robot from various random parts and scraps I'd amassed. He's a goofy little character with a hook for a hand and buttons from an old calculator, but I think he's pretty lovable. And for sure that itty bitty camera is awesome--it actually works, I guess, and is only 1 1/2" high.

Also new to me, and I think it shows, is the key holder I made for Katie's boyfriend Chris out of wood. These two are fans of retro design as it is especially expressed on Route 66 (see their website and Chris's new book at www.fadingnostalgia.com). So I was going for "Googie" style--e.g., the famous Las Vegas sign--with this key holder. I bought a prefabricated plaque, then cut the parabolas and wedgie things out of balsa wood and glued them on. I stained the wood with watered-down acrylic paint and added edges and starbursts with Sharpie pen. I varnished it all and added screw in hooks. Not bad for a beginner I guess--and it would seem the height of modern to Fred Flintstone.

Time to move into a medium in which I'm more proficient: polymer clay. I also made Katie a Googie-style piece, a switchplate cover. I used a classic 50s palette, and this time threw in that old favorite, the kidney shape. It was fun trying to use a retro font for the lettering--sort of like on a neon sign--and I think it came out fairly well.

Clay-wise, I made a couple of other gifts this year that were really copied directly from other people's work, so I'm not going to show them off, even though they did turn out nicely. And I gave my hopefully-future-step-granddaughter all the stuff she needs to take up claying, so that will be very cool!

On to the needlecrafts....

Last year I made myself a felt camera case, and I'm flattered to say that pro photographer Chris kinda coveted one for his little "casual" camera ever since. So I got the measurements and made him one to fit, and here it is, Blog.

And the final, Really, Really Big Project required not only sewing, but a heck of a lot of Googling, brainstorming with myself, graphic work on the PC, and tedious cutting. In the end it was all worth it to give my husband Davie the gift of his dreams: his own three-dimensional Business Cat.

Davie has been obsessed with this internet meme for a couple years now, to the point where--and I kid you not--he has been known to suddenly whisper "Business Cat" out loud for no apparent reason. So I simply had to find a way to make him one.

I was not about to try to make my own pattern for a stuffed cat that would look like the classic expressionless, round-eyed, all-black critter that is B.C. So I combed the internet and looked at every single black-furred feline available for purchase in the known world. The closest thing to the right look, sadly, was a tuxedo cat. So I actually had to dye his white parts black with copious amounts of fabric dye.

It wasn't too hard to design and make a white collar of cotton fabric. Even the tie wasn't difficult, although I put the plaid on the yellow fabric with felt-tip pens. No, the killer here was how to display the thing, in order to incorporate the hilarious captions that are Business Cat's claim to fame. Like these to the right:

You don't even want to know the ideas I came up with and rejected before the ultimate solution came to me. Business Cat is displayed in an acrylic box made to house a mini replica football helmet, but tipped up on one end. The box "bottom" perfectly holds the caption sheets...25 of which I made to include in the B.C. set. Yes, I made 25 designs (did you know the classic font is Impact, which comes installed with Windows?), printed and trimmed them, and cut out all the openings with an Exacto knife while chatting with my visiting mother-in-law. Thanks heavens she was there to keep me sane.

Add printed backdrop and tie on nifty original tag, and MEOW, I mean VOILA: Davie has a pet Business Cat! Sing it to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus," people:

I want a 3D Business Cat for Christmas,

Only a 3D Business Cat will do!

Don't want a Honey Badger, or critter by Chuck Testa,

I only want a Business Cat 'cuz that meme is the besta,

And 3D Business Cat, he likes me too!

So, from the land of Christmas Crafting, Blog and I say "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Super Fantasgreat New Year!"

M.I.A.

2011-12-06T16:13:00.000-06:00

Can you believe I've been away six weeks, Blog? Scandalous. I cannot hope to excuse THAT kind of absence, but for lack of anything better to post about, here's my feeble accounting for my long-term silence:

1. You know you can always count on my sharing my crafts, but everything I've been doing all this time is in the Top Secret No Reveal Till After Christmas category. If it helps you to deal with the suspense, here are some tiny hints:

--some of the stuff involves containers, some empty, some not
--some could be used as a weapon, or not
--there's pink

2. I also know I like to talk about my writing, but I'm still on my long-term authoring hiatus. I did get to do the editing of this book though. The writing is real nice, I can't wait to see the pictures!

3. You have in the past enjoyed my sharing about my random nocturnal fantasies, but the storylines of those have been a bit thin lately. But if you insist on knowing, there have been two I alternate between.

--The one in which I live in a little Jewish village in the early 20th century, have a crush on the town doctor, and get a job as his assistant. This makes more sense if you know that in real life I have a doctor who is Jewish and he's completely awesome.

--The one in which I am hired to do online research for the team of Mr. Finch and Mr. Reese of the show "Person of Interest." Because I really can't help being attracted to Michael Emerson regardless of the role he plays. (Yeah, and my husband meanwhile has a man-crush on Jim Caviezel, so we make quite the pair.)

4. There is an unbelievable quantity of great TV on right now that is simply too good to miss. I watch about 25 shows faithfully right now. Plus some football and hockey. Plus the occasional holiday special and/or "Income Property" rerun. Yes, that was 25 shows. And I'm picky, people--I cut out the shows that are just "good." Anyone who gripes that there's nothing on the Boob Tube these days needs to take another look...it's become just insane. And "Alcatraz" hasn't even started yet.

5. I've been getting too many kicks out of Facebook. It's so easy to share the thrilling stuff in my life there, I just don't get around to putting it here, Blog! Stuff like

--the fabulous drinks I've been making out of the Magic House bar
--video of our newest collectible snowman, "Spaceman" (pronounced "spa-CHAY-man" of course)
--pictures of my cats, oh heck, I'll show you one too, Blog

So I'm sure it's clear why I haven't been posting. If not, I'll spell it out for you, Blog: L...A...Z...Y. Perhaps I will do better in the new year. At least you know after December 25 you'll be seeing some crafts here, including the pink part.

Can't you wait? Till then, have some happy holidays!

Un-Occupied

2011-10-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

Hey Blog, while I've been away the U.S. has entered into full-scale class warfare...well, ideologically anyway--so far no gunfire. I speak of course of the Occupy Wall Street movement, not to be confused with the Porcupy Wall Street movement, which involves porcupines.

I totally understand the OWSers fury at government bailouts, giant bonuses for CEOs, and legislative decision-making based on corporate political donations. That stuff makes me as sick as the next person. There is a lot of graft and corruption in government fueled by corporate interests (among other fuels)--I get it. Some small percentage of Americans (1% or whatever) calls the shots for the rest of us in many ways, and that's not fair. I left my last job largely because I was tired of working for rich white guys with briefcases full of venture capital and memberships in private clubs catering to rich white guys.

But I'm afraid I'm not digging a lot of this Occupy stuff. It's all WAY too black-and-white for me, and that is never good. The they/us dichotomy worries me. Just when does political fervor cross the line into a new kind of bigotry?

Blog, here's a few of the things about OWS that bother me:

1. The idea that all millionaires/CEOs/rich capitalists are evil. I happen to know several of these and they are actually nice people. For example, some family members and the guy who pays my salary. Now perhaps there's a higher percentage of bad rich people, based on the adage "power corrupts," but countering that is the fact that rich people aren't driven to desperate acts by poverty, like a large percentage of criminals are. Long story short, there is good and bad in everyone. Except Mother Theresa and Hitler, I guess.

2. The belief that corporate America should be hated. I say, feel free to hate the bad things corporate America does from time to time. But remember some of those same things are the reason you can afford that fancy smartphone, and don't point fingers till you're willing to give it up. You can't have it both ways, and good luck refusing to own anything produced by corporate America. I adore the idea of shopping locally and supporting small business, but you can bet some of the tools and services those cozy companies use are provided by big corporate entities. We're all too interconnected to declare full scale war on each other.

3. The sense of entitlement. This is my biggest beef. Nowadays too many people have the habit of declaring anything they want is "a basic human right." I kind of prefer limiting it to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness"...and the pursuit sometimes involves work and smart choices, contrary to popular belief. For example, this is the first generation to have decided society owes them a college education. That's always been something you chose to pay for, maybe even (what a concept!) SAVE for, or not, depending upon your circumstance. I say, if the taxpayers are supposed to pay your tuition, how is that fair to the generations of people who came before and sacrificed for their degrees? If you demand now that those people pay for your higher education as well as their own, who's the good guy and who's the bad guy in that scenario?

4. The disdain for free market capitalism. Heck, Blog, the system that has thrived in America for centuries is now on the "out list," apparently. In its place, we're asked to redistribute our wealth willy-nilly. (Of course, it's the prosperity-challenged who want this. I'm not sure how they'd feel if they suddenly inherited a million bucks and were told they had to give most of it away.) I still don't understand what motivation anyone in the U.S. would have to work, if we put such plans into place. If society is going to pay off your debt, guarantee you a paycheck even if you don't have a job, etc., why wouldn't we all stay home and watch TV?

And what would happen if all these "dreams" came true? This is what I envision:

1. Stripped of capital, America's companies reduce payroll (oh boy, 2009 again), increase prices, and cut back on innovation.

2. Forced to cancel all collection of student loan payments and write off the debt, the U.S. government must cut back on programs and/or raise taxes.

3. With the ability to receive adequate income without working, the rising number of the unemployed stay home, reducing the government's tax revenues still further and forcing corporations to outsource more jobs overseas. Productivity suffers.

4. The impact on the housing market caused by the mandatory write-off of defaulted mortgages is chaos. Banks' balance sheets are thrown out of kilter, there's reduced money available to lend, so only the richest can get new mortgages. Meanwhile some people make a killing selling homes the were previously mortgaged to the hilt.

Bottom line, Blog: economic and social chaos. Which is what comes of tampering with the normal order of things, commerce-wise. If we hate government bailouts of banks, why should we love government bailouts of anything else? Bailing out college grads or homeowners may seem "nicer" than bailing out rich bankers, but it gets you in just as much trouble as a society.

A lot of things need to be fixed, Blog. And here's my list of a few I can think of that we could do:

1. Simplify the tax code so the ultra-rich can't weasel their way out of paying their fair share. That will get us a lot further than raising their taxes only to have them find the usual loopholes anyway.

2. Make government smaller. (Remember "power corrupts"?) How about limited terms, campaign finance reform, and some other such remedies?

3. Fix the broken parts of the system that failed to regulate the financial industry as they should have.

4. Pass reasonable legislation to prevent management bonuses for companies that receive any government support, to limit credit card interest rates and unreasonable fee systems, and similarly curtail gross abuses.

5. Mandate financial studies classes in public high schools, to teach kids practical lessons about credit card debt, student loans, budgeting and saving. (Better their parents should do this, but it seems they've largely dropped the ball and made as big of mistakes as their kids!)

6. Rethink the idea that you have to have a four year college degree right after high school to be a success in the world today. Encourage technical schools, apprenticeship programs, and other worthwhile options for building a skilled workforce...and thus motivate colleges to get their tuition costs under control in order to compete for students.

And above all, Blog: Everyone stop thinking in black and white! Regardless of politics, religion, race, or economic status, we are all people, good and bad. Egg the house of a millionaire and you may have caused trouble for a guy who just gave fifty grand to a school for autistic kids, or whose company is actually responsible for you having a job. Sure, he could be a "greedy capitalist pig," but you don't know, just like you don't know if the OWS protester next to you is a genuine compatriot or simply hoping to steal your cell phone while you're distracted with chanting.

We've got a crapload of things to fix in this country, and wasting our energy on "them vs. us" is getting us nowhere. The government and corporate America know we're pissed, already! Better to leave the park, go home and vote, write letters, teach your kid about compound interest, buy goods responsibly, and get informed about economics, the practices of companies in which you own stock, and the positions of your elected officials.

We're only going to win this by working it out bit by bit. And doing it, as much as possible, together.

What I did with the f'opal wreckage

2011-10-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

Hey Blog and readers, you recall my post about how I made f'opals (faux opals), and you recall how I ended up with some crazy bits and pieces of crystalline awesomeness also known as f'opal wreckage, right? Right! Well,
I tucked that stuff in a baggie and saved it, because I already knew how I was going to use it in future.

You see, some weeks back I came upon pretty much the coolest idea for faux rocks I've ever seen. Like, drop your jaw and have roll away under the couch awesome. It was a sandstone and opal combo devised by a polymer artist called Randee Ketzel. I didn't know how she made them (and still don't, but she does sell a tutorial I believe), but I was determined to try to make my own. And as you can see here, I did!

So, for any of you who braved your way through my f'opal tutorial, or otherwise have devised a method to create twinkly crystally stuff that would work in this sort of rock, here's what you need to make it happen:

REQUIRED ITEMS LIST

some faux opal chunks or other crystalline polymer clay fauxness
white granite polyclay (like Premo Sculpey white granite, which I used)
tan/ivory polyclay
teensy weensy seashells
large embroidery needles, knitting needle, or other pointy tools
beading hole wires
brown acrylic paint
Future floor polish

STEP ONE - PREP THE SANDSTONE

Blend a smidge of tan clay into the granite clay to create a color that is off-white. Roll it out into a thick sheet of clay.

STEP TWO - MAKE THE ROCKS

Take a chunk or two of crystals and wrap them in some sandstone clay. Make an irregular stone-like shape, leaving the crystals peeking out. Make sure the part of the stone that will have the threading hole doesn't have the pathway blocked by the crystal(s).

Use the tiny seashells to create fossil-like markings all over the stone, including the back. Then use two or three sizes of needles or pointed tools to create pits in random groupings and patterns over the stone.

Insert any wires through the rock for threading later. (You can drill holes if you prefer, but because of the rough surface of these rocks, you don't need a neat, smooth hole and can do it this easier way instead.)

Bake per your clay directions (I did 25 minutes at 260 degrees).

STEP THREE - PAINT AND POLISH

Mix a warm, golden brown color of acrylic paint and water it down just a bit. It should be thin in consistency but still opaque.

After cooling your rock and removing any wires, paint it one area at a time with the paint, and then rub off the paint immediately with a clean cloth or paper towel. You'll get the hang of removing most of the color from the surface while leaving paint in the little fossil marks and pits to accentuate them. Try not to get paint on the crystals.

Carefully give the crystals two coats of Future to make them extra shiny.

Your sandstone and f'opals are ready to string! I made this fun set of necklace and earrings, which I am in fact wearing even as I type! As Blog here would know, if he weren't just an anthropomorphized non-corporeal being without actual eyes. I love these rocks and am eternally grateful to Randee for having come up with such a fabulous idea. Yay Randee! Yay clay!

The new Facebook Timeline will be so cool--here's why

2011-09-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

Blog, it's been like a soap opera on Facebook this week...

Will the new "news ticker" drive us all into going postal?
What "huge change" is coming this week that will "revolutionize the Facebook experience?
Will our friends flee to Google+?
Will the FB versus + question accelerate into a battle that rivals PC versus Mac?
And what about Naomi?

People do panic about change, Blog...which I find interesting because dealing with change is, by now, a part of everyday life. Be that as it may, change can be good or bad, and we'll never all agree on which one. My personal opinion is that I'm going to love the new Facebook Timeline, and for what it's worth, here's why.

[The Timeline feature launches automatically the end of this week...I got a jump on it by following this easy tutorial.]

The Timeline turns your past record on Facebook into a sort of digital scrapbook. Your profile page becomes a two-column, magazine-style illustrated narrative. It does this automatically. You can tweak it, but you don't have to put more than five minutes' effort into it if you don't want to. For example, I created a new image for the "cover" picture. The profile looks like the image above right, Blog--or did at that time.

The little do-hickey at the upper right lets you pinpoint anytime since you were born. And key events, like family members' births and your graduation year, are already on the Timeline based on information you and those users already put in Facebook. You can add photos (I put in baby and high school graduation photos of myself) and "life events" as you see fit.

You can also delete anything you choose from the Timeline if it's lame, boring, or embarrassing. The post stays in the database but disappears from the Timeline. It's just another way to make it into the "scrapbook" you want it to be.

I discovered, looking at my Timeline, that it seems I accidentally have been the kind of Facebook user who will doubtless benefit most from this feature. I post a lot of photos and videos, and chronicle fun and interesting events both personal and pop culture. Text-heavy posters may not find the Timeline so exciting, but many of us will really enjoy just perusing past weeks. I did, and it made me laugh and smile and generally feel fortunate to have my life, home, family and friends.

So, as for how I'm finding this changes my outlook as a Facebook user: Already yesterday I found myself thinking in terms of how best to chronicle the day and capture the mood. So, when I decorated the house for fall, I made sure to post some pics. I might have done this anyway, but I was even more motivated knowing I could eventually be looking back at the day from years in the future.

Blog, there's nothing truer than the old adage, "You can't please all of the people all of the time." I know some Facebook users will hate the new features, some will gripe at first but learn to live with them, most will roll with the changes without too much fuss. But some of us are really, really going to like the Timeline and it will actually enhance our lives a bit.

How to make f'opals (faux opals)

2011-09-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

Blog, I find it fascinating that lately we're getting thousands of visitors to the post we did about crazy homecoming mums, when I've never even made crazy homecoming mums. I have, however, made my own brand of faux opals which (thanks to my uberpal Martha's idea) I call f'opals. Why look, here's a f'opal I made now--check it out!

Our readers can make f'opals just like this, Blog! That is, of course, if they have the required items on this Required Items List:

REQUIRED ITEMS LIST

translucent polymer clay (and the usual tools/equipment for working with same)
opal colors of clay, in metallic or pearl varieties (I used blue and green; peach, yellow, pink and purple would be good too)
Perfect Pearls metallic powder in opal colors (see above)
iridescent glitter
Dremel tool
bits for rough sanding, finer sanding, polishing and drilling
Future floor polish
Optional--iridescent or opal colors of thin foil

STEP ONE--PREP YOUR F'OPAL FIXINS'

The general thing about making f'opals, Blog, is that you are trying to recreate the random, translucent, crystalline aspects of an opal. So start by making yourself some globs of translucent clay tinted into pastels, by mixing a bit of metallic or pearl color clay with translucent. Don't mix it too much...go for swirly.

When you have two to five colors, roll them into ropes of varying thickness. Then combine the ropes by twisting and smooching to produce a random, only slightly mixed ball of the various colors.

Get out your Perfect Pearls powders of choice, as well as your iridescent glitter. You can also prepare some tiny teeny snippets of foil if you want, but make them teeny. You can also take some metallic colored clay, roll it out very thin, and chop it into tiny bits...but remember if it is dark colored, you will get an effect not totally opalescent (but still interesting).

STEP 2--BUILD YOUR BASE F'OPALS

Slice the multi-tinted ball of clay into thin layers. Take a layer and paint with some daubs of Perfect Pearls, or sprinkle with some glitter, or top with a piece or two or three of foil or clay fragment. Top with another layer, and repeat. Continue in said fashion, going for random and multicolored.

When you've stacked and festooned all the layers, press together and form into a spheroid shape. Twisting a little is fine--just make sure all the layers are pressed together firmly.

Cut your f'opalescent glob into any number of smaller globs, the approximate size you want the ultimate f'opals to be. Gently roll each piece into a sphere.

Roll some plain translucent clay into the thinnest possible layer. Cover each sphere with this clay and then round into a ball again and make sure any seams are smoothed out.

Bake as usual for the type and size of clay (I did 20 minutes at 270 degrees).

STEP 3--HERE'S WHERE IT GETS FREAKY...F'OPAL WRECKAGE!

So, Blog, up until this point my technique was not really different from other people's you can read about in online tutorials. But at this point things took a hard left turn onto Freaky Street.

In the oven, all my f'opals cracked. For whatever reason, the outer shells cracked and half came off, and some of the inner parts cracked as well. As it turned out, though, I think this is what made my technique end up to be really cool.

You will want to prepare a big bowl of ice water and set it near the stove. When it's time to remove the f'opal wreckage from the oven, dump everything at once into the ice water. This is what makes the clay go as clear as possible.

Now it may well be (highly likely, I'd say) that your f'opals don't crack in the oven. Not to worry. When they are cool, just dry them off. Lay some paper on a hard surface like your concrete basement floor, put on eye protection, and smack those suckers with a hammer. Gather up the resulting f'opal wreckage (some small pieces, some tiny) in a small plastic bag and you're good to go back to your claying area for the next step.

STEP 4--F'OPALING FOR REAL THIS TIME

The little bits of f'opal wreckage have all kinds of fun crystal-like qualities. Choose a piece or two that you especially like, and then coat them once again with plain translucent clay and roll the result into a ball. If you can't exactly get a smooth ball, that's okay--you don't need to.

Re-bake, and re-plunge into fresh ice water. Your new and this-time-for-real faux opals will look like what you see in the photo.

STEP 5--SANDING AND POLISHING

Time to literally crank that Dremel tool, Blog. Don your mask and eye protection, and a smock or old clothes. Start with the rough sanding bit in your Dremel. Take a baked, cooled, dry f'opal.

Use the Dremel to sand, with two goals in mind: to shape the f'opal into its desired ultimate shape, and to expose some pretty areas. Under the plain outer shell, underneath you'll find really interesting colors and patterns and sparklies. The color, intensity, and shine of these will increase with the later steps. It's like digging for buried treasure!

When you have the basic shape you want, switch to the fine sanding bit and make the f'opal smoother all over.

Lastly, switch to the buffing bit and buff the heck out of that little guy. No doubt it will fly out of your hand a bunch of times (and shoot under the most cobwebby shelving in your basement, possibly), so keep a good grip if you can. Don't stop until it seems almost perfect.

Wash any dust off, dry, and get out the Future and a small paintbrush. Give the f'opal two coats of Future (one side at a time, so that's four steps total), allowing 20-30 minutes drying time in between coats. Now it will gleam just like a real opal!

Drill a hole through the f'opal if you wish to string it, and you're done! So here's the choker necklace I made with a few of my batch of f'opals...

Blog, I've wanted to make my own opals for a very long time...they are my favorite semi-precious stone. Now I have the next best thing at a fraction of the cost. That mother-of-all-f'opals focal-f'opal is my pride and joy!

The secret garden that I built

2011-09-06T06:30:00.000-05:00

Our story begins, Blog and dear readers, three weeks ago when Davie, my uberpal Martha, and I traveled to Cedarburg, Wis. to dine and shop. While exploring the clearance tables inside the Settlement Shops, I came upon a plaque with a crazy, fancy doorknob affixed thereto.

Something about this doorknob, aside from the greatly discounted price of $15, attracted me.

I went back to look at it twice, and the situation brought to my mind the old adage, "No matter how fancy, a doorknob is only good if you have some use for it." Well, there is no such adage, but it's still true. I knew I should only get the doorknob if I had a purpose for it. It was fastened to the plaque with a bolt, washer and nut, easy enough to remove. But then what?

On my third stop at the clearance table, all at once, I had a vision... I told my companions, "I'm going to get this doorknob. I know what to do with it, and it's going to be awesome."

And, as you can see, it is. I call this shadow box "The Secret Garden."

In fact, this summer I read the book The Secret Garden and thought it was fascinating. There's something enchanting about the concept of a hidden place where beautiful things grow. Perhaps the book was bobbing around in my subconcious as I stared at the bargain table. For in my mind's eye I saw that doorknob floating in space, as such a magical looking doorknob would, and beyond it a mystical, lovely place...yes, why not a garden? And that idea turned into a shadow box, with the doorknob mounted right on the glass, and little plants and treasures within. I could do it....

As it turned out, Blog, I did do it, largely with items I had on hand at home. All I needed was the frame (bought on sale at Michaels for $11) and some silk and plastic plants (another $15 at Michaels on sale, with tons of leftovers). There was only one hitch:

I was really worried about drilling a hole in a piece of glass. Especially unremovable glass, which if cracked would cost me the entire frame.

I researched like crazy how to drill though glass. I even watched videos. The trick was to build a little ring of clay (of which, as you know, Blog, I have tons) around the drilling spot and fill it with water. And to use a diamond bit in your Dremel tool (check and check). And to go very slowly. It all went off like a charm...I had a perfect hole in my glass!

So, it's fairly obvious where I went from there: Screwing on the doorknob, filling my shadow box with plants, moss, faux grass and polymer clay rocks for a path, and driftwood, all held in place with styrofoam, wire, electrical tape, and fabric glue. (The box is a couple inches deep; you can't see the little incline at the bottom, but the stone path really goes uphill.) I hung the secret key to the secret garden with a tiny ribbon from the foliage. Ta-da.....?

But wait--there's more!

Look inside the keyhole...look close...closer....what do you see?

Inside there is a tiny garden, with a path continuing on, and trees and plants!

What's the secret to the secret garden in my secret garden? I found a perfect photo of a garden path, reduced it to the proper size, printed it, and mounted in the shadow box behind the keyhole.

Meanwhile, I took apart one of those LED votive candles to expose the little light bulb, and strategically mounted it to light the photo without showing (no easy feat). The candle creates just enough light, with a mysterious flicker. By daylight, you can see the picture okay even without the lamp on.

I do believe, at least according to my Web searches, that this Secret Garden Shadow Box is the first of its kind.

And that, my friends, is what I saw in my head that told me to go ahead and buy the doorknob.

10 Random Facts Which Are, In Fact, About Me

2011-09-05T10:21:00.001-05:00

So, Blog, at the kind invitation of my friend Tameri Etherton, today I am participating in a Ten Random Facts About Me blog thingy. I would have been happy to post Ten Random Facts about You, Blog, if the list was that long. But really, there's not too much we know about you except:

1. You are a disembodied anthropomophized being.

2. You are gender-neutral with a masculine vibe.

3. You occasionally like to interview other anthropomophized beings like our cookie jar, Professor Snowcaps.

And that's about it.

So while I may not be as fascinating as, say, Ashton Kutcher or one of those Jersey Shore peeps, at least we can come up with Ten Random Facts about me, Blog. So tally ho!

1. I can do ecclesiasical embroidery.

2. From 1998 to 2002 I published a weekly ezine called "Hockey Snacks." (Remember those? Today we call it blogging.) It consisted of original humor about the NHL and was hosted by Shinny, aka my right index finger wearing a miniature goalie mask.

3. When I was in the fourth grade I wrote and directed a musical puppet show called "Soggy Wheat." I am truly not making this up...it made sense at the time.

4. When I was in my 30s I taught myself a couple years of piano and composed a theme-and-variations piece for pipe organ which was performed publically (although not by me, because I didn't know how to play the pipe organ).

5. My first celebrity crush was on Michael Rennie as Klaatu in "The Day the Earth Stood Still." That movie was made in 1951 so that gives you a hint how ancient I am. My latest celebrity crush is Christian Kane who plays Eliot Spencer on "Leverage." The only thing they have in common is the ability to kill people at will. I can only speculate on the psychology happening here.

6. I maintain a biligual biographical website about the French Canadian hockey star Guy Carbonneau, which is currently at 316 pages of material. I've talked about it on Quebec radio and TV, in French, even though I am terrible at speaking French and was terrified.

7. I love to make things. The smallest thing I have ever made--it was out of polymer clay--is the blue bird from Angry Birds. For scale, this is my cat Selke with all the Angry Birds.

8. When I was in junior high I mixed cream cheese with green food coloring, made it into balls dusted with cracker crumbs, called them "Moon Marbles" and brought them to my social studies class (which also made sense at the time...sort of). Everyone agreed they were disgusting.

9. When my husband and I were first dating, we invented a sort of death-metal rock band called "Ham Carving." We thought up all the members and their histories, the names of their albums, song lyrics, etc. It was a poor man's Spinal Tap, but we liked our band.

10. I am pretty obsessed with LOL cats and cat videos. Okay, totally obsessed to the point of pathology. I have not succeeded in making a funny cat video of my own yet but I did make this just sort of nice one.

And that, Blog and dear readers, is as the kids say "all I got." Again, I never promised you Ashton Kutcher...and thanks for reading.

How to have a Birthday Week

2011-08-23T09:27:00.001-05:00

Dear heavens, Blog, where have I been? I know, I know, my remissness blog-wise is inexcusable. But the excuse I can give for the past week is that I've been having a Birthday Week (currently on Day 7). And what more festive activity for Day 7 of my Birthday Week than to tell our readers how to have a Birthday Week!

Great decorating job, co-workers!

The foundation of a BW is your birthday itself, natch. Odds are in the busy and complex world of 2011, you are unable to celebrate the day with all your family and friends on the same day. Maybe you and the significant other are planning a romantic dinner, while your parents are hosting you a different day, etc. In my case this year, I had a fun lunch get-together planned with my dad on my birthday itself, a Thursday. Meanwhile, the dinner with husband, daughters, and daughters' BFs was planned for Saturday. So, take these occasions and build your BW around them!

Now, add to the mix any fun activities that happen to be scheduled during the adjacent week. I, for example, had a massage appointment set up for Tuesday. I haven't had a massage in like 10 years, so this definitely qualifies as a special occasion that makes my Tuesday a festive BW day. Maybe your activity is less thrilling, like grocery shopping day, but that doesn't mean you can't make it festive. In that case, you might splurge on a bunch of your favorite entrees, drinks, snacks, or desserts...you know, Blog, make it your dream food shopping spree!

It's the Domes Art Fair!

Another factor that will help you is the scientific fact that every week includes a weekend. And weekends tends to be opportunities for special activities. See what's happening in your town and make it a BW activity. For example, in Milwaukee this was the weekend for the 2nd Annual Domes Art Fair, at which my daughter Katie's boyfriend happened to have a booth. How exciting! And anything exciting is BW fodder, Blog. The early kickoff on Friday meant a checkmark by that day for me.

Taking advantage of fun adventures you always enjoy definitely counts, so Saturday I took a groovy trip to the Milwaukee Art Museum (yep, Saturday was double festive!), and Sunday went to lunch and shopping in lovely downtown Cedarburg.

"The 500 Fingers of Dr. T" rocks.

Sadly, you will still have some weekdays to fill, and at least one will require creative thinking. If your office observes birthdays with treats, bringing in doughnuts, cake or cookies certainly adds a celebratory air to your random Wednesday. And remember, you can have festive fun even in the evening in your humble home. Wednesday evening it was a fab French Silk Sundae from Kopps (an annual treat) and a beloved movie I hadn't seen in 40 years, "Dr. Seuss's The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T." It's a party!

Here's a little tip: Sometimes it can be fun to NOT plan a BW activity and just be on the lookout all day for some happy surprise the universe sends your way. In my case, my blank Monday was made festive when my coworkers surprised me by decorating my office while I was out having a long weekend. Sweet! And it made for a complete seven-day extravaganza of fun.

A couple more suggestions: Birthdays are yet another reason to join Facebook. It's so fun getting greetings all day from your friends all over the world. You don't have to thank each one individually, but I find that doing so just makes each gesture more meaningful. It's a cyberparty all day! Meanwhile, if you can line up your BW with some several-day fun time, like a trip or a visit, that week will rock all the more. I was lucky that my uber-friend Martha stayed with us four fun days.

And that's all there is to it! The added benefit of observing a Birthday Week is that it will teach you to look for fun wherever you are and whatever you do, Blog. It's amazing how having a party attitude makes party feelings materialize on the most ordinary days! And that's a bonus b-day present for sure.

Maybe not your view of Facebook, but--

2011-08-04T16:17:00.000-05:00

Blog, I know you keep dropping hints about getting your own Facebook page, but you know the rules: no disembodied anthropomorphic beings allowed. There aren't a ton of rules about Facebook, but there are some.

Meanwhile, there's really no rule about how a person looks at the role of Facebook in their lives, and I'm not here to tell anyone what that role should be for them. However, I feel like talking about how I look at it for me. Which of course may not matter to our readers, or even to you, Blog.

But it's my blog and I'll pontificate if I want to.

Today I got a friend request from a stranger. I do put out there in the cyberverse that people who are fans of my writing are welcome to friend me on Facebook, so sometimes that happens. Typically the person then introduces him-/herself with some nice words of appreciation. What's not to like? Other times, I get a request from a friend of a friend who has perhaps read my comments on that friend's status and would like to know me better and vice versa. Also very cool.

But this was one of those strangers who is a Networker. If you, dear reader, are a part of any sort of category, like I am a part of the authors of the world, you know whereof I speak. "Networkers" on Facebook are those who love to accumulate hoards of "friends" with that one thing in common, in my case, writing. I can appreciate the networking functionality of Facebook, although I'd prefer people keep that stuff to LinkedIn, which is really designed for professional networking. But hey, it's okay.

However, sometimes what Networkers are really trying to build on Facebook is a place for self-promotion, and only for self-promotion. Before you throw that pot/kettle/black thing at me, Blog, I won't deny that I sometimes bring up my books on Facebook. But I try to do it sparingly and in ways I would comfortably do at a party with my "real life" friends. Different story for the Facebook page for Aggie's Nine Heroes, since it's fan page and people know that going in. Many of my friends occasionally self-promote, and I'm cool with that too...it's reasonably proportional.

So back to our story. By Facebook's list of our mutual friends, I could see this stranger who sent the friend request was a writing networker. Typically when I get these, I'll accept, and then I'll give the person a week or two of posting. Oftentimes I really like them as a person and thus make a new friend. Othertimes less so, and then I block them. Yes, I admit it, that's what I do.

However, today's stranger was different. I accepted her request and then, as is my practice, checked out her wall. She was an author, all right. But what I found was 75% postings of political nature--links to articles, diatribes, etc. And as it happens these were not of my particular political bent. Result: immediate unfriend.

This is not to say I vehemently dislike anyone whose political views differ from mine; that's true of many of my dearest, oldest friends (and also my dad). What I vehemently dislike, frankly, is the behavior of posting endless political diatribes to one's friends on Facebook. It's a free country, do it if you like, but I don't have to read it. To me it seems like complete disrespect for those friends you have who disagree with you.

Whatever happened to the adage that, when in social groups, one ought not discuss religion or politics?

At any rate, clearly this person knew nothing at all about me and didn't really care to. And this leads to my problem with Facebook Networkers in general. Facebook is supposed to be for friends, people who either know each other or have a commonality that could genuinely lead to friendship, like I do with fans of my writing. When I accept a friend request and then see on his/her wall "Joan Blow is now friends with Diana Laurence and 17 other people," I'm tempted to unfriend or block right there.

What you are doing is very likely simply adding me to your promotional pool. Unless you truly use Facebook to share yourself, your interests and activities, and to engage with mine, you're not using the medium the way I do. I fear your ensuing status updates will be a steady stream like this:

Joan Blow Tell me what you think of my awesome new book cover!

Joan Blow I just added Pizza Bend, WY to my book tour--hope to see you there!

Joan Blow I just can't decide which guy in my new novel the Werewolf Alley series is the hottest. But then, it will be hard to top Tristan O'Donahue from the last one, or at least that's what my fans say!

Which, while better than a string of political diatribes, does not strike me as the best use of Facebook. But that's just me. (Of course if it's also you, you can click the Right On Box below.)

P.S., there is a real Joan Blow on Facebook. I really didn't mean her, I'm sure she's super nice.

My Angry Birdcage

2011-07-11T10:15:00.000-05:00

I play Angry Birds almost every day, and what of it, Blog? I will not go to rehab, no, no, no. In fact, I was determined to celebrate my addiction with some sort of appropriate craft project. Hence...my Angry Birdcage.

Obviously polymer clay was the medium of choice for making some Angry Birds, so I thought about what best to do with some Bird sculptures. I considered jewelry with Bird beads, but worried that their little crest and tail feathers might break off. To keep the bitty creatures safe, what better solution than a cage? Of course, that would require a cage in the proper scale...

Optimistically, while out on a walk with Davie, I scored a nice fallen branchlet to use for perches in my cage. And then Saturday, while shopping the 99% useless and pretty scary Everything Must Go sale at our local closing World Market, what should I find but a perfect cage for six bucks! Kismet.

So I modeled my birds to the scale of the cage, which I won't deny was a bit of a challenge, Blog. Itty bitty beaks, itty bitty tails, and almost invisibly small eye pupils, oh my. And that Blue Bird? Kinda maddening to sculpt.

Our cat Selke will demonstrate the size we are talking about here. Keep in mind she is a very small cat.

The Red Angry Bird looked nervous as well as angry. Even after he was joined by his brethren, he appeared quite on the verse of swooning. Life would be safer in a cat-proof cage.

And so I installed my twigs in the cage, lining the bottom with some moss. I mounted the Birds with Fabric Glue, which I have to tell you is awesome for an application like this. It acts as if you are creating tiny, gripping rubber bands on the fly, that can be moved around a bit to secure Bird to branch. Thank heavens for that glue...it was a real pain (ship in a bottle variety) arranging those Birds.

Quite a fine habitat if I do say so myself, and the Birds seemed pleased as well as angry. Green Boomerang Bird looks elated, and Black Bomb Bird looks thrilled, don't you agree, Blog? I mean, as well as angry?

And here are Blue Splitting-into-Three-Birds Bird, White Egg-Dropping Bird, and Yellow Zipping Bird, getting their party on.

You'll be glad to know we have the perfect spot for this cage to hang, in the faux tree o' lights in the living room. Check out how totally awesome it looks at night, like an Angry Birdcage Disco:

Soooweet! Now our only challenge is to keep the Toast-Powered Levitating Cat from dive-bombing the little critters....

Aggie FTW! (Hollywood Book Festival, that is)

2011-07-07T20:01:00.001-05:00

Awesome news, Blog...and I couldn't wait to share it! The Hollywood Book Festival just announced the 2011 winners of its book competition, and Aggie's Nine Heroes won honorable mention in the Fiction book category. And they say it was a huge field of competitors this year!

Winners are chosen based on the author's storytelling ability (blush, blush) and the book's deserving recognition by the film, television, game and multimedia communities.

So far Aggie is one-for-one in book competitions, so let's hope this will encourage more people to find out what makes it such a great book. Hey, don't take the author's word for it...ask the judges! :-)

Sometimes I'm cranky especially at dorks like this

2011-07-06T16:30:00.000-05:00

Blog, I'm the kind of person who can be livid and no one notices. I just seem way nice all the time, or at least mild-mannered. Nevertheless, I do get really mad, especially at incompetence. And what I call "incompetence" is sometimes stuff that no one else even notices, I'm sure. Here's an example...

I really hate it when people behind the wheel are oblivious to the needs of other drivers around them. Today I experienced a classic example of this during morning rush hour. Here's the scenario, Blog. There was this huge line in the left lane at the stoplight because everyone was needing, one intersection further on, to be on the left to enter the freeway. I decided rather than get in that long queue, what the heck, I would get in the middle lane. I kinda figured I'd be able to merge to the left in the short block before that freeway ramp.

Why did I figure this? Because there's always at least one dork who doesn't move forward. Either....

1. they feel that one must leave three car lengths when going 10 mph, or
2. they are putting on their makeup and need to finish the lipstick before pulling forward, or
3. they just don't watch for the light to change

It's 3 that really irks me. If you are in the all important position of watching for the green light, you owe it to the people behind you to initiate motion ASAP. Your dawdling could cost some person (like me) two minutes on their work time clock if the light goes red before their turn.

So, this morning, natch, there was one of these #3 dorks at the head of the line. Here's your aerial view, Blog:

I am SO glad I didn't get into the left lane. Here's what happened:

So I got skips over like 25 cars. And probably saved two sessions of lights worth of time. No harm to the waiting cars, that would have been unused empty space had I not gone ahead. And who knows, Blog, it might have been my passing and moving into the left lane that tipped off Stupid Red Car to notice the light changed.

I gloated. I only wish there had been a way to transport that car to the end of the line.

People, people...when traffic is heavy and lights are short, get your car through as fast as you safely can. Some may think this is the raving of a Type A personality, but I just think it's courtesy. Right, Blog?

The Toast-Powered Cat Levitation Device

2011-07-03T23:30:00.003-05:00

Blog, we all know about the mind-blowing paradox of what would happen if you affixed a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and then dropped said cat. Because there are two immutable principles in the Universe:

1. A cat always lands on its feet.

2. Toast always lands buttered-side down.

I am not the first to theorize that were you to strap toast to a cat, the only possible result would be that it would remain suspended in the air. Now, what if you were to also contrive headgear for said cat that would allow it, via brainwaves, to control the direction of the contradictory cat/toast forces?

Well, you would undoubtedly get something like this:

Today I built an experimental scale model of the Toast-Powered Cat Levitation Device, including Toast Pack and Control Headgear. Don't tell me this isn't just awesome. In case you are too stunned to believe your own eyes, look again:

Sure enough, it IS real, Blog! In an artificial sort of way! And theoretical! No doubt you are dying to know how you too can make your own T-PCLD, because that is the natural human response to these photos. Never fear, I am here to provide complete directions.

1. The next time you throw away an old calculator, be sure to do as I did: take it apart and save the clear plastic circuitry sheet. Because you just never know, do you? Ditto the weird green bottle top, scraps of aluminum and brass, odd hardware doohickeys, leather lacing, and copper wire.

2. While it is possible to do this with real toast and a real cat, remember you are making a scale model and resist the temptation. Find a cat Beanie Baby and open a seam to remove the beans. (Q: What color are the beans in a Beanie Baby? A: Pearly white. Or as Davie would reply, "Magic.") Replace the beans with fiberfill stuffing, and resew the open seam. You may also want to replace the lame thread whiskers with nice springy ones made from Tiger Tail type beading wire, as I did. And take off the Ty tag, it will interfere with the brain waves.

3. Make a piece of buttered toast from polymer clay. This requires ivory and brown clay, textured with a toothbrush and needles, then painted toasty with brown eyeshadow. Make a nice melty butter pat of light yellow, and be sure to paint the pat with Future for shininess after baking your clay toast.

4. For the Toast Pack, curve the brass sheet around the cat's body. Determine the spot above the cat's body + equipment. Remove sheet from cat and drill a hole at the spot with your Dremel tool. Affix the circuitry sheet with a little Super Glue at the edges. Wrap with the aluminum strip. String colorless thread, doubled, or fishing line through the hole, and tie to a piece of bent wire inside the device. Secure wire and thread with clear packing tape. Mount toast to top of Toast Pack with Gorilla Glue.

5. For the Headgear, curl the wire with round pliers and bend into scientifically appropriate shape. Leave a long end to stick inside bottle top, threading also through weird hardware, which should fit snugly on the bottle top tip. Bend end of wire under head bracket to hold bracked in place against bottle top. Pack inside of bottle top with foil to secure wire in position. Run leather lacing through holes in head bracket, pulling tight to hold bracket snugly against wire and bottle top.

6. Slip the cat, hind legs first, into the Toast Pack. Put Headgear on the cat's head and tie leather lacing to secure. Tie the other end of the colorless thread or fishing line to a strong magnet. Now you can hang the cat from iron or steel objects, or use a large steel washer and pinch a flat mounting object between magnet and washer. It's portable! Of course!

Then let your cat fly and watch the amazing results. Birds beware! Dog, pooh on you! Firemen, no need for those tree rescues! NASA, eat your heart out! Okay, so that was hyperbole.

Blog, don't you love science? It's so exciting.

Stuff I wouldn't buy even if I were filthy rich

2011-07-01T12:14:00.000-05:00

Hey Blog, ever daydream about what you'd buy with your lottery winnings? I know, what can an anthropomorphized disembodied being use, really? Well, this week a person in my life spent a carpload of money on a luxury item and it got me to thinking about the Two Categories of Luxury Stuff. You know, "Stuff I would buy only if I were filthy rich" and "Stuff I wouldn't buy even if I were filthy rich."

See, Blog, to each of us there are some things that people get all hepped up about that we don't covet at all. Things that make a person say to herself, "Jeez, imagine the great stuff you could buy with the money you threw away on that lame thing!" I'm sure everyone in the blogosphere is wondering what luxury items just leave me cold, so here are a few:

1. Jewelry that features giant diamonds.

2. Memorabilia items owned by famous celebrities.

3. Sets of super expensive matching furniture, and/or stainless steel appliances.

4. A luxury car like a BMW.

5. An iPhone and/or a Mac. Yeah, I'm that way.

6. Front row seats to a concert by some hugely popular artist/band.

7. Designer clothes, shoes, and/or purses.

8. Celery. I really don't like celery at all.

9. A private plane.

10. Tickets to the Super Bowl for life.

So, because everyone in the blogosphere really wants to know, here are some things I would buy only if I were filthy rich:

1. A boat and a lake property where I could keep it. And also someone to take care of said boat.

2. Some really awesome art like maybe a glass piece by Dale Chululy.

3. A rock wall and water feature built into my living room.

4. A private seminar on polymer clay art with Christi Friesen.

5. A home theater system with leather recliners and stuff.

6. Lobster for dinner on a regular basis.

7. A wing in my house that I could convert to a home for a couple dozen shelter cats.

8. A ton of advertising in every possible medium for my books.

9. A vacation home in a warmer clime where I could live in the winter when Wisconsin sucks.

10. Two weeks in NYC and tickets to every show on Broadway and to the Tonys. Annually.

So readers, what do you think? Is there a luxury item you can't see ever wanting to own? What would be your first luxury purchase after the windfall?

Oh, and I would not keep the Chululy in the part of the house with the couple dozen cats.

How many does a "successful" person sell?

2011-06-23T15:35:00.000-05:00

Blog, in the past couple weeks I've received an amazing number of emails asking questions about how to sell more books. The question isn't amazing...it's that people are asking me. That mystery aside, of course all authors constantly ponder how to increase their sales. As do artists, musicians, photographers, crafters, and others who sell their creative output. Most of us can't shake the feeling that we aren't as successful as we should be.

But to me, the significant question is, what's "successful"?

Naturally, we artists measure success by what we observe about others engaged in our respective crafts. And whom are we looking at when making these judgments? Celebrities, of course. We can see the success of top authors in store windows, bestseller lists, and movie credits. Successful authors, apparently, are featured in magazine articles and do cameos on TV shows. People know their names. After all, we do.

By contrast, one cannot consider herself a success when her claims to fame are things like having a book featured on a bookstore chain table once, or doing a radio interview once, or appearing at a convention once. Those moments come and go (and don't even sell a whole lot of books, necessarily). Surely you're not a successful author if you haven't had a book sell in six figures, right?

And so, we artists think of ourselves as below even Z-list celebrities. It's a hobby, not a career. I haven't made it yet, but I'm still hoping. My big break could come soon, and then...Oprah! (Oops, Blog, we're going to have to find some goal to take the place of Oprah.)

Hold it, there, everyone. It's time to step back and wrap your mind around the reality of "success." And to do so, I want to crunch some numbers. For the sake of discussion, let's look at the art of selling books.

In 2009 over a million new books were published in the U.S. (source: Bowkers)
In 2009, 282 million books were sold in the U.S. (source: Nielsen BookScan)

Let's say, very generously, that half of them were brand new titles. That would mean new titles averaged sales of 141 copies. Now, keep in mind that most of the sales went to the few highly publicized titles...so it's safer to say 100 copies or fewer was the average for "ordinary" books.

I found figures for non-fiction books (which always outsell fiction), and the average sales are 250/year or 3,000 for a non-fiction book's lifetime. Book sales are declining 5-6% a year, while the number of titles published has more than tripled in four years, so those figures are not going to get any larger.

I read that, depending upon the subject of your book, there are 100 to 1,000 titles competing for one bookstore shelf space. So, if an author gets even one title into bookstores (which may or may not translate into sales, of course) why shouldn't that constitute staggering success? Isn't being in the top 1% of your field a kind of success?

Blog, I totally understand why artists strive to have a bestseller, get a lead role in a movie, have a gallery show in New York, have their own brand of consumer products. I'm all for pursuing those lofty goals. But I think we all need to scale way back on our sense of "success."

Think of it this way: When a person decides to get fast food, they have maybe a dozen options to choose from. If your franchise was in the top three, you'd feel pretty successful! Well, there are about 9 million book titles offered on Amazon. Even if only once a day, somebody picked your book title out of 9 million, why shouldn't you feel successful?

Or, look at the issue from another angle, that of a crafter selling her work on Etsy.com. Etsy sold $40 million worth of stuff in May--it's a good marketplace. Well...in May, 1.7 million new items were listed for sale. 2 million items were sold. That means if you sold more than one item in the month of May on Etsy, you were quite a bit above average!

You're getting the picture, Blog. We all need to remember that the marketplace is huge and fragmented. In this century, no one "corners the market" anymore but Google, Amazon, Netflix and Stephenie Meyer. I'm exaggerating a bit (but not much)...but my point is, it's time to recalibrate the meaning of success to today's market. To rephrase that old break-up line, it's not you, it's the marketplace.

If your video gets a thousand hits on YouTube, well, go you! If you sell two paintings or sculptures a month--bravo! If your book sells 300 copies a year, congrats, you're a real author.

The point is, your creations are are being experienced and enjoyed by an audience. You're not hiding your talents under a bushel.

You're a success.

Charlie Sheen vs. me, on being a 'rock star'

2011-06-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

Blog, I'm right now picturing the interesting discussion that might ensue, were I and Charlie Sheen to appear as a two-person panel of experts providing advice on "how to become a 'rock star.'" Obviously Charlie's been pretty successful at the Celebrity Thang--getting headlines, attracting admirers, and so on. I, on the other hand, not so much. Still, allow me the presumption of placing myself on this panel and putting my ideas up against Charlie's. Okay, Blog, you can be moderator. Give us a question and let's see where this goes.

Blog: Right. Well, let's start by asking for your definition of 'rock star' for the purposes of this discussion. Charlie?

Fictitious Voice of Mr. Sheen Created by the Author: Obviously that would be me, Blog--duh!

Blog: Sure, okay. Diana?

Diana: To me, a 'rock star' person is someone that others are drawn to, admire, and/or emulate. You want to be around that person, and it makes you happy to watch them, be in their presence. They seem larger than life, and stand out from the crowd.

Blog: Certainly true of my favorite 'rock star,' the Internet Movie Database. Okay, so what does it take to become this rock star?

FVOMSCBTA aka Charlie: Besides being Charlie Sheen? Nothing.

Blog: Adonis DNA?

FVOMSCBTA: Only if you're not already Charlie Sheen, moron.

Blog: Uh-huh. Diana?

Diana: Charlie's right that it helps to have self-confidence. But I'd like to suggest that you don't even need too much of that if you simply focus on the other person/people instead of yourself. Even an outrageously self-confident person such as Lady Gaga succeeds just as much by putting effort into making her fans feel important to her and valuable.

Blog: So a shy, introverted person can possibly be a rock star too?

Diana: Sure! My advice to shy people (and I'm kind of shy myself) is forget how you're looking, acting, talking, and get inside your audience. How is he/she/they feeling? Needing a sympathetic ear? Wanting to share something they feel is exciting? Looking for encouragement, answers, a laugh? Forget yourself and be what they need, and you'll find you're a bit of a rock star in their eyes, no matter what.

FVOMSCBTA: That's not winning!

Diana: Ah, but it is! Maybe not right at that moment, but someday your audience will treat you like a rock star, because you cared.

FVOMSCBTA: Aw come on, most of those motherf-ers will be users.

Diana: There's a few users in every crowd, Fake Voice of Charlie, but you'll figure out who they are and who truly feels grateful for kindnesses shown to them. There are always enough of the latter type to make it worthwhile and spread good stuff like ripples into the populace. Oh, and Blog, another tip....

Blog: Yuh-huh?

Diana: Be the best you can be. I mean, share your talents whatever they may be. My Davie, for example, is a Cleaning Rock Star, and he makes my life and the lives of many others easier. Do your job well and conscientiously...even if it seems you're under-appreciated. Rock stars perform well even for bad audiences, and even then someone always notices. Don't hide what you have to offer: sell it and give it away, both, whenever you can.

Fake Charlie Voice: Under-appreciated...that's this rock star all right. There's not enough money in the world to appreciate me properly, dudes. How do you put a price on being the funniest guy to walk the earth?

Diana: Mr. Artificially-Sheen is right in a way (well, just a small way). Never underestimate the power of being funny. Humor is a great gift that costs you nothing and everyone is happy to receive it. You might not have a towering wit...but you can tell a joke occasionally. Maybe you suck at telling jokes...but you can tease in a nice, friendly way. Maybe you're not good at teasing...but you can smile. And anyone can laugh at the humor of others, which is something those others will just love.

Blog: Is there one element you'd consider the most key part about pursuing the status of rock star?

Pseudo-Charlie: Pray to be my clone.

Diana: I have to say, take a genuine interest in those around you. That doesn't mean you never talk about yourself, ask for support, or make sure your own needs are met. But if you want to be a rock star person, a rock star human being, to me this is the most important element. Put yourself in their shoes and feel what they're feeling. Be mindful of what's happening to them, ask them questions, feel a bit of the passion they feel about what matters most to them. You will learn things, experience more of the world, grow as a person...so it's "winning" for both sides!

Charlie: Stop trying to make me look bad, woman. It's not possible.

Diana: I'm hardly a saint, Charlie-thing, I'm just as selfish as you are. Well, okay, not that bad. I'm not being Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama here, and sacrificing for others. This just seems to me the way that a person becomes a rock star, and that's not exactly self-less motivation, is it? I'm saying that when you make others happy, you'll be happy too.

Blog: It's sort of the way the universe works. And if I weren't an anthropomorphic, imaginary being, I'd sure try it too. Thanks for the nice debate, guys!

Charlie: I guess I'm kinda sold, too, Diana. Can I take you out for some tiger blood?

Diana: Aw, that's the spirit, Charlie! I'd like that.

The Patio Catnip Kicktoy Project

2011-06-04T14:29:00.001-05:00

I don't know about you, Blog, but when I think "patio," I think "catnip kicktoys." I'm lying, that's completely random. (I hope you're getting this, Randometer!) Nevertheless, a patio is a very good place to make catnip kicktoys, because you can spill the catnip and no harm done. Now, on to the burning question in the minds of our readers: How do you make a catnip kicktoy?

1. Find a patio. Ours works nicely. (Can you spot two cats?)

2. Gather your supplies: Some sturdy long socks (I used spa socks I found for $2 a pair at Michaels), fiberfill, catnip, needle, thread and scissors. Allow at least one sock per resident cat.

3. Fill the sock with alternating layers of fiberfill and catnip. Make it nice and puffy but also squeezable.

4. Do your best to keep your cat out of the catnip as you work. [Cody: Dude, this plastic lid is rocking my world!]

5. Don't be alarmed if your cat absconds with the catnip lid. [Cody: Man, this patio is awesome!]

6. Completely fill the sock with its wondrous stuffing mix. (So much better than Stove Top!)

7. Then, to paraphrase Devo, you must whipstitch it, whipstitch it good. Cats will not care about the color of thread or the neatness of stitches, so just make sure the opening is well sealed.

8. Proceed with remaining socks. Expect cats to try to climb inside the socks as you work...

...or start to nuzzle with the completed socks...

...or claim a sock before they are all finished.

9. Continue until all socks are completed transformed into catnip kicktoys. You are now ready to party!

Here, Alice demonstrates the actual catnip kicktoy kicking motion.

Some cats, like Alice, may also look at their new gift more as a catnip LICKtoy.

But see the ~~drug-induced stupor~~ love in her eyes? That will be your reward for the 5 to 10 minutes it takes you to make your beloved pet a catnip kicktoy.

I can think of no better use for a patio, Blog. No, I'm lying again. But still, we had fun!

Five reasons to get yourself Aggie, some of which are weird

2011-06-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

Blog, I'm sure our readers have gotten the idea now that I'm releasing a new novel. ("Oh, you mean from the constant posts mentioning it and the character guest blog and all that? No, who knew?!?") Well, the time has come for them to pay the awful price of following this blog and listen to the official pitch...because the book is now out and available in paperback and ebook (Kindle, nook, Kobo, pdf, etc.) from your favorite online retailers!

No, not your favorite online retailers, Blog...the readers'. Track with me here.

Oh, and here's the final cover design for you all too!

What's the book about? A young girl determined to realize her dream of creating a real-life team of heroes. Her awesome grandfather, and his sometimes terrifying/sometimes wonderful "handicap." Life growing up in the 80s and 90s. Figuring out what love is. A trio of winsome computer hackers. A Care Bear named Bono. Helping others to triumph over mean corporations and crappy luck. A snowman dressed like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Wow, Blog...it sure sounds like a good book.

But why should each and every one of our ~~bizillion~~ several readers get a copy? Here are a mere five reasons why....

1. It just came out and already the rave are rolling in:

Hey, we just love "inspirational and entertaining ride," don't we, Blog? Thanks, J. Brown, for the five stars!

2. You'll become part of Aggie's heroic team. That's because all proceeds of the book go to support Kiva.org in its microlending to deserving, underprivileged entrepreneurs around the world.

3. It teaches some excellent life lessons and also has attractive guys in it. Both important elements to the female reader, don't you know, Blog.

4. It includes computers, comic book references, martial arts, and hot chicks. Guy stuff because A9H is not just for females.

5. Aggie's here in comic-book form to invite you herself! Yep, I drew this portrait of the heroine as a comic book character (because she grew up a comics fan like her Grampa)... and how can you resist that face, right?

I rest my case. So, just how can you obtain your copy? Visit the official Aggie's Nine Heroes page where you'll find purchase links to a bunch of online bookstores, including current prices.

Thanks from me, the Heroes, and Kiva.org for your support!

Go shopping at the store that is your own home

2011-05-25T12:25:00.002-05:00

Blog, I had a sorta cool idea the other day. Well, yeah, I'm just a font of sorta cool ideas, aren't I? Anyway, you know how sometimes a person just gets an urge to buy something new? I was thinking how, with all the possessions some of us have in affluent nations like the U.S., we can actually satisfy that huge by shopping at home. And no, I don't mean on the Internet.

Here's the thing. Everyone has stuff. On a packrat scale from 1 to 10, in which 1 is "live like a monk" and 10 is "should be on Hoarders," Davie and I are about a 3.5. Nevertheless, we have lots of stuff in our house we seldom think about. We purge our home every six months to a year, so virtually all of it is Keeper Stuff and worth owning.

So why not occasionally take a look at some of said forgotten stuff and see if it can't be enjoyed for awhile? It's almost like getting something new and costs nothing! Let me give you some examples, Blog.

I recently got new salt and pepper grinders from a Pampered Chef fundraising party. In putting them away, I found myself once again organizing my spice cupboard. In doing that, I found a number of spices I've hardly ever used. Like garam masala. I got it for one recipe I wanted to try out last year. So I thought, why not make that recipe again and get some enjoyment out of this spice I own? So I did, and it was even tastier than I remembered. (Here's the recipe for Hot Dogs a la Rose.)

Meanwhile, a couple days ago I tossed out a plant that had seen better days, and used the pot it was in for another plant that needed more space. In the original plant I had put some glass rocks I got from who-knows-where, who-knows-when. (We all have some belongings like that, right?) So, I cleaned up these rocks. Like rocks often do, they looked better wet than dry. So I tried the same trick on them that I often use on polymer clay items: I painted them with a couple coats of Future acrylic floor polish.

What will I do with these rocks? I might just put them on display, or incorporate them in an art project. At any rate, I will enjoy them until it's time to rotate them out for something else cool that I own. The key to this idea is clear from two famous adages: "Familiarity breeds contempt" and "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." We take for granted what we experience every day...we love stuff that has been gone awhile. So, Blog, why not get more out of what we already have by replacing familiar stuff with sorta-forgotten stuff?

A few ideas of where you can shop in your own home forgotten stuff:

Boxes of clothing you wore years ago. Some may be back in style or can be converted to a fun new purpose like a costume or a throw pillow. That tie-dyed tee shirt would work for either!
Wedding presents on the back shelves. Make use of that vase, dish, or candle holder out in the open for awhile.
Your old photo albums and scrapbooks. Seriously, when's the last time you just sat down to enjoy old memories? So many of us take photos or scrapbook, going through a lot of effort, but forget to enjoy the fruits of our labor later.
Your jewelry box. A lot of people fall into the rut of wearing the same rings, necklaces, etc. Bring out something new--it might go great with some outfit you got recently!
The scented candle cupboard. If you're like me you have a bunch but can't possibly display them all. Bring out a new one and burn it for a fresh experience for your nose.
Your recipe box. Take a run through your collection; I'll bet you find something you love to eat but forgot you know how to make!
Your cosmetic cabinet/drawer. Another thing a lot of us have is soaps, lotions, facial scrubs, and other spa-items we haven't touched in awhile. Give yourself a facial, a bubble bath, a foot massage.
Your game cupboard. I bet somewhere you have an old board game you haven't touched in a decade. Might be fun to play again some night!
The closet where you keep the pictures you took down. We all get tired of the stuff on our walls and replace it from time to time. But the replaced art can be nice enough to keep. So why not see if there's some piece their you'd like to look at on the wall again?

You get the idea, Blog. Now, imagine if we all thought about shopping at home once a week...we'd get a lot more enjoyment out of our own belongings, and it wouldn't cost us a penny! I'm just sayin'.

Having trouble finishing what you start?

2011-05-18T20:52:00.001-05:00

This is Nita Zayas, one of the members of Aggie’s Nine Heroes (Diana’s upcoming novel), and I’m delighted to be guest blogging today. Blog, I’m told you have some questions for me on the subject of how to reach closure with your projects. Project management is a specialty of mine, as you’ll learn from the book when you read how I got on the team. So let’s get started!

Blog: It’s really great, being an anthropomorphized non-entity such as myself, to talk with an imaginary person such as YOURself, Nita! First question: What’s your best suggestion to people who have a lot of trouble finishing projects?

Nita: The best way to prevent Epic Project Fail is to do some “likelihood analysis” before you even begin. Ask yourself honestly, what are the odds you will bring this project to fruition? Set aside the reasons why you’re thinking of doing this thing: because you feel obligated, because someone else did it and was a success, because it would bring a result you really badly want. Ignore all that and focus...do you honestly have the time, money, resources, motivation and talent to get to the end? Because time spent on a project with only a 50/50 chance of completion is, frankly, wasted time. And it’s time, energy and resources you could be using to actually finish something else.

Blog: So is it always a bad idea to try something new?

Nita: Not at all. There’s nothing wrong with taking a chance now and then, trying something new that you aren’t sure you can do. But limit those experiments and recognize them for what they are. Watch carefully for the point at which you’ve proven you can’t take the project any further successfully, call it a learning experience, and move on.

Blog: Okay, let’s say you’ve done a “likelihood analysis” and really feel this project is something you can carry through to the finish. What’s the next important step?

Nita: It’s really important to develop a complete plan, not just plunge in. Make a complete list of what you’ll need for the project and either obtain it all or make sure you can within the required time frame. And speaking of, make sure you have a time frame. Set a definite deadline and swear to yourself you will keep it. Think through all the steps to completion, and make task lists. Determine, based on your deadline, task deadlines along the way. And make sure you stick to them.

Blog: Are deadlines really so important?

Nita: If you just want to dabble or play around, and don’t care about ending up with a specific deliverable, no. But if you’re serious about project completion, then you need to plan for more than just the final deadline. I know some people work best under pressure, but the people with the best project completion success rate, work to avoid pressure. Pressure can be motivational, sure...but it is also an added obstacle.

Blog: This sounds like it would be hard for some people. Aren’t distractions natural? I mean, so your deadline is to have the dresser stripped by Saturday evening, but then a friend calls and wants to go for coffee. Can’t there be some flexibility?

Nita: Definitely. Which is why another key to project success is building in a lot of wiggle room. Estimate how long it will take you to complete your project and then build in an extra 33%. If you know you’re the kind who lives an impromptu life, make that 50%, or even more. That way you can shift task deadlines but still stick to the overall time frame.

Blog: Well, that works. Is there a particular attitude that will especially improve your success rate?

Nita: There sure is. Be the Boss of You. I mean, you need an internal voice that will crack the whip. That internal boss has to have a strong conviction that the project needs to reach closure. S/he is motivated to get the final result, so will tell you “DVR that show for later, get the dresser stripped first.” And this goes back to my first piece of advice: If you don’t want the end result badly enough, recognize that up front and don’t do the project. You’re going to need to rely upon your desire for completion to keep you going till the end.

Blog: But what about the projects you’re forced to do, but don’t want to? How do you find motivation for those?

Nita: With those sort of projects, I look at the final goal as “Not Having to Work on This Anymore.” I picture how nice it will be to have the job behind me, not to be fretting about it or dreading it. I focus on that rather than the distasteful project itself. Actually, negative motivation like this can make a person even more efficient than the positive kind!

Blog: Makes sense. What do you suggest for people who find themselves overwhelmed by too many projects?

Nita: I recommend that you never commit to more than five projects at once, tops. Three if they’re large ones. If you’re at that limit, don’t even entertain the idea of starting something new until you’ve completed something old. If you must take on the new project for some reason, then choose your least important ongoing one and mentally table it--don’t even think about it until you’re back down to four. Life is all about multitasking, but too much of it can really cripple efficiency and overwhelm the brain.

Blog: So, Nita, do you have any final tip for those suffering from the dreaded Lack of Closure in their project lives?

Nita: Be sure to balance projects with down time. Achieving closure is the goal, but not at the expense of other aspects of life. If your life is getting out of balance, it’s never too late to chop some projects. You can always move them to your Bucket List!

Blog: Thanks, Nita! You know, as an anthropomorphized non-entity, I have a lot of projects. And now I’m excited to get them finished!

Jackson Galaxy said to get a cat tree

2011-05-15T16:27:00.000-05:00

And Blog, the man was right.

Davie and I met Jackson Galaxy through Animal Planet, where the cat behaviorist has appeared as a guest many times. Now he has his own fantastic show, "My Cat from Hell." It's not just for people with problem cats (or as Jackson might put it, cats with problem people). No, Blog--this show teaches you super useful things about being the guardian of any cat. And today I'll tell you about only one of them.

Jackson has pointed out several times in the first two episodes of MCFH that many cats are "tree cats." While some are "bush cats" and feel most comfortable in settings low to the ground, it is instinctual for most cats to enjoy being high up. And when they have access to high spots--shelves, rampways built by handy folks with power tools, and cat trees--many cats are much happier.

So, we decided last weekend to get a cat tree. I researched the heck out of the subject (like I obsessively tend to do) and found this economical, well-reviewed, simple cat tree available from PetSmart.

What I like about this tree:

1. It's tall. Which is the point. The upper shelf of the tree is about five feet high, putting a cat there at eye level with humans, which is nifty.

2. It has curved perches. I read on a blog that platforms that are curved or nest-like are appreciated by many cats, because they feel less likely to fall.

3. It looks good in our house--matches the carpet and doesn't have too big of a footprint.

4. It's sturdy and stable, but light enough to move from spot to spot.

Which I did. First we put the tree by the patio doors, the intended spot. It lets the cats watch the trees and birds outside. Then I moved it to the living room, where they could look out another window or just nap by us while we talk or watch TV. At night I moved it next to my computer desk, so Cody could hang out with me while I worked. Beats the heck out of his former fave spot, draped over the keyboard!

It's possible to enhance a simple cat tree like this too. I added a second dangle, using some chain I had and securely stapling it to the wood through the carpet. We have several dangle toys so now can change them up easily on the tree. I set up the tree next to a silk tree for some fun foliage to hide behind. I installed a catnip fish on a wire out of the silk tree, within batting range from the upper perch, and that was a big hit.

All our cats find the tree intriguing and fun. Tiny tuxedo cat Selke digs the lower perch. Our Norwegian Forest Cat Alice seems to be a bush cat, but she likes staring at her siblings and playing with the lower dangle toy. Cody (our brilliant tabby) has definitely fallen in love. I made a video of Codes demonstrating for you some of the awesome things a cat can do in a cat tree. I hope you'll watch...it turned out really kind of beautiful (I love the background music) and sure captures the happiness that can come from a cat tree.

Thank you, Jackson Galaxy! You've made our cats' lives (and ours) better already. Next up: I've started getting Cody used to a harness and he's going to learn to walk on a leash, like the cat we saw on Jackson's show. As much as he loves being on the patio, Codes is going to flip over being able to go for walks and explore!

Let's play Imaginary Rock Band

2011-05-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

This is an old favorite game of mine, Blog, but I have a feeling I may be one of 17 people on the planet who does it. I'm hoping someone will comment and admit they've done it too, so I don't feel it's just my warped imagination at work. Or perhaps others will give it a try after getting the suggestion. Anyhoo...

Hugh: bass guitar, keyboards and vocals

Imaginary Rock Band entails casting a band with some celebrity favorites and letting them play in your head along with actual music. I will illustrate that confusing statement now. The other day I was listening to my iPod in the car and "Authority Song" by Jimmy Eat World came on. Jim Adkins' voice is just so cute and fun, it brought to mind another cute and fun celebrity (upon whom I do have a bit of a crush), T.J. Thyne from "Bones." I started picturing him as lead singer in place of Jim, and decided he could play rhythm guitar. I have no idea if T.J. can play guitar in real life but there are certainly no photos of him doing so, unlike Hugh Laurie, who is an actual musician. Here's Hugh with a guitar, and everyone knows he's fabulous at the piano.

Danny: lead guitar

I'm pretty fond of "House M.D." too, so it seemed only natural to put Hugh in the band. Meanwhile, I got this conviction that the lead guitarist really needed to be Danny Pudi, aka Abed on "Community." You see him as a quirky, funny guy, but I see him as having "dark and mysterious rock star" potential. I even found this photo of him pulling a "dark and mysterious rock star" face, so there, Blog. So Danny plays the awesome lead guitar in stoic silence, which leaves Hugh to the bass and vocals. And keyboards when needed, of course.

Scott: drums, backup vocals

And leaves me needing a drummer. You wouldn't guess in ten attempts, so don't even try, Blog. I chose Scott McGillivray, the handsome star of HGTV's "Income Property" and stuff. I can see him on the drums! Well, obviously I can.

So, dear readers, crank up your brain and picture these four performing "Authority Song," with me singing back up. T.J. really rocks this number. What a blast. However, next up on my iPod comes "We're Not in Kansas" by Big Country. Too dark and gravelly for the perky T.J. However, Hugh pulled it off nicely in my head, probably because House is a messed-up guy, like I guess Stuart Adamson was (R.I.P.). Anyway, I'm pretty sure these four guys can do a decent job with a large percentage of rock songs. As I type this, Cat Galaxy Radio is playing "Woodstock" by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, and that works.

T.J.: rhythm guitar, vocals

Well...now "Lady, You Bring Me Up" by Lionel Richie is on, so that's not working.

But if I hear a song with a chick singing lead, so much the better! Then I get to perform with the band. I'd just love to do Linda Ronstadt's "When Will I Be Loved?" and share a mike with T.J. for that classic opening line. "I've been cheated...been mistreated..." Now that would be sweet, Blog.

All right people, give me some comfort here and cast a couple of your celebrity faves in a rock band! You'll be glad you did!

Aggie's on Facebook!

2011-05-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

Heyo, Blog, I'm stoked about this: my novel Aggie's Nine Heroes now has a Facebook page! For our friends who want to Like the page, we're making it super easy:

And in the interest of making more things easy, here's a little checklist to help our readers determine if they really should Like Aggie on Facebook. If you are into three or more of these subjects, you will find real value in being a fan of the A9H Facebook page:

Being a hero in a small way
80s pop culture (esp. if you were born in that decade)
Science nerdiness
News about the book (like where to get it)
Movies and/or live theater
Entrepreneurialism
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and other things Whedon)
Martial arts
The work of Kiva.org
Comic books (esp. X-Men and The Sandman)
Diana Laurence's writing
Being organized
Fads
The Chicago Cubs
Consumer protection
Computer geekiness and technology
Event planning

Blog, you should go now and Like Aggie's page...you love the 80s, are definitely a techie, and I've seen you practicing your karate chops. Do. It. Now. Thanks.

Can you guess what these four jars represent?

2011-05-02T11:41:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's crafty project at Magic House, Blog, was these four jars which I created in multimedia. What fun! And equally fun is seeing if you can guess what the four jars represent. What do you think?

If you guessed the four ancient elements, you're correct! I wanted to conceptualize each of the elements with its own "Alchemy Jar" and it was a very enjoyable challenge. Left to right, you have Air, Water, Earth and Fire. Let's take a closer look at each one (backlit for a different effect).

Air Jar

I got this jar, which resembles a perfume bottle, at good old American Science & Surplus. Since the top is plastic, it wasn't easy to work with (couldn't go in the oven). All I could do was dress it up with some fine silver metal mesh that I also got at AS&S. And how exactly does one represent air? Well, I made a coiled spring of white plastic coated craft wire to resemble a tiny tornado. Then I echoed the swirling theme with a ribbon of silver polymer clay, which I enhanced with silver Perfect Pearls and fine silver glitter.

Water Jar

I used an old pimento jar for this one (so cute and little). The glass is decorated with a swirly blend of polyclay in metallic blues and greens, in a wave design. The tips of the waves are translucent white. I covered the jar lid in a similar blend with translucent around the rim. All clay was enhanced with some blue Perfect Pearls, and after baking, coated with Future for extra shine. I added a couple of beads for a knob on top. Inside the jar I put colorless glass pebbles (the kind you put in vases) and filled it up with blue-tinted water. I love how that effect turned out and think I'll have to use it again!

Earth Jar

I adore earthy-stuff so this one was a blast. The bottle is another AS&S purchase. Around the base I placed some rough-torn brown clay that incorporated Granitex (hence the flecks). Over that, using liquid polymer clay, I affixed some faux pebbles left over from an old project. On top of the bottle, I was going for a similar look to the dribbled wax you see sealing certain liquor bottles, only with different colors of mud; I dusted the clay with craft sand in tan and black, and textured it with tiny holes using a plastic brush. The bottle neck is circled with a ring of gray Granitex clay. Inside: real potting soil and real pebbles. It came out like a tiny rock garden terrarium!

Fire Jar

This was a jam jar from one of those Christmas gift boxes you get. I thought the squared off shape mimicked a lantern. The clay on the sides is translucent with gold and copper Perfect Pearls blended in; I wanted light to be able to penetrate. The lid is covered in a similar blend with gold clay also included. Again, the clay here was coated after baking with Future for shine. I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of myself for coming up with the contents of the fire jar. I took the plastic "flame" top off one of those electric faux votive candles, revealing the circuit board and tiny light bulb. I covered the circuit board with some thin copper sheeting, and placed the light in the jar. Then I poured over it a mix of small gold beads and super tiny gold seed beads.

I'm pretty happy with the results of this experiment, Blog, and definitely inspired to use some of these techniques to make more jars in the future! And I'm wondering if any of our readers has ever done a creative project using the four classic elements. Please share if you have!

P.S.: Scrutinous readers who click on the photos for larger views will notice cracks in the glass of the Water and Fire Jars. You see, the best way to bring out the translucence in polymer clay is to immerse the work in cold water right out of the oven. As I discovered, though, this also causes the jar to crack! Fortunately, both jars only cracked inside, so they didn't break and don't leak. And I kind of like the effect. (Although I might just be telling myself that! LOL)

How my heroine Aggie will help the real world too

2011-04-29T15:53:00.000-05:00

Blog, I've got some super exciting news. I just completed arrangements for the proceeds of sales of my new novel, Aggie's Nine Heroes, to go to a great charity called Kiva.org.

You see, Aggie's Nine Heroes has more going for it than quirky characters, suspense, adventure, romance, and a Care Bear named Bono. It also explores themes related to responsible living, charity, and benevolent entrepreneurship. Aggie's grandfather Bernie is a model for using one's gifts and financial success to make the world a better place. Meanwhile, Aggie and her team of heroes create a business dedicated to serving the needs of people in trouble. So, I wanted likewise to use the proceeds of this book in a manner that Bernie and Aggie would approve.

In Kiva, I found the perfect charity to support the concepts explored in the novel. Kiva is an 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that allows people to lend money via the Internet to microfinance institutions in developing countries around the world in the U.S., which in turn lend the money to small businesses and students.

Kiva enables people who otherwise would be "unbankable" to start businesses and become productive members of their local communities, while bringing themselves and their families out of poverty. The loans provided by supporters of Kiva are paid back in full about 98% of the time, so everyone wins. It's a brilliant concept that is being embraced by more people all the time, through Kiva and other organizations like it.

25% of the proceeds of my book sales will be donated outright to Kiva for ongoing administrative expenses. 75% of proceeds will be provided to investments through Kiva. I'm so excited to see what lives I and my readers can touch through this project! And it will all start after Aggie's Nine Heroes is released in June. Blog--and blog readers--stay tuned for the fun!

Cody learns to jump through a hoop etc.

2011-04-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

As you know, Blog, our cat Cody has been working long and hard on clicker training, and we finally have a performance on video to document his great success. So I'm here today to share with our readers the proof that you can train a regular house cat to do the same cool stuff big cats do!

After seeing on the show "Must Love Cats" how easily kitties can be trained using a clicker, I was determined to try it at home. I started by ordering myself a copy of the book Cat Training in 10 Minutes by Miriam Fields-Babineau. I highly recommend this book as a terrific resource.

In addition to the book, I needed a few essential tools for Cody's training. The first, of course, was a clicker. They're not expensive, so spring for a sturdy one; you'll find them at your local pet supply store. I also needed cat treats, and nothing says "treat" to Cody like turkey. Training treats only need to be pea size or less, so even an ever-so-slightly-husky cat like Cody won't put on weight from training.

The one other item I really needed to lay my hands on, Blog, was a hoop. Now this proved a daunting task. It seems that no one actually sells sturdy plastic hoops suitable for being jumped through by housecats. Go figure. In fact, there's not even anything (until NOW!!!) on the Internet about how to make one.

I went to my local Home Depot, thinking "irrigation tubing," but they didn't have any that was a nice ~1/2" size. So I asked the helpful Home Depot Lady about plastic tubing. "What sort of thing do you need it for?" she asked. "I'm training my cat to jump through a hoop so I need to make a hoop," I told her.

Blank, confused look. "Okay," she said, "let's ask Jim, he's the specialist on PVC tubing." We found Jim. The H.D. Lady said, "She's looking for 1/2" plastic tubing," and he said, "What sort of thing do you need it for?" I told him, "I'm training my cat to jump through a hoop so I need to make a hoop."

Deja vu.

Anyway, the illustration shows what I ended up buying: some Pex tubing and a Pex fitting. It worked perfectly and took about five minutes to convert to a hoop for Cody. Here's the resulting hoop:

So, I have trained with Cody maybe 5 days a week, for five to ten minutes a day, for about five weeks. Honestly though, Blog, he learned each new trick in a couple days...continuing training is simply helping him focus so he's less distracted and confused. You can see in the video how well it worked! And the video will also show you a few things about how clicker training works.

The coolest thing I learned from training Cody is that a cat really does care enough about your opinion to want to learn to do what you ask. It's not just about the turkey. He really seems to love our training sessions and getting to play along and do things that get a pleased reaction from his best buddy (me). I'm looking forward to teaching him more tricks like high five, shaking hands, jumping from chair to chair, etc.

So I highly recommend you try this with your cat! And if you do, or already have a cat that does tricks, please share in the comments. Say it with me, Blog: "Yay Cody!"

Copycat

2011-04-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

Blog, I've talked before about how I am so often inspired by other artists when I craft stuff of my own. It's hard not to be inspired by really cool art and want to try your hand at similar work in your own style. That's definitely the origin of this watercolor I did yesterday which I call "Cat-a-chrome."

The inspiration for this painting was the work of Drew Strouble aka Catman Drew (I love that name...I keep singing it in my head in my Bob Seger voice). I was introduced to Drew by the awesome Animal Planet Show "Must Love Cats." A lot of Drew's work is very realistic--truly gorgeous--and way beyond my abilities. But his "Colorful Cats" were featured on the show and I thought perhaps I could manage doing something like those stylized, psychedelic felines.

I worked awhile on developing a style of my own for the cartoonized cats. Then I figured I'd try a classic three-by-three arrangement and sketched them on watercolor paper. I did final drawing in felt tip pen, then did the painting, then went over the pen a second time. The painting came out pretty well! I haven't done any watercolor painting in a long time, and it was really fun to explore the medium again.

And you know me, Blog, I'm always happy to have more cats in the house...even the 2-D kind! Thanks, Catman Drew, for the inspiration. I hope this post will send some cat art lovers your way!

We went to Savannah, you should too!

2011-04-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

Did you miss me, Blog? Well, I missed you too, but I didn't miss the craptastic weather that was going on here in Wisconsin. Meanwhile, where I was it was sunny and in the 70s! Like spring should be! That's just one of the reasons why I highly recommend a vacation in Savannah, Georgia. Here are some more!

1. The unbelievable beauty of the place. I guess modern architects don't totally suck (Santiago Calatrava for example, the designer of Milwaukee's spectacular art museum). But they did know how to build homes back in the 18th and 19th centuries. And public spaces. The 22 squares of Savannah are so beautiful, especially this time of year. The city has got to be one of the best places in America to find restored buildings...you can explore for days and not see them all. Here are a few fave examples, brought to you by ICU, my camera.

Me and Davie in front of the famous fountain in Forsyth Park

2. The live oaks. That's what they call the prevailing trees in Savannah, "live" because they do not go dormant. I guess they lose their leaves once a year but immediately get new ones. These trees are known for the broad spread of their branches, making them pretty much the best shade tree imaginable. They are also super strong and long-lived. Many of the trees in Savannah were here before the birth of the United States! I totally fell in love with them.

The Candler Oak dates from ~1730

3. The flowers. While we're on the subject of flora, if you travel to Savannah in late March/early April, the flowers are at their peak of bloom. And they are everywhere, especially the glorious white and pink azaleas. Our patio is nice in the summer, but not quite on this level. Wow, Blog.

4. The history. Even if you're not so much a history buff, you have to appreciate being in a place that was key to the original settlement of America, the Revolutionary War, and the Civil War. We saw the room General Lafayette slept in during his post-Revolutionary War tour of the U.S., and ate dinner in a building (The Olde Pink House) that was built in 1771 and used as a headquarters for the Union Army. So many places have remained much like they looked back in those days, like Factors Walk which was a commerce center for cotton in pre-Civil War days.

The Olde Pink House

Factor's Walk

5. The food. Speaking of The Olde Pink House, that is one amazing place to eat, Blog. In fact, we found scrumptious dining all over the Historic District. The seafood in this place is to die for. I don't know if I can eat the shrimp from Pick N Save ever again! There's also all kinds of quaintness in the dining locales. From the fabulous river view at Huey's to the elegant old charm of the Gryphon Tea Room, we loved eating in Savannah.

BLT salad and Southern Sushi from The Olde Pink House

Ceiling at the Gryphon Tea Room

6. The shopping. Savannah does have its share of touristy shopping, but it also has scads of fantastic boutiques that showcase the work of talented artists and artisans. (Intentional pun: SCAD, the Savannah College of Art and Design, is a big influence here.) We treated ourselves both to a print of the trees (see #2) and to this fantastic glass piece which we call the Time Tunnel Orb.

This just scratches the surface of the joys of Savannah, Blog. It's simply the most beautiful place I've ever visited. I'll put it to you this way: I had a fabulous time last year in Vegas but I didn't cry when I left! I comfort myself by thinking that right now in Savannah, those live oaks stand faithfully shading the lovely streets and squares, as they have for hundreds of years and hopefully will for hundreds more.

My books are for sale in Chinese!

2011-03-30T06:00:00.003-05:00

Blog, they are! And here are the covers to prove it! You can see with your own eyes here.

As I mentioned here in a post last November, last year I was approached by a literary agent (Chengdu Rightol Media & Advertisement Co. Ltd.) in the People’s Republic of China about the translation and Chinese publishing rights for my two vampire romance novels, Bloodchained and Bloodchained II: The Secret of Secrets (www.bloodchained.com). The deal went through successfully and was thrilling to me both financially and as an awesome cultural experience. I even exchanged Facebook messages with the translator of BCII, Ning Qian, a wonderful young woman who taught me a lot about Chinese culture.

Well, yesterday I decided to try googling the titles on Amazon China, and lo and behold, there they were! Some of the artistic elements drawn by my daughter Katie for the English book covers are combined with those gorgeous Chinese characters...I love them! Both books are indicated as “Editors Choice,” and they are currently selling better than the paperback versions on Amazon.com! (Now if only China would get the Kindle...)

So now you can see how “Bloodchained” translates! According to Google translate, it’s literally “Blood Bound.” I’d love to know what else these covers say, if anyone out there can read them for me! I’m expecting eventually to receive some sample copies from my agent, so that will be amazing. And here’s my name in Chinese (assuming you all have the font installed): 戴安娜•劳伦斯 Too cool!

In googling the books, I found they are offered for sale all over the internet, at countless Chinese sites that are remarkably similar to online book distributors in the Western World. Considering the population of the People’s Republic, it should come as no surprise that there are droves of Chinese booksellers.

What is a fairly new development, from what I can gather, is the PRC government’s willingness to encourage and endorse free enterprise like this. My publisher, New Star Press in Beijing, has official authorization to find Western titles like mine, translate and distribute them. That means lots of new opportunities for agents like mine, and translators, and booksellers both online and brick-and-mortar style. There is more demand for recreational reading material than the People’s Republic can currently provide from within, and with increased openness to the principles of capitalism, situations like mine are the result.

What really rocks about this, Blog, is that it means more communication between citizens of the West and those of the PRC. That can only be a good thing. I’ve learned, for example, that young Chinese people now enjoy tons of American television via the internet. Clandestine though it is, this it teaching them how much we all have in common. Apparently there are tons of people in China just as interested in Bones and Booth getting together on the Fox drama series as I am!

Meanwhile, I experienced perfect courtesy and professionalism from my dealings with my agent and my translator. Establishing a relationship like this, which by necessity required some trust on both sides (it’s not like I can go to their offices and accost them!), also builds bridges.

Blog, all I can say is, it’s a great time to be an author, a publisher, and a citizen of Planet Earth!

How to host a Spa Day at home

2011-03-29T11:06:00.000-05:00

Blog, let’s review. Last Christmas Eve, my daughter Amanda and I opened packages from my other daughter Katie that contained baskets full of all sort of fun spa items: facial mix, “gator butter” for softening skin, socks to use for foot treatments, soft cushy slippers. There were also certificates to enjoy a day of treatments at a spa called “Carpe Diem.” Click on the image to see the lovely array of inclusions at said spa day!

Well, there had been a $50 limit on all our gifts to each other, so I questioned how Katie could afford to give us these spa days. “Because the spa is my house!” she explained. Which to our amazed minds made it even better!

So this past Saturday Katie hosted us for our Spa Day, and it was even more awesome than we had dreamed. Readers out there, this could be a great gift for you to give a loved one! Here’s how it all went down.

A relaxing arrival

When we arrived, we found Katie had prepared her cozy arts-and-crafts style living room with comfy chairs flanking the faux fireplace, scented candles, and fresh flowers. Manzi and I put on our robes and aforementioned slippers. Katie had made us each a relaxing heated shoulder wrap made from a sock stuffed with rice and gloriously scented with vanilla sandalwood. We settled into our chairs with lovely glasses of sparkling cucumber spring water (cuke and lime slices). We also had bowls of organic dried fruit and pepitas/cocoa nibs/dried cranberries to snack on.

Foot treatment

It was time for a little party for our feet! Katie had a large dishpan type-tub for each of us, into which she placed warmed river rocks and a hot soak of honey, milk and oatmeal. The rocks are so you can wiggle your feet and get a nice massage, and they really did feel great. Katie used another homemade concoction to exfoliate our feet, made of vanilla, brown sugar, oatmeal, milk-soaked ground almond and extra virgin olive oil. She rinsed us off with cool milk and toweled our tootsies dry. Then she indulged us in an actual foot massage, using shea butter, extra virgin olive oil, jojoba oil and vanilla sandalwood whipped into butter. We put on our socks to let the buttercream work even more magic to soften our feet.

A healthy, uber-tasty lunch

Katie had prepared us a scrumptious spa lunch, which was served to us in our chairs. She made smoked salmon, Greek yogurt and chive open-faced sandwiches on whole grain pita bread, and balsamic quinoa salad with spinach and feta. Satisfying for both soul and body, not to mention super yummy!

Hand treatment

Our hands were up next for pamperization. We soaked them in bowls of warm milk, honey and oatmeal. Then they got the whole buttery treatment and massage similar to our feet--the lotion was like the foot stuff except with emulsifying wax and water in place of the shea butter. It’s amazing how much effect hand and feet massages alone can accomplish! Afterwards, our warm and relaxed hands cozied up in hand towels for awhile.

Facials

We were actually given three options of facials and could pick our preference. Manzi chose the one suited for normal/dry skin, and I picked the one for aging skin. Katie gave us each a headband to keep our hair clean, and proceeded to cleanse, tone, and apply our skin-specific masks. We relaxed in our chairs for awhile, and it was essential to have cucumber slices placed on our closed eyes...both to refresh them and to provide entertainment as Katie rescued them a few times from sliding off! Then after 20 minutes or so, Katie wiped the facials off gently (yep, we didn’t even need to go rinse in the sink) and then applied moisturizers. All natural ingredients were used for everything, including eggs, banana, ground avocado pit, lemon and honey!

Katie all the infos she used for everything by searching online, Blog. Here are some websites she recommends:

ingredients and recipe ideas: www.fromnaturewithlove.com
awesome source for shea butter: www.nasabb.com
ehow is always a great source:www.ehow.com/homemade-masks

Here’s to our health!

We capped off the day with lovely glasses of dry champagne with fresh raspberries. It was time to just chat and enjoy each other’s company for awhile. That was the perfect way to conclude the perfect day!

It goes without saying that Katie put a lot of prep, research, and work into treating us to this wonderful spa day. (She also took all these awesome photos during the festivities!) But speaking for her, Blog, it was all worth it. It was a day her sister and I will never forget, and meant so much more because she did it for us herself.

So if you dabble in home spa or would like to get into it (Katie was totally new at it), what better to do than treat a friend or family member or two into a spa day?

Orthopedic sturgeons

2011-03-23T20:27:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when Davie and I brainstorm, and then I capture our thoughts via that wonderful tool called Photoshop. I think the Randometer approves.

That is all.

I heart my Thunderbolt - a review, with love

2011-03-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

I have returned at last, Blog, for I just have to share about my crazy love affair with my new Thunderbolt phone, which I got last Thursday. I was the very first person to buy one from my local Verizon store because the T’bolt launch date was the exact day I qualified for “New After Two.” Ah, kismet.

Please meet Tybalt, over whom I am so unreasonably giddy as to be singing things like “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I do really adore this phone. The reasons why may be no big deal to recent iteration iPhone and Android phone users, so if so, bear with me. To a person who had a 20-month old Blackberry (wow, 20 whole months), Tybalt seems to have come from the future.

1. Speed. I’ll say it again. Speed. I live on the south side of Milwaukee, a city slated to get 4G service by the end of 2011. But I got Tybalt home and discovered that our area actually has it NOW! Whoa, you should see the fastness, it’s almost as good as browsing on my PC, speedwise. Even in 3G areas it is ridonkulously fast.

2. When you wake Tybalt up, the home screen does what the local weather is doing. Like the clouds part, or it rains and some windshield wipers flash by, or lightning streaks across the screen. I mean, not only does Tybalt know where I am and what the weather is there, he acts it out. Gosh. Okay, that’s fun but I guess I need to focus on more serious issues. (But it is WAY fun.)

3. He is a kickass phone. As in phone. As in crystal clear sound like I used to have on our landline but gave up to save money so I could justify paying for a smartphone. Imagine it! A great phone!

4. He’s a GPS at no extra charge! I never got GPS on my Blackberry because it was $10/month extra, but not Tybalt. Not only does he know where I am, he knows what direction I am facing. Seriously! Also, I can say at him where I want to go (like “Kohls”) and he finds the nearest Kohls, maps the route, shows me where and can even vocalize turn-by-turn directions! Boo-yah.

5. A press of a button (the Places app) reveals cool stuff nearby. Restaurants! Bars! Attractions! Gas! Not only that, there are reviews and info and of course, mapping. A vacationer’s dream I tell you.

6. A way better version of Facebook. FB is key to me, and this version is ten times better than the FB app I had before. Heck, all the apps seem cooler. You should see the nifty way WeatherBug looks on here, with all the sliding around of panels and stuff.

7. That spready-finger feature. Yeah, I know this is not exactly cutting-edge, but I love being able to use my fingers to make an area of the browser screen larger. Links work so much better, too. I’ll just say I’m coveting a tablet way less now.

8. Angry Birds. Wow, it’s all they said it was and more. I won’t miss Bubblechain after all.

9. Glorious picture and sound. Yeah, I’m not talking about a TV. The image is so awesome, and the speakers real nice, and I can plug in headphones and get really great stereo sound. Oh Tybalt, is there no electronic device you can’t stand in for?

10. And all that jazz. Where do I stop? There’s a barcode scanner, a really excellent flashlight that I’ve already used, front and back cameras, very convenient syncing of all my email accounts, contacts, bookmarks, calendars, gazillions of apps like Walgreens (where my entire library of photos are stored online) and eBay and YouTube, crazy plentiful customization features, yada yada.

My Blackberry tried to do things, and sometimes did them okay, but often did them half-assed. My Thunderbolt does all things well. (Okay, he can’t totally replace the TV yet, but wait till Hulu is made Android-accessible. And Netflix, what about you too?) Tybolt can do GPS, game device, music player, computer, camera/camcorder, and...wait for it...phone.

You can use a Thunderbolt as a substitute nook or Kindle also, but I’m afraid I also have to hang on to Cranny--he still makes for a better ereader. I have to keep ICU, my real camera, too, but I’m guessing I could stop carrying him everywhere with me and reserve him for vacays and siteseeing trips. Now Abbott Labs just needs to find a way to integrate the continuous glucose monitor into an Android phone and I will only need one device on me to live!

Okay, okay...to be fair, there’s one thing I still kind of need to live, and that’s my PC, Gaiman. But only because I wouldn’t want to try to write a novel on a phone. Or for that matter, Blog, a blog.

Crafting with random stuff

2011-03-02T10:10:00.000-06:00

Crafting falls into two categories, Blog: the projects you plan and purchase supplies for, and the projects you do from whatever random stuff you have on hand. While the former type of project often leads to more polished and impressive results, the latter type has its advantages. Random crafting means no outlay of cash that you haven't already spent, and it yields a special satisfaction because you made something cool out of whatever was on hand.

Sunday I had a little spare time open up, so I pulled out my many jewelry supply storage boxes (which are random in and of themselves, Blog) and fashioned this necklace. The elements included are:

1. Four types of ribbon I purchased as a group at the 2009 Bead & Button show in Milwaukee.

2. A gold chain I bought on sale at Michaels on some random shopping trip.

3. Some gold beads that were part of a giant assortment I bought on eBay in 2007.

4. Some assorted wooden beads I found in my sewing box years ago that I probably had since the 70s.

5. Some plastic leaf beads I totally do not recall buying but have also had for years.

And they all come together to make this pretty nice necklace! Sweet.

As any jewelry making hobbyist (or any craft hobbyist of any kind will tell you), part of the joy of the hobby is acquiring a nice supply of random items. This includes taking advantage of sales and clearances at traditional craft supply sources as well as always being on the lookout for stuff you can use. Some of my more unusual sources have been:

The beach - rocks and driftwood
Lowe's - glass tile pieces
The basement - misc. metal fasteners
American Science & Surplus - semi-precious stones, jars, scrap metal
Milwaukee Art Museum snack bar - an unusual soda bottle

And the best thing about this whole process is that you make the world a prettier place! That's a worthy cause, wouldn't you say, Blog?

How to have a steampunk high tea

2011-02-20T13:58:00.000-06:00

My dearest Blog, I was privileged yesterday to be among the fortunate guests at a steampunk high tea. Meet (standing left to right) Julianne, Chuck, Henry, Layla, Anna, (yours truly), Greg, and (seated) our hosts, Laura and Paul.

How precisely ought one host a steampunk high tea? Why, I am glad you asked, Blog.

First of all, for those unfamiliar with the term "steampunk," it is a popular genre of fashion and fantasy that combines Victorian style with science fiction elements of the type found in the writings of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells. Think time travel, airships, machinery incorporating gears and steam engines, all expressed with the elegance of the Victorian period. And what better way to enjoy the company of fellow steampunk fans than at a high tea, a social event very much in vogue during the reign of Queen Victoria?

Like steampunk in general, such a gathering is certainly open to individual interpretation. But I will share with you some tips based upon the manner in which it was executed by our delightful hosts, Paul and Laura. Follow these guidelines and you too can travel back to a romantic time that never really quite existed....

1. Invite guests who will come attired in steampunk-themed garb. As you see, that is key. Outfits include top hats and vests, splendid coats, long skirts, high button shoes...and the more subtle steampunk elements just as goggles, jewelry fashioned of gears and cogs, and props such as the sextants at Greg's hip in the photo above. British accents such as were employed by Henry and Greg are optional, as are imaginary character back stories, but hope to have a few attendees who will amuse your guests with same! And a de rigueur activity for guests is admiring each other costumes. Henry's "spat shoes" received particular attention.

By the way, it's not hard or expensive to contrive your own steampunk costume. I outfitted myself for about $50 out of pocket. A better view of me:

Start in your own closet. I used a shirt and vest I already had, and high-button velvet boots from a prior costume. Supplement with items from thrift stores, online steampunk shops, Etsy and eBay. I got my bustled skirt on eBay from Moonlight Cove. Don't forget steampunk props and jewelry, like the steampunk heart pendant I made from polymer clay. You can achieve a lot by spending a little. I made my hat from supplies I bought at Michael's for under $10.

2. Prepare a romantic, old-fashioned table. Paul and Laura happen to own a variety of antique china perfectly suited to the occasion. Combined with equally splendid goldware, glassware, tablecloth, napkins, and fresh flowers, the look is formal but charming.

Don't forget placecards and small gifts such as the net bags Laura made and filled with period-appropriate salt water taffy. Note the small gear sewn on the bag for that steampunk touch.

3. Serve tea. We were offered three types of delicious teas with cream, sugar and honey. There's something so delightful about the ritual of pouring tea. The guests at your tea will also enjoy the option of alcoholic beverages; we had some cherry wine as well as both sweet and dry champagne.

4. Observe the traditions of high tea food. Laura informed me that high tea includes three courses: scones, sandwiches, and desserts. Our scone course included two offerings. Our sandwiches were both sweet and savory (strawberry, cucumber, and some wonderful chicken salad on cherry walnut bread).

And the desserts included both raspberry and lemon layer cakes, petit fours, and chocolate truffles from Harrod's.

5. Discuss the wonders of steampunk. Of course the meal can include any sort of discourse that arises, but it's definitely a good opportunity to talk about DIY steampunk projects and past steampunk gatherings like the TeslaCon that takes place in Wisconsin. Here Paul examines some nifty goggles that Henry fabricated out of leather, showerhead parts, etc.

6. Provide appropriate props for your guests to enjoy. Among the props at our party was my little creation Herbert G the stitchpunk doll. It was a thrill to share him with such an auspicious group! Our hosts had a nifty stereoscope on hand and plenty of antique photos for us to view in 3D; here you see Greg trying it out while Chuck awaits a turn.

Paul also brought out the old 3D camera he bought to create his own 3D pictures. Note: two lenses! It uses regular 35 mm film.

7. Don't mind the anachronisms. Paul's iPhone came in handy for steampunk related research. No reason not to take advantage of the tools of the current age. You can always account for the phenomenon by pretending to be time-travelers from the past, visiting the current year.

And that, Blog, is all you need to do to throw your own steampunk high tea. I made wonderful new friends and enjoyed a refreshing mental break from our Wisconsin winter and the trials and tribulations of real life.

Thank you, Paul and Laura! Bravo!

A cuppycake-lovin' critter

2011-02-15T12:08:00.000-06:00

Blog, as you well know we have a new resident at Magic House. Yesterday (aka Valentine's Day) I brought into the world this little green guy and the cupcake he dearly loves. My money is on him being able to nom that entire cuppycake in one bite, how about you?

This is my response to the February creativity prompt from our pals at the A Creative Dream blog: "Love." The little green guy loves his fudge-frosting-topped treat, and I love him, because I modeled him after the little blue guy in the AT&T HTC phone commercials, with whom I am obsessed. In case you aren't getting that reference, here you go:

But before we address little green guy and his most remarkable feature, let us first discuss the plush cupcake he is about to nom. I based this on ideas in Warm Fuzzies, the book I referenced in my crazy hat post. You too can easily make a plush cuppycake of your own.

I just took a strip of dark brown fleece and folded it in half lengthwise. Then I rolled it up to create the effect of swirled frosting. I stuffed the end with the cut edges inside a cuff cut from a pink sock, which stands in, of course, for the paper cupcake cup. A circle of pink felt whipped stitched to the bottom completes the cup, but before you sew it on, trim the fleece inside and/or add stuffing to make it nice and flat on the bottom. Festoon your cupcake with toppings made of puff balls, beads, buttons, etc. You can trim it with ribbon or rickrack too.

And as for the cupcake-ophile creature, Blog, let me call your attention to the one tricky feature about him of which I am truly proud: his mouth. When creating the pattern for green guy, I recognized immediately the big challenge: his mouth needs to be concave, and when you stuff something, it's impossible to give it a concave feature like that.

I had a eureka moment, though, Blog. I made a shape out of aluminum foil in the size and shape of the indentation I needed for greenie's mouth. I covered this mold with a sheet of polymer clay, trimmed it, and baked it. I popped the baked clay off the mold, then covered it with black felt, using fabric glue. I discovered I heart fabric glue!!

I cut an opening for the mouth in the fleece of the head front. I folded the edges of this opening inward, and sewed the felt-covered mouth piece inside. I cannot deny that this was tricky, since I didn't want any stitches to show. The bonus of having the clay piece inside the body was that it supported two wire armatures for the arms and legs, which I mounted there with electrical tape.

I hand sewed the front and back body pieces together, stuffing with fiberfill as I went. Then I simply had to sew on two black beady eyes, and my green guy was ready for dessert!

And, of course, to be loved....

Made a crazy hat, have a crazy cat

2011-02-07T10:52:00.000-06:00

Blog, do you think this hat I sewed this weekend is just too crazy? Well, I'm going to wear it anyway.

I got a new book called Warm Fuzzies which includes some very cute patterns for misc. stuff made out of felted sweaters. I did not feel like felting sweaters, so I just used some fleece I found on sale at JoAnn. The supplies for my sewing project cost less than three bucks, so I'm happy. And I'm also prepared for the cold snap we're expecting tomorrow.

This hat has neat-o keen ear flaps that you can wear up like in that first picture, or down like in this one. The ear flaps are dorky but I really like the idea of warm ears.

I also really like the yarn I found, which you can see showcased in this rear shot of the hat.

Yes, it's a seriously crazy hat, Blog. The mittens are made to match but I guess a person can get away with wearing crazy stuff on her hands more easily than on her head.

So, that's the story of my crazy hat...now let's address my crazy cat. Actually, my cat is no crazier than the rest of his species. As cat owners generally know, if there is a flat object, such as a magazine, freshly folded laundry, or a piece of fabric you are using to make a crazy hat, it doesn't matter how many other more appropriate spots there are in the vicinity for your cat to sit. Your cat will sit on said object.

Your cat will not care what inconvenience this causes you. In fact, your cat will act really cute so that you feel that whatever you were planning on doing with said object, you should refrain if it will inconvenience your cat.

Well, I have dealt with Cody's cuteness long enough that I can, when pressed, actually resist it. I moved Fabric #1 out from under him and he moved on. That is, until I laid out Fabric #2.

The placement of Cody's paw on the pattern piece indicates that he is well aware of my activity and knows that this fabric was not spread out on the dining room table for his personal benefit. The expression on Cody's face indicates how much he cares about that.

In my final shot below, you see evidence of the extreme contempt that cats have for whatever it is their owners might be up to.

He seems to be thinking, "Keep cutting, lady, I double-cat-dare you." Of course I didn't. After more tries than are reasonable, I managed to move his paw out of the way and keep it there.

So that is the tale of my crazy hat and crazy cat, Blog.

Blizzards have gotten so much better

2011-02-03T11:12:00.001-06:00

Hey Blog, I have to tell the story of a time long before you were born, before there were any blogs at all. The year was 1981, the place was Deer Creek Township, Iowa. Sound like the boonies? Well, this photo shows you where that is, Blog, and it was the Boonies with a capital B.

Just how boony was it? Well, here’s the view I saw of the road there, when I went to get the mail.

But I want to tell you about a time when it was almost impossible to get the mail, because it had snowed. And snowed, and snowed. The winter of 1981, my first winter as a pastor’s wife, was a time of blizzards. Blizzards that made our tiny parsonage howl from the wind, wind that knocked out our power for hours on end, cold hours that made us close off the bedrooms (on the north side) and drove the temp in those rooms below freezing. Blizzards that buried our house in drifts six feet high, which had to be tunneled through before I could get the mail.

There was a period when I didn’t see a living soul outside my family of three for ten days. But that was not the worst of it: the worst of it was, there was no Internet. My companions for that blizzard were the four channels on our TV. Yes, no cable, no VCR, Blog, but believe me, the worst of it was, there was no Internet. A person living in Deer Creek Township could have used the Internet every day of the year, but especially during the cold and lonely isolation of a blizzard.

Fast forward to the great blizzard of 2011, aka the Groundhog Day Snopacalypse. I will rush to say that it helped that the power stayed on, it helped to have cable TV and DVR and streaming Netflix. But more than anything, it helped to have the Internet. Sure, 60 mph winds howled around our house as if to take the roof off. Sure, we had snow piles reminiscent of the Alps. But the mood remained cheerful throughout…and why?

Because all during the storm and its clean up, I shared the experience with others. I watched videos and real time blogging on local news sites. I emailed with loved ones in various places. And most of all, I hung out on Facebook, where people I knew all over the country commiserated and reported and joked, and people I knew all over the world sympathized.

We kept abreast of each other’s locations. Even those without power updated via their smart phones. And everyone--including me, of course--posted photos and videos of their little slice of Winter Wondergeddon. Digging out a buried car wasn’t such a hardship when you could share it with friends and get their sympathy. Living in a world suddenly dominated by snow was kinda cool, since you could photograph it and impress friends living in Florida and California. For all of us, to one degree or other it was a pain, but we turned it into a party too.

My dad lives 15 miles away. We both knew we were fine and we didn’t feel cut off, because we could email and share links and photos and other cheery bits. Transfer the 2011 Blizzardathon to 1981 Iowa and we would hopefully have had the phone, intermittently.

So I say to the young folk out there, who can barely remember a world without texting and Skype and Twitter, be thankful for the Internet, especially in times of crisis. Sometimes it saves lives. Sometimes it spreads truth when cruel regimes want that truth stifled. And sometimes it simply makes hard times much, much happier.

Happy like our cat Cody was after Davie shoveled, and he could see out the patio doors again.

My new craft gallery revealed!

2011-01-24T12:41:00.000-06:00

Well, Blog, I'm just as pleased as planter's punch to be able to announce the Sorta Secret Project I've been slaving over for a couple of weeks. It's my new, spiffy online craft gallery, and I am unveiling it officially today. It's a wonderful place for me to share my polymer clay, needlecraft, beadwork, and graphic arts projects.

www.dianasgallery.com is the nifty URL!

You see, since one of my Christmas presents was a professional photoshoot of my crafts by the inimitable Chris Robleski, I decided I needed a nice venue to properly display the resulting images. So I created this new gallery, and I think it turned out mighty nice.

What I was striving for with this gallery was:

a clean look that would show off the stuff
easy navigation
a quick way to view the items in a decent size
only enough text to provide key information
just a little bit of whiz-bangi-ness

It's amazingly difficult to find a balance between all the elements that can make for a good art/craft gallery. For example, I wanted quick and easy viewing of decent-sized images, which kind of required the use of Flash. However, that means you can't view the gallery on smartphones. Oh well!

I wanted clear enough detail, but not huge images that would take a long time to load. That meant having to put high-resolution images of everything also on Flickr, with links there from the gallery for those who want to be able to see more detail.

On my old gallery, I provided lots of textual information, which also meant a fairly ugly layout and probably more text than most visitors would want to wade through. Now, of course, I don't tell as much...but hopefully the photos are worth a few thousand words.

The photos are of course what makes the gallery. Sadly, Blog, I don't personally have all the neat jazz required to take this quality of pictures. As you can see from this picture of the photoshoot, Chris and assistant Katie were working with some seriously fancy equipment (not to mention some seriously fancy talent). They have given me the light box you see here, so I can do better with my own photos going forward, but I still will fall a bit short. I have made some items that I wanted to share but I no longer have in my possession, and it's easy to tell which they are by my WAY less cool photos. Fortunately, going forward I may be able to have the occasional "catch-up" session, at least for any really primo stuff I make in the future.

So, for those wanting to know some of the details of the process, I designed this site using the tools on Wix. I upgraded to a "Combo" plan which is $9.90 per month and makes the site ads-free. I blew an additional $11.95 for a year of having my own domain (via GoDaddy). Wix has all the tools I needed to create and manage the site, with the exception of course of photo editing. For that I use Photoshop Elements. (Katie did the the photoshopping on the new shots, and she has the full version of Photoshop.)

I'd love to hear feedback from artists and non-artists out there. With the vagaries of web browsers and monitor settings, no two people will experience the gallery exactly the same (another drawback of the world of web sites!). I'd also love if you have an online gallery if you'd share the URL, or let me know any gallery sites you've found that really impress you.

Huge thanks again to Chris and Katie for making my gallery possible! Now I am inspired to MAKE MORE STUFF!!!

Saying goodnight to your cats

2011-01-20T15:14:00.000-06:00

Blog, I seldom say goodnight to you (sorry), but I do very often say goodnight to my cats. Last night all three of them were in a rare mood to be curled up in adjacent areas, and as I made the rounds to give each a pet and a goodnight, I remarked upon the weird human custom of saying goodnight to our pets.

With cats in particular it has to be baffling. I can imagine them saying to themselves, "Geez, I've gone to sleep 35780 times in the past 24 hours, and I didn't feel obligated to say goodnight to anyone on any of those occasions. Not even the ones which actually occurred during the hours of darkness. What is it with these humans and their ridiculously simple sleep schedules and crazy customs?"

Selke did not say goodnight before conking out within the comforting confines of the wrought-iron side table legs.

Cody did not say goodnight before passing out on my computer keyboard.

Or underneath this patio chair.

This cat that I don't know probably didn't say goodnight either, before falling asleep under this squash.

I guess I have to admit, it would be bizarre if anytime a cat was ready to nod off, he or she felt obligated to say goodnight. That would be even more annoying than Selke's insistence on having a meowing fit during our favorite TV shows ("Selke, no talking during 'The Vanilla Ice Project'!")

Cats also don't seem to care about acknowledging that they are leaving the room for the night. Actually my husband Davie isn't always big on that either. At any rate, it's no slight when they slink off for parts unknown without so much as a fare-thee-well. Obviously they really don't get it.

Why then is it that I feel I ought not pad up the stairs to bed without a proper goodbye to at least those cats which I can locate? Honestly, my emotions tell me if I passed Pookie snoozing on the back of the couch without acknowledgment of some kind, she would be all "Sheesh, I guess I'm chopped liver! And oooh, that sounds good. Later maybe ...zzzzz."

In point of fact, saying goodnight to cats is not for the cats, it's for us humans. Well, it's for us humans who lock their cats out of the bedroom, anyway. No point in saying it if the door is open, because the feline(s) in question will most likely join you at some point while you are a-slumber. But for people like me, we feel like we are leaving the poor little furry creatures alone for the night, deprived of our companionship...practically shunning them with our closed door and our refusal to acknowledge (in the case of Pookers) their proud howling at having caught and exterminated that jingle ball.

Actually, I think it's a nice custom, foolish or no. Once each night we get to acknowledge by that little gesture our bond with our pets, and remind ourselves how much a part of our lives they are. And I'm just silly enough to think that maybe, in some corner of Cody, Selke, and Alice's little brains, they are glad about it. I like to think they really do miss me during the eight hours I spend so quietly behind the bedroom door.

My strange desire to be a cartoon

2011-01-14T10:30:00.000-06:00

What does it say about me if I want to be a cartoon, Blog? Does it mean I envy cartoon characters their 2D lives, their linear plot lines? Or do I merely wish I could be rendered in fewer colors?

That paragraph sounded way more poetical than a subject this silly merits. Actually, I just have always loved cartoons, comic books, and animated movies, and would really like to see myself reinterpreted as a cartoon character because it would be fun. And cartoon characters are always cuter than I am in real life, Blog.

The other day I was seized with my periodic desperate urge to find the technology to really do a good job at turning my image into a cartoon character. I had made the image you see here maybe a year ago, and while it's okay, I wasn't crazy about it. The resemblance is decent, but I would never carry a bag that big and it surely wouldn't be pink. This "cartoon yourself" site just didn't provide quite enough options. In the interest of full disclosure I suppose I should also mention my calves are bigger than that.

So, I set out to see if there were any new sites around that might make me into a good cartoon. There are some to which you can upload a photo and they will make that transformation...but they don't do anything I can't do myself in Photoshop, and they don't make a person look very cartoony. Well, I just do it right now so you can see what I mean. That's it to the left. Rendering in fewer colors doesn't really do the whole job, Blog.

What I ended up finding was a site that you can use to design yourself in "Scott Pilgrim" style. I just saw the movie "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" (and it's awesome), and during the film there are a few scenes with cartoon versions of the characters, drawn up in the style of the original comics upon which the movie is based. Now that's what I'm talkin' about, Blog. So I made a Scott Pilgrimized version of myself and you can see it here. Very, very cute, mostly because it doesn't look that much like me. I'd kill for that tiny chin.

There are sites where you can provide a photo and hire an actual cartoonist to do your cartoon self. This would certainly work, although you know me, Blog: too cheap for that sort of dealio. In point of fact, I did appear in an actual artist's cartoon once, this one right here that was created by my friend and illustrator, CC Rogers. That's me on the left and her on the right. As you might guess, I was really thrilled to get this. She even put an appropriate necklace on me.

So I probably shouldn't complain that I can't turn myself into a fancy, full-color cartoon under these circumstances, Blog. Actually, I suspect this may simply be another manifestation of my longing to be a better artist and able to do cartooning myself. Wouldn't that just be the swellest? Well, at least I can claim that I've done a self-portrait, (although it's far from a cartoon one), back during my drawing phase ten years ago. It's even partially nude on account of the fact that I wanted to have some human body work in the picture. (So shield the eyes of the kiddies, Blog! Just kidding.)

Well, we may just have to put this in the Unfulfilled Dreams file, along with "Ability to sculpt the human figure in polymer clay," "Singing backup to a rock band," and "Getting Oprah's endorsement for one of my books." And I guess, how would a person appreciate those of her dreams that are fulfilled, if she didn't have an Unfulfilled Dreams file?

Armed with a Dremel tool!

2011-01-03T11:10:00.000-06:00

Speaking as we have been, Blog, of Christmas gifts, this year I received from Davie my own Dremel tool and accompanying workstation. Specifically, I got the Dremel 300 Series Variable Rotary Tool Kit, but that's rather lengthy. (And clearly the little guy has become such a friend already, he merits a name. Will have to think on that.) Here's a photo of all the neat junk that came with this kit.

And the workstation, specifically, is the Dremel 220-01, which you see here. Also super nifty but it seems weird to name a workstation so I don't think I will. Anyway, in spite of it's not coming with any documentation, I succeeded in finding same online (yay once again, Interwebs!) and assembling the thing.

Where the Interwebs did let me down was in providing some handy all-you-need-to-know article for polymer clay artists who have purchased a Dremel. (And suddenly I find myself singing "Dremel, Dremel, Dremel / I bought to use with clay...") I found other people looking for said info, but no answers, not even on the Dremel website. What bit should I get for drilling beads? What should I use to polish them? Etc.? I did, however, discover that there are no less than 27358903 accessories for Dremel rotary tools. Yikes.

The one useful thing I found, since the initial inspiration for my getting this tool was to be able to drill through lentil beads, was a tutorial for making a jig to use for drilling through lentil beads. So yay! I had my first construction project. This meant--oh how exciting--I would get to go to Lowe's to buy some quarter round (my first experience in the lumber area, awesome!) and some clamps. I had some scrap wood, a big needle, and Gorilla Glue already on hand.

Well, Blog, I got waylaid a little by cooking, but that was good, because I discovered our two nice kitchen knives were really dull. Instead of using the sharpener in the drawer, I took them down to my new Dremel studio in the basement and sharpened them with the D-dawg! (Probably not his official name.) They are now literally killer sharp, Blog!

Well, I was successful in whipping out that jig ("Use Dremel to cut and sand quarter round, check."). And I was ALSO successful in drilling lentil beads using it! "Check again.") Thanks to advice from my friend Paul, I used one of the small drill bits I had for our electric drill, with a collet I ordered online (different size than what came with the set). This worked WAY better than my first trial attempt at drilling, when I used the cutting tool that came with the Dremel and looked deceptively like a drill bit. That ended up just carving the bead all up. I must say, it's weird that the set doesn't seem to have your basic drill bit...that whole topic was my biggest point of confusion. Anyway, here's a photo of my setup, with the new jig in the foreground, and you'll see the drilled bead hanging out with the equipment too.

Okay, so yeah, that was awesome. But I wanted to do something really fantastic next. While at Lowe's I found some glass tiles that were pretty enough for jewelry (the check out girl raved about them too). I also had some colorless glass pebbles that I'd bought to use for jewelry somehow but never figured out how. TILL NOW! I was able to drill holes in both using the diamond bit I bought online, underwater in a little plastic tray. Well, aren't the possibilities endless NOW, Blog? So here's what I made with these items, in the photo. And yes, I'm thrilled.

What next for me and my Dremel tool who I suspect is going to end up just being called "Dremel"? Not sure, but I have a hankering to find a piece of steel and force-rustify it, and make it into something that needs to be drilled....

Stay tuned. And if anyone out there wants to share any good Dremel resources, please comment!

Homemade Gifts Reveal Part 3: Polymer Clay Stuff

2010-12-31T13:11:00.000-06:00

In our third and final segment of the reveal of my homemade Christmas gifts, Blog, I'm happy to present the polymer clay projects. It's my favorite medium! So let's get right to it.

MANZI'S REMY SALT CELLAR

My daughter Manzi likes Hitchcock movies, sure, but she's a fan of a lot of films, including Disney's "Ratatouille." She's nuts about the little rat chef hero, Remy.

Now Manzi and Nate's place is a little crowded (they're moving to bigger digs soon, yay!) so I didn't want to give her a Remy that didn't justify his existence somehow. Meanwhile, I knew that culinary devotee Manzi didn't have a decent salt cellar. So I decided to incorporate salt storage into my Remy. And, synchronistically, a week or two after I made this decision, Manzi even mentioned to me her desire for a salt cellar. It was destiny!

I sought out a few images of the cartoon Remy from different angles to use as models. Then I made a core of aluminum foil and incorporated some sturdy wire to support Remy's tail and arm. I used a pair of leftover eyes I'd made previously (a time-consuming process I was glad to have pre-completed), a lot of gray and pink clay, and beading wire for whiskers. A scrap of white fabric became his kerchief, emblazoned in red pen with "Cucina alla Z," a reference to Manzi's imaginary restaurant/catering business (her other nickname is "Z"). A salt cellar purchased from Bed, Bath and Beyond and an old baby spoon completed Remy's accessories.

Here's the little guy ready to assist in the kitchen:

And a back view showing off his tail:

If I had any artistic skill, this project would have been easier (it took me about five hours), but I admit I struggled to get my rat to have a proper resemblance to Remy. I guess I succeeded, because when Manzi opened the package, she obviously recognized him right away:

Happy happy joy joy, hey Blog?

DAD'S ROBOT

My dad taught me a love of science fiction from practically babyhood. He introduced me to one of sci-fi's most famous robots, Robby from "Forbidden Planet," way back in the early 60s. As I pondered what I might create for a guy like him, the idea of a robot came pretty quickly to mind.

My day job is at a company that sells machine parts, and it so happens we have a lot of parts that have been used as promotional and display items and end up sitting around in odd corners and drawers, going to waste (and making a lot of clutter). From these I scavenged a nice collection of bolts, brackets, washers, oil site glasses and other nifty steampunk-y elements. Supplemented with a few items from our own junk drawers, I had enough stuff to combine into a robot. In fact, I used nearly everything I had glommed: again, kismet.

Combining these elements with metallic polymer clay, assembled with super glue and support wires for strength and stability, after something like four hours I achieved this final result:

Note that inside his belly you can see behind the glass a little red heart! That's 'cause I love my dad. :-)

Here's the back view:

He looks ready to take over the universe, hey? And here's Dad showing him off on Christmas Eve:

JEWELRY FOR SHERRIE AND AVA

Polymer clay jewelry is where I started with this hobby, so for sure that came into play come gift-making time.

For my mother-in-law Sherrie, who likes pins, wears a lot of blue, and collects birdhouses, I made a bird pin. I used techniques from my idol, Christi Friesen. Here it is:

I'm a sucker for jewel tones. Alas, I was at the day job when Sherrie received this so no photo of her wearing it, but she told me on the phone she loved it. Yay!

Meanwhile, for Nate's daughter Ava, I had to utilize Christi Friesen's dragon techniques. Ava loves the movie "How to Train Your Dragon" (who wouldn't?) so I wanted to give her a dragon of her own. I also worked her name into it! Happily, it's not hard to carve "AVA."

The little guy is curled around a blue stone and has bead eyes and a nice string of iridescent beads along his spine. As of this writing we haven't had a chance to give it to Ava yet, but I have been assured she will adore it!

Both these pieces came out in less than three hours. You can make such cool things with polymer clay so quickly!

STOCKING STUFFERS: TREE ORNAMENTS

Not content to leave the claying at that, I also made a little tree ornament for each of the grown-ups. I had several ideas I had accumulated during the season and wanted to try them all.

For foodies Manzi and Nate, it seemed appropriate to make something that looked edible. I had seen faux chocolates at Stein's Garden & Gifts and knew you could make fake chocolate a lot better with polyclay. I made four different chocolates and strung them up in pairs with red cord on homemade wire hooks. See what I mean? It starts me drooling just to look at them. Trick of the trade for stuff like this: use mismatched scrap clay for the cores and then cover with the good stuff.

For the older generation among us--Dad and Sherrie--I went for elegant. Sometime during our holiday shopping I saw tiny packages made of polymer clay, so I wanted to try it myself. I made red and green striped wrapping paper of pearlized red and green clay, and YES, it was just as painstaking as you might suppose. Yikes. But all worth it when I saw the result, such evenly striped, thin stuff. I literally wrapped two "boxes" of scrap clay in this wrapping. They were finished with tiny ribbons and bows of white clay. After baking, I painted Future floor polish on the bows and ribbons to make them shiny. With a wire loop inserted and strung on red cord, the ornaments were good to go on the trusty tannenbaum.

Katie and Chris are the whimsical types, so for them I had to make a pair of anthropomorphized Christmas tree bulbs. I think you can work out from looking at them the simple approach I took; and I used leftover clay wrapping paper for their little scarves (that stuff was too cool to toss out). A coating of Future on the "glass" parts makes them shiny.

Well, Blog, that sums it up for this year's Creative Christmas presents on my part. I can report that I've never had a Christmas where I enjoyed giving gifts even half this much. And the getting was just as much of an upgrade! From the promissory note for a professional photoshoot of all my crafts by Chris (much better than these pix have been, Blog), to Nate's crazy "Give me the Davie Special" gift basket of rum and amaretto...

...to Katie's spa kits and certificate for a full-fledged spa day at her house, to Manzi's fun homemade gift cards for activities with her stepdad, everyone came through. Even non-artistic Davie found some absolutely amazing gifts we never imagined existed.

That was our Christmas at Magic House. If it sounds fun to you out there, you have almost a year to plan for having a Creative Christmas in your own family's style in 2012! Needless to say, we're already percolating ideas...

Homemade Gifts Reveal Part 2: Graphics Stuff

2010-12-29T05:58:00.000-06:00

Hey Blog, welcome to Part 2 of my big reveal of the gifts I made for my beloved family for our First Annual Creative Christmas. For three of the presents, I made use of the countless nifty ways in which we can use modern graphics technology to make neat stuff.

CHRIS'S PERSONALIZED SIGN

So, while on our fall shopping trip to Cedarburg, I saw those photography alphabet letters you can buy to make personalized signs. (Later, I learned they also offer this sort of thing at Michael's: their "Sticks and Stones" line.) Their use of black and white photos to suggest letters was really attractive to me, and reminded me of Katie's boyfriend Chris, who is a professional photographer. However, the ones I saw cost $7 a letter! Oy, who could afford to say more than "YOU ROCK" with our spending limit?

Later, I had the brainstorm to make my own sign in a crafty fashion, and the first step was to get photographs of letters. It suddenly dawned on me that Chris himself has taken photographs of a bizillion signs over the years. I went to his Flickr pages and, over the course of a VERY long time, found all the letters for my sign message. I then had to crop and resize them to precisely equal dimensions, convert them to black and white, and fix the brightness and contrast for consistency and visibility. Thank you, Photoshop!

I bought a balsa wood board at Michael's; one of the hardest parts of the project was sawing it evenly with our lame saw (could have used my new Dremel tool that day!). Then I sanded the cut edge and painted the board black.

Printing, very precise cutting, and very even mounting of the letters followed. And after that, I put approximately 37582075 layers of Mod Podge on the board. The whole project took about 12 hours. The final result:

The coolness of this sign is in direct proportion to the coolness of the original images (some of which, you'll note, are not letters but rather things that mimic letters). When Chris opened the present, I pretty quickly pointed out that all the photos were his, and that was awesome! He started identifying the locations of the various shots...super fun! (Some of you can recognize the second "R" was from an Iron Maiden poster he photographed.)

And best of all, no copyright infringement! Well, technically it was, but Chris didn't mind. Here he is with Katie happily studying his new sign:

NATE'S "MAD MEN" COCKTAIL BOOK

The brilliant illustrator Dyna Moe has been creating awesome Mad Men art for some time now. She's offered tons of cool images for free download for fans of the show, with plenty of support from the AMC cable channel. She's not allowed to sell her stuff, nor are those of us who privately enjoy it and/or give it to their daughter Amanda's boyfriend for Christmas.

Dyna's illustrations were the source I used to create a set of cocktail recipe cards. Once again Photoshop came to the rescue as I had to do quite a lot of design of my own, rearranging Dyna's graphics for this format.

I printed out the cards on light card stock in my computer printer, then laminated them back to back with my Xyron® laminating machine. I punched a hole in the corner of each card and put them all together with a key ring-type ring. The results:

There you have it, 18 classic cocktail recipes to keep in the bar area, impervious to spills of gin, grenadine, olive juice and the like! This was a speedy project to complete, at only about four hours. Nevertheless, Nate was thrilled, and therefore I was UBERthrilled:

MANZI'S HITCHCOCK ORNAMENT

My daughter Amanda aka Manzi (or Manzy, as she spells it, or Mandsi, as her sister spells it) is a film buff, and her favorite director is Alfred Hitchcock. In fact, she is working on a huge book that will encyclopedically analyze every one of his films. So, when in my daily blog reading I ran into some mini-Hitch-posters, I thought of her. I wish I could remember who did them, but I since deleted the link, my bad. At any rate, once again I fall back on the "I'm not stealing if I didn't make any money" excuse here. I saved the four posters to my computer and began trying to think of how to use them in a mini-gift.

My best idea was some sort of four-sided Christmas ornament that could incorporate the images. The internet, for once, yielded nothing when I search on "photo cube ornament" and such like. So I went to Michael's in a last-ditch effort to find something appropriate.

Sure enough, I found the perfect thing! I sized the posters appropriately (they are about 3/4" x 3/4") and put them in the ornament ball, and voila:

Count the searching, and this project only took me an hour and a half or so. The actual project itself was done in like 20 minutes!

For such little effort I got a fab reaction from Manzi and Nate:

You may note here that graphic design is not exactly my forte, hence the liberal use of images created by others much more talented than me. Obviously most of the credit for these items goes to the actual artists, and I'm grateful to them for sharing their work on the internet.

Next time I will go more original, Blog, as I venture into an area that is more my expertise... Part 3: Polymer Clay Stuff!

Homemade Gifts Reveal Part 1: Needlecrafts

2010-12-27T18:46:00.000-06:00

Hey Blog, it was the best Christmas ever for our family in every way! A lot of the reason was that it was our first "Creative Christmas." Daughter Katie, with the backing of her sis Amanda, suggested this year we eschew lists and give each other total surprise gifts, things involving less expense and more creative thinking. As a crafty sort of person, I took that ball and ran with it! And the family members all did a super job on their gifts. I love everything I received! And I humbly report that my gifts were all huge hits. Yay!

So, I've been keeping the interwebs in suspense as to most of what I was up to the past months, and now I'm here to share with you all those secrets at last! I'm going to post three parts to this Big Reveal, starting today with needlecrafts. Two of my presents were sewn items, and here they are.

KATIE'S FELT CAMERA

You may recall some months ago when I made a new case for my little camera, ICU. When Katie saw it, she expressed the wish that she had a small camera (rather than her big SLR type) just so she could have such a case. Subsequently, she tracked down on Etsy some felt cameras that had been made by needlecraft artists that made her flip (and cost beaucoup bucks). How could I not take this as a hint?

So, I looked for a model of camera that had a simple boxy shape and a lot of doodads all over it, and found this Rolleiflex. It was perfect to reproduce (more or less accurately) in felt. The camera is about 3" tall and I reinterpreted all its lenses, dials, buttons and crank in felt and thread. All the little snippets were glued before sewing, which helped keep everything in place. The stitches used (for the embroiderers out there) were running, whip, and satin. I reinforced the strap with ribbon so it is sturdy and you can actually wear the camera. It's stuffed with polyester fiberfill with cardboard to support the shape.

And yes, embroidering the tiny letters on this thing was really a challenge.

So, here are views from all four sides. Just to be cute, I incorporated Katie's birthdate in the serial number on the back.

This little project took about 20 hours, including the original pattern making. I'll put it to you this way: I had a great time doing it, but I don't want to do another one real soon! LOL

And most certainly it was all worth it when I saw Katie's reaction on Christmas Eve:

(By the way, Blog, she had overheated from all the excitement even before this.)

DAVIE'S SIMON'S CAT

Davie and I are huge fans of Simon's Cat, the feline cartoon/video star of the interwebs. During the fall, I discovered that the website had a neat little gift shop and in December they planned to offer stuffed Simon's cats for sale. I bookmarked the page with the intention of getting one for Davie. However, I went to the site in December only to find that the stuffed cats were sold out! Bummer!

One evening Davie went to bed especially early and I had nothing to do (yeah, can you believe that?). I had a sudden brainstorm that why not use the three hours of time out of Davie's sight to make him a homemade Simon's Cat? Could I be blamed for copyright infringement when I really tried to buy one from the shop but couldn't? :-)

I designed one that I felt interpreted the 2D nature of a cartoon cat into a suitable 3D version (the one sold on the site was just a 2D image made into a pillow). It really seemed to work, and after I cut it out, sewed it, stuffed it, and highlighted the "pen lines" with Magic Marker, I decided it truly did! Here's the little guy:

And next to Cody, for scale:

In the insane flurry that was the holiday, we almost forgot to open the box with the cat in it! But he was the last present opened, and is now ensconced on a nice perch on Davie's computer desk.

In our next episode, I'll share Part 2: Graphics Stuff!

My Impossible Christmas List

2010-12-21T15:44:00.000-06:00

Blog, in these days of high tech toys and other luxuries, a person needs to pause and consider the more elusive things we all wish for come this holiday time. No, I'm not talking about world peace, an end to hunger and homelessness, or other such altruistic dreams...I'm far too self-centered for that. I'm talking about that list of dream gifts that each of us has, items that even Santa couldn't bring to us because they're more or less impossible to hope for.

So, because I'm self-centered enough to think our readers might care, here's my personal Impossible Christmas List for 2010:

1. That blue creature in the AT&T Windows phone commercials. He has beady eyes, tiny limbs, a fun mouth, and says "Wow-wow-wow. Wow." Neither does the Blue Guy exist in real life, there are no plush versions available for purchase. The best I can do is hope that the commercial remains available on YouTube forever so I can watch it occasionally to see my little pal. [Let's give a shout out to YouTube for existing, shall we?]

2. A class at Greendale Community College taught by Dr. Linus. Imagine the good version of that oh-so-conflicted character from "Lost," Ben Linus, standing at the white board of some classroom you could share with Jeff, Abed, and the crew from "Community." At some point Abed would observe in his adorable deadpan, "This is a cross-network mashup of comedy and drama, I wonder if we should be funny or inscrutable." I would say, "This is a cross-network fantasy incorporating two of my TV dream guys, I wonder if I should flirt with Abed or Dr. Linus." [I am grateful though to have lived in the time of "Lost" and that "Community" did not get cancelled after one season.]

3. Having said class be a course in my books called "Diana Laurence 101." Imagine Dr. Linus doing literary analysis on the stories in Soulful Sex: The Darker Side. Because that's one of my favorites and I wish romance readers everywhere had a copy. Dr. Linus would say, "Your assignment for tomorrow, class, is to read 'Kiss Me and Other Commands' and be prepared to talk about what you would do if you had Bix's powers." Neato, Blog. [Grateful though that I was able to write that book, because it was big fun.]

4. A giant treehouse. I love trees. I love houses. I love treehouses. You're up high and there are leaves right outside your windows. I know it's not impossible to live in a treehouse... someone lives in this one. But as we are not willing to move out of Magic House and have almost no yard, there will not be a treehouse in our future, Blog. [Fortunately, Magic House is the next best thing to a treehouse, I think.]

5. The NFL making a decision in the Brett Favre sexting case. Now this, apparently, really IS impossible, Blog. Still, I wish it could happen. [Thank heavens this happened with my arch-nemesis player rather than a hero... love ya, Guy Carbonneau!]

6. Lots and lots of cats. Sadly, there is a limit to the reasonable number of cats a person can own if she lives indoors and not outside on a 100 acre ranch or something. I would love it if we could alter the space/time continuum so that I could adopt every cat that I see that is cute in perpetuity. Eventually I would own thousands of cats. I would need to work 300-hour weeks to make enough to house and feed said cats, which is why this item is on the Impossible Christmas List.[Happily, I only have to work a little bit to feed Cody, Alice and Selke. And I'm not allergic to cats which would be the saddest thing ever, Blog.]

7. A food that tastes like chocolate covered potato chips but is the healthiest thing you can possibly eat. Or maybe like crullers. [Can I get a hell's-yeah for the invention of the cruller?]

8. Working pancreases for diabetics everywhere. See, I can get altruistic, Blog! As one myself, I know how awesome it would be to wake up tomorrow with my functioning pancreas back. [Nevertheless, Navie my continuous glucose monitor is the next best thing, so hooray for him...and I wish diabetics everywhere could have one too.]

9. The Swarovski crystal tiger only costing $34.95. I saw this tiger in Las Vegas and coveted it. It costs about $450. Now Blog, you may be thinking, "Why not just put the tiger on the list?" Well first of all, that's not impossible. It just costs $450. I don't want myself or anyone paying the amount that could get you a nice flat-screen TV for a crystal tiger. I want the beautiful tiger to only cost $34.95, and then I'd buy it myself. [Happily, it costs me less than $450 to sponsor our live tiger, Kahn, for a year, and that comes guilt-free.]

10. All my blog followers and Facebook friends from around the world at Magic House for a fantastic party with my fabulous family. Blog, it's incredible how many people I've met on the interwebs have become great friends of mine, and how much I depend upon their comradeship and support on a daily basis. It would be swell to crank the Neverending Ubiquitous Patio Party Playlist on my iPod, crack open the bounteous Magic House bar, and host the whole gang face-to-face.

However, I do have an iPod (new this year), a bounteous bar, all those fantastic friends, and that fabulous family. So even if I can't have the stuff on my Impossible Christmas List, I don't have a single complaint.

The most romantic date ever imagined

2010-12-14T12:10:00.000-06:00

Blog, if Christmas isn’t a time for romantic fantasies, I don’t know when is. Having a doozy sort of imagination, I came up with a doozy, which in the interest of holiday cheer I thought I’d share with our readers. Everyone has his or her own concept of the most romantic date ever, and I hope today’s post will inspire others to do their own Christmas dreaming a little early this year.

Of course a girl has to start with her current crush in the role of protagonist. Mine this year is Jack Hodgins from “Bones,” played by the inimitable T.J. Thyne. (I know he just married Angela on the show, but I’m married in actual real life, so what’s your point, Blog?) In order to pull off this dreamy holiday date, a guy would have to be unrealistically aware of feminine hopes and dreams, as well as loaded with a ton of disposable income. Neither T.J. nor Jack really qualify I imagine, but look...if I were going for plausibility here I would simply go out with the awesome Davie (my husband, that Davie).

Okay, let’s roll it...

Jack announces to me that he has planned the ideal Christmastime date, and it starts at the mall. Yes, the mall, don’t roll your eyes, Blog. He’s found a fantasy mall that is just about the most festive shopping scene you could imagine. Every shop in the place is decked out in holiday splendor, and there’s a fairy tale castle in the food court inhabited by the perfect Santa and the coolest elves. We’re holding hands and window shopping, when suddenly around us people start singing “Welcome Christmas” from “The Grinch.” You know, like one of those viral videos where regular people in the place turn out to be this fantastic choir incognito. It’s glorious! Jack and I sing along and grin at each other and I weep a few tears of joy.

Well, Jack tells me he has a little “private shopping” to do, and he drops me off at a salon. The beauticians have been prepped in advance to do a fabulous makeover on me, hair and nails and makeup, the whole bit. It’s a complete Fairy Godmother scene. I can’t imagine where I could go looking so fancy. Well, as they finish up with me, a couple of big packages are delivered to the salon, all wrapped up in spectacular paper and bows. One is this gorgeous ivory cashmere wrap, and the other is a gown with matching shoes. It’s mocha colored and glittery and shimmery and I love it. I put it on and model it for the salon folks, and just then who should show up but Jack.

He’s staring at me like a man possessed, and murmurs, “You look perfect.” I blush and feel like a million and a half dollars. I say, “You got me these presents, didn’t you?” He nods and says, “Yeah, and this one,” and holds out another package. I unwrap it, and it’s a necklace, bracelet and earrings with those chocolate diamonds and pearls that I’ve seen advertised on TV and know are too expensive for a sane person to buy. They are also perfect with the gown. Jack helps me put the jewelry on, and the salon staff all claps, and I’m speechless.

“Now,” says Jack, extricating himself from my crazed embrace, “you look so great you have to go somewhere.” He tells me there’s a limo waiting for me outside the mall, which will take me to our next destination, where he’ll be waiting for me. Stunned, I agree to follow his directions. Jack takes off with a look of glee on his face, and I say farewell to my friends in the salon and go out the back door to where a beautiful black limo is parked, sure enough.

The limo driver is that cool cabbie from “How I Met Your Mother,” and he’s super nice. He settles me in the back like a real footman, and off we go. We drive through the city streets and I admire all the Christmas lights and try to guess where we could possibly be going. He takes a bit of a scenic route but I don’t mind; the limo is playing Christmas music and I keep looking at my necklace and bracelet and wonder how it’s possible those gorgeous things are on my body.

Finally we pull up to this fabulous art deco building that has a big stairway leading up to the front entrance. It looks like an opera house or something equally elegant. The driver lets me out, and then I see Jack coming down the stairs towards me. He’s in a tuxedo and looks beyond dreamy. Which I tell him. He just smiles secretively and takes my hand, and we go up the stairs and into the building.

Inside there is a fabulous ballroom, decked out in Christmas trees and holly boughs and candlelight. A big band is playing “Christmas Waltz,” and the room is full of dancers in their finery. Jack and I dance, flying across the floor as if we’re on “Dancing with the Stars” or something. And so it goes, we dance and drink champagne and eat lovely little canapés and cookies, and stroll around admiring the decorations and enjoying the music, and dancing some more.

Then the band pauses, and Jack excuses himself with a sly look, and heads towards the stage. Next thing I know, he’s at the microphone saying, “I have a holiday dedication for a very special lady, so I hope you all won’t mind if I sing this next one.” The crowd looks excited and happy, the band strikes up “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” and Jack starts to sing.

His voice is amazing, and all the time he’s looking at me with this tender expression and that smile of his that just makes me crazy. I feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet. When he’s done the crowd goes crazy, and he comes back to me and kisses me in front of everyone.

Well, at this point, Blog, I figure I must simply have died and gone to heaven. But the night isn’t over yet. After a few more dances, a little more champagne, Jack asks if I’m ready for our next stop. I can’t believe there is a next stop. But he gets my wrap and puts it around my shoulders, and we go back outside where there’s another limo waiting, a white one this time.

We cuddle up inside and drink some hot cocoa, and take a long drive past more beautifully decorated buildings and shops and parks. At last we pull up to this fancy hotel, and the car comes to a stop.

So yes, we have a room at this fantastic hotel, a special, immense Christmas room that has a real tree in it all decorated, and a fireplace with a roaring fire, and little white lights all over the ceiling like stars. There’s another present sitting on the bed, and I open it to find a beautiful ivory satin negligee. Jack and I get ready for bed, and snuggle together, and I go off about what an incredible time it all was that I will never, ever forget. Jack tells me, “I know you won’t, I made sure about that...but that’s a surprise for morning.” I can’t imagine what he means, and I’m too exhausted to ponder it for long, and fall asleep in his arms.

The next morning room service brings us a fabulous breakfast, and set it out on the table in our room, with red and white roses and more champagne and wonderful coffee. We linger a long time over the meal, talking about the night before and how nuts we are for each other and other cheerful subjects. Then there’s a knock at the door and Jack returns with another wrapped gift. “Here’s what I promised you last night,” he says, and gives it to me.

When I open the package I find inside a beautiful scrapbook. Inside it’s full of unbelievably perfect photographs of everything that happened the previous day: the singing at the mall, my makeover, me in the gown opening the jewelry, Jack at the top of the ballroom stairs, us dancing, him singing with the band, everything. “I hired two professional photographers to stalk us,” says Jack, “and a graphic designer to stay up all night putting that book together.”

Well, isn’t that just the capper, Blog? What kind of guy would think of such an amazing idea? Well, a guy I dreamed up, I guess, Blog. Sigh. You know, if I could just borrow T.J. Thyne to do a fake photoshoot to create that scrapbook, that in and of itself would be super fantastic.

I love Christmastime romantic fantasies, don’t you? Anyone out there have a holiday date idea I left out? Want to tell me who you’d pick for your fantasy date? Anyway, I hope my doozy imagination inspired a few people to do some Christmas dreaming.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

2010-12-06T15:46:00.000-06:00

Blog, winter weather in Wisconsin is no great shakes, but we do have our days when it's pretty darn cool. Wow, I could have done some punning there. But actually, I'm here to share the photos I took December 5 when a perfectly sunny day followed after our first snowfall of the year. Walk with me through the winter wonderland that is Tuckaway.

This is the back of our house, which is actually the front of our house. You had to expect something curious to be the case at Magic House, didn't you?

This is the path that leads through Windemere Estates, our section of Tuckaway. We do our best to seem like a cozy Tudor village.

This is a cozy Tudor squirrel.

More Tudor loveliness.

Gimme those good, old-fashioned mature trees.

The neighbor's birdhouse was so cute with snow on the roof.

That's our house in view behind the sign. We love our huge evergreen trees.

This is the front of our house which is really the back of our house.

Alas, patio party days are suspended till May. But it's still pretty.

Wanted to show you how nice the snowflake gel clings look on a sunny day.

So Wisconsin winter was worthwhile, for these couple days at least. Hope you enjoyed sharing the Tudor-y, winter-y coziness, Blog!

A Chris-mouse Named "Hate"

2010-11-24T11:26:00.000-06:00

Golly wockles, Blog, where have I been the past two weeks? Well, in large part, working on my novel and crafting. It's a blizzard of crafting here at Magic House as I prepare gifts for all the family members...all of which will be revealed here on the blog post-holiday, Blog. But I can show you one gift, this here little Chris-mouse.

Davie spotted a similar mouse at Steins the other day for six bucks. I said, "Jeez, Davie, I could so make you one!" Davie said, "It's six bucks!" I said, "I'll make you an even better one!" Davie said, "Well...okay..."

As I live with Davie, it's not easy for me to make him surprise gifts, so I thought I'd have to go with this lame, non-surprise one. Fortunately, however, last Saturday night he went to bed SUPER early, that is, earlier even than his usual time, so I took the opportunity to make him a rather cool surprise gift after all. Hence I am able to show you this mouse and not even make a lame attempt to keep it sort of secret-y.

As I was making the mouse, it went through a stage when it seemed like it might not turn out as cool as the one in the store, at least to Davie, who can't fathom my ability to craft things successfully 95% of the time. He said, "The one in the store was only six bucks! I'm going to hate this one. In fact, I'm going to call him 'Hate.'" Now I know that seems alarming, but understand, Davie likes quirky names.

Of course, in the end, the mouse turned out like you see here. It's groovy, IMHO. It even has a weighted bottom so it won't tip over no matter how you pose its bendable belled tail. And, as I had all the supplies I used already on hand, we saved six bucks.

Meanwhile, I am using this mouse as my submission for this month's Creativity Invitation Challenge, which was "Red." I know it's a bit of a stretch, but I think this mouse explores the connotations of the color red. Red, combined with a small bell, makes this a Chris-mouse with a festive air (even though he has the name 'Hate'). Even when the red is combined with charcoal gray (Davie's pick), rather than white or green or gold or silver, it still seems Christmas-y.

So that, Blog, is my story, and I'm sticking to it. Mostly I was happy with this project because it demonstrated that I can usually back up the statement "I could totally make you one of those," as my family members will learn about a month from now. YAY!

Put yourself out there

2010-11-10T12:56:00.001-06:00

Blog, today I've got a nugget of advice to share with my blog followers who are aspiring artists of any kind. Yeah, it's those four words in the title of this post, and I'm living proof that if you put yourself out there as much as you can, something good always comes of it.

It's funny how life works. You can push, push, push, with no results: send out query letters, enter contests, buy advertising for your stuff, etc. and achieve nothing but a lot of rejections slips and flat website tracking on your Google Analytics charts. But then out of the blue, from some little thing you did so long ago you forgot about it, big fat results occur. In fact, it's likely you'll never even know what it was you did that brought those magical results!

Blog, let me illustrate with a few examples from my experience.

An Amazon bestseller

I started writing erotic romance fiction as Diana Laurence in 2004. My first published book was the ebook version of Soulful Sex: Erotic Tales of Fantasy and Romance. In 2004 I did an awful lot of things to try to promote my work, but nothing generated sales even close to one completely freakish fact: When you searched for "erotic romance" in Amazon's ebook store, my book showed up right at the top. I suppose that was due to the title, but I was never sure why. Consequently though, that book was in the top ten romance ebooks sold on Amazon for 18 months. (I like to think the fact that it was good and received an Eppie nomination--the Oscar of ebooks--helped, but to be honest, I don't know!)

A convention appearance

In 2005, when I was still just starting out writing romance, I got an email from the publisher of Romantic Times Book Review magazine, a very famous lady in the biz. She wanted to know if I would appear on a panel on erotic romance at the upcoming annual convention that the publication sponsors, the best-attended in the romance field. Trust me, Blog, among the names of those invited to appear at this con, I was absolutely an upstart. To this day I don't know what I had done to attract the woman's attention, except that back then I tried to promote my books in every way I could, including blogging and doing guest essays and columns. I may have given the impression I was more of an expert that was truly accurate.... But at any rate, appearing at the convention in Florida with those famous authors was quite a thrill.

Bad news becomes good

Also in 2005, my publisher went out of business, just as I was about to release the third volume of Soulful Sex stories. Was I bummed? You bet, Blog. But on the advice of my publisher I decided my best course of action was to start publishing my books myself, ebooks and print books and all. It was a lot of work at first, but all became worth it very fast. My profits were suddenly like five times more per book I sold, plus I had complete control of editing, production, promotion and sales. That bad news turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to my writing career.

A Google hit and handy coincidence

In 2007 when I released my novel Bloodchained, I encountered another fortuitous search engine situation. At that time, when you googled "vampire romance," my book came up on the first page. Why, I can't begin to guess. However, by sheer coincidence, it was right about then that another vampire romance, Twilight, maybe you've heard of it, was becoming a hit. So a whole lotta peeps were googling "vampire romance," Blog. For a time that book sold even faster than Soulful Sex had. I wish it still came up that high on Google....

One online essay, one sweet publishing deal

In 2009 I was contacted by a midsized independent publisher and invited to write a book for them on taming vampires. The editor had searched on that term to find an author to flesh out the idea she had for a new title. The search turned up an essay I had written years before for the Novelspot website. My treatment of the subject matter impressed her. I got the gig, and How to Catch and Keep a Vampire turned out to be the biggest book this publisher had ever tackled. I earned a nice big advance, the book sold in countries all over the world, and it even got picked up by Target stores. All because I wrote an essay and offered it for free to a website.

An email from China

This year I was contacted by a book agent in China about the translation and publishing rights for my Bloodchained books. I still have no idea why she picked me and my books as having appeal in the People's Republic, Blog. But I signed a contract and in no time flat she had found a publisher for both books. I was paid royalties up front on the full press run for the two titles, quite a wonderful sum, especially when I didn't have to do any additional work! And now I'll have my first titles translated into a foreign language...Chinese, of all things!

Just because I put myself out there, Blog.

internet phenomena and failed completely. I've sent countless article proposals to magazines without a nibble. I've won a few contests, but lost dozens.

It certainly seems that the harder I push, the fewer results follow...while when I'm just going along doing my regular writing thang, miracles drop from the sky. Well, one clarification there, Blog: I'm not saying laziness is the way. I'm saying that you just have to keep doing things, putting your art out there wherever and however you can, like sewing seeds. I've worked my butt off, in fact. However, what amuses me no end is how success comes when I least expect it, and from the most surprising sources.

Aspiring artists out there in Blogland, keep on keepin' on! Love what you're doing no matter what results you see, and someday something really amazing will happen to you. You just watch.

My gift: "Gift of Flesh"

2010-11-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

Blog, I haven't posted in what is sometimes referred to as "a coon's age." And you know how old coons can get. Anyway, I feel really guilty so I decided I needed to do something nice for our faithful readers.

Not everyone out there in Blogland (named, of course, after you, Blog) is aware, but I offer a number of my books for free via a little something called the LBR Press READ FREE Project. It's some of my erotic romance stories, a couple less racy romances, and my Star Wars romance novel. Yeah, you heard that right. It's not like I can charge for it without R2D2 and C3PO's lawyers coming after me. Anyhoo, they are offered free to be read online or downloaded in pdf and lit formats if you sign up.

However, the truly cool formats of today happen to be ePub (for nook, Kobo, Sony eReader, iPad, etc.) and Kindle. So, just to make it up to our readers, I've just today published my uber-popular erotic romance novella Gift of Flesh in ePub and Kindle and you can download them from those very links! (By the way, I discovered that in many cases a person downloaded the ePub version may find it arriving with a .zip extension. Don't unzip it...just change "zip" in the file name to "epub" and you'll have a dandy epub book.)

In Gift of Flesh, Miakaela, who was raised as a concubine, now finds herself chosen by the Monarch of her land as a Gift of Flesh for a neighboring king. Envoy Naissun is commanded by that king to bring her safely through the rough journey to his harem. Tormented by his conscience and a growing affection for Miakaela, Naissun struggles to find a moral and practical answer to this quandary. But of course, first they must make it through the trip alive... In a medieval fantasy setting, two complex characters are torn: should they choose pragmatism and duty, or rebellion?

Enticing, eh Blog? But wait...Blog, are you over 18? Because you need to be before you download this novella. That's something more than a coon's age, you know.

In the Library Reviews called Gift of Flesh "a riveting story with a thrilling conclusion." Ecataromance said it was "a superb gift." Fallen Angel Reviews called it "a story that will hold readers from the first word to the last."

And personally, I'm very fond of this story and of its two lovely protagonists. I hope there are plenty of people out there with ebook readers (or just install the nook reader or the Kindle reader on your computer or smartphone for free) who will accept my repentant offering and download Gift of Flesh. Meanwhile, you can also visit the LBR Press READ FREE Project to see the other free titles I offer there (online read, pdf or lit only).

And I promise not to let another coon's age pass before I post again, Blog! Or I may have to offer MORE free nook and Kindle stories! Not that there's anything wrong with that...

How to have a Secret Supper Club (small scale)

2010-10-23T14:41:00.000-05:00

Blog, boy did our family have big fun hosting our first Secret Supper Club. What's a Secret Supper Club, you ask? Well, technically it's like having a one-night, private restaurant in your home, where foodies gather to sample a single menu of culinary delights. They may be friends or friends of friends, but typically an SSC includes more like 25-50 diners. We went small scale for ours, including our family of four plus the awesome boyfriends. But what we lacked in size, we made up for in ambiance.

To get the ambiance of our SSC, you could start by launching this recording of Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly with Me." That'll give you the fun, jazzy, slightly elegant, 60's-style vibe we strove for at Magic House for the occasion. Hit it, Mr. Chairman!

Our first floor was decked out in classic autumnal/Halloween decorations, and I tweaked the lighting to go for a nightclub atmosphere. (It worked...Manzi commented, "It looks like Blu [hip downtown club] in here!") Manzi provided tunes from her old standards CD collection, so we enjoying the musical stylings of Dean Martin and Bobby Darin along with Frank. For your SSC, pick any era/theme that works for you and your guests! (I'd like to go for Big Band next time.)

Completely optional for your Secret Supper Club: cats.

We kept to the theme with the bar service, as I offered specialty drinks for the night chosen from AMC's "Mad Men," classic 60s drinks. Here's the menu:

And the bar prepped for business:

Theme-oriented clothing was an option for guests (I don't mean "clothing was optional," Blog...SSC is not that kind of a get-together). I wore a cocktail dress and Manzi went for a 60's mod look.

Katie looked sharp as always...

...and the guys (as guys will do) were more casual but still nice. For your SSC, you can leave the style vs. comfort option up to your guests too.

Our dining table comfortably seats six so that was the perfect number for our party. You may want to go with china and white linens for a more traditional supper club look, or seasonal like we did with our autumnal colors.

Of course first and foremost, Secret Supper Club is about great food. You don't have to, but we made our SSC pot luck style, because we have a lot of great cooks in our family. The execution and serving of the meal can be made more enjoyable (we confirmed) if (1) people prep as much in advance as possible, and (2) you serve by courses, which means not too many people in the kitchen at once. It's also nice to spread the meal out over the evening: ours took about three hours from start to finish.

Up first was Nate, who prepared the most delectable and unreal appetizer: tuna tostadas. He lightly seared some sushi-quality tuna, and served it sliced thin on corn tortilla pieces, topped with black bean and mango salsa, roasted red pepper sauce, and avocado vinagrette. Absolutely divine, Blog. We each enjoyed two or three pieces while enjoying our cocktails in the living room.

The next course, eaten at the table, was Katie's pumpkin bacon soup. She made this delectable, creamy concoction with the perfect combination of subtle autumnal seasonings, a little kick of cayenne, and the best bacon in Wisconsin, Nueske's.

Words cannot describe the deliciousness of this soup, Blog...I would love to have a bathtub full. Nevertheless, note that smaller servings are key to a Secret Supper Club that won't leave you gorged and logey!

The main course included: My salad (a copycat of the chop salad at Maggiano's, with bleu cheese, prosciutto, red onion, a nummy vinagrette, and homemade garlic croutons)....

...Manzi's brie orzo (creamy, rich, and scrumptious)....and a chicken stir fry with orange teriyaki flavors that was technically Chris's dish but prepared by Katie in the kitchen (so, so tasty with that sauce).

After a bit of clean up, we retired to the living room again for coffee and dessert, that being Davie's contribution of chocolate tiramisu. The tiramisu connaisseurs among us (myself included) thought it was the best version they had ever tasted. Davie used a recipe from Giada De Laurentiis, which we tweaked slightly, replacing the marsala with half creme de cacoa, half Starbucks coffee liqueur, and replacing the espresso with very strong coffee in the Highlander Grogg flavor from Berres Brothers. So, so, SO delish!

Add to the evening our hysterical conversation in response to Chris's prompt, "If you could put any musical act onto a plane that was going to crash, who would you choose?", and you have the picture of a perfect Secret Supper Club. Needless to say, we had some very opposing opinions of ABBA, Phil Collins, and the Eagles.

So, Blog, you may be wondering how, in essence, a Secret Supper Club differs from a dinner party. My answer: it's all in how you look at it! The whole point is to look at it as a very special occasion, and do a few little things to make it so. I'll tell you, the fact that four of the evening's dishes made our Favorite Foods Ever List (the appetizer, the soup, the orzo and the tiramisu) didn't hurt.

And what made it the most special was that special people made it and enjoyed it together!

Blog’s imaginary cupcake shoppe

2010-10-19T12:26:00.010-05:00

Today I’m letting Blog take over (always a risky proposition) to weigh in on the hottest topic in America today. No, it’s not the upcoming election, Obamacare, or even “Jersey Shore.” It’s cupcakes. What’s on your mind, Blog?

Well, Diana, it seems cupcakes are the new martinis. I mean, a few years ago everyone was obsessed with developing crazy new martini recipes, like the Scarlett O’Hara (vodka, Irish whisky, with dirt-rimmed glass and turnip slice garnish). But right now, the craze is definitely cupcakes. All you need is an oven, a cupcake pan, and your imagination, and you too can develop a menu of exotic cupcakes and open yourself a cupcake shoppe (and I hope you are pronouncing that “shoppee” in your mind when you read it).

I, Blog, would name my awesome shoppe “I’ll Cup Your Cake” or maybe “Cuppeecake-adelic.” It would have a sign shaped like a what? A cupcake! With sparkles. My spokesperson would be Elijah Wood. Why? Because I found this super excellent photo of Elijah Wood with a Cupcake:

Need I say more? And I would offer great cupcakes like these:

1. The Jalapeno Ranch. Cornbread cupcake with spicy bits of jalapeno, with fluffy Ranch dressing flavored buttercream frosting.

2. The Death by Chocolate. Dark chocolate cupcake with chocolate chips, bits of real Godiva 80% cacao chocolate, fudge pudding filling, chocolate buttercream drizzled with chocolate and dipped in chocolate sprinkles, with a chocolate chocolate chip truffle on top, topped with more drizzle and sprinkles, all tucked inside a bigger dark chocolate cupcake with chocolate chips, bits of real Godiva 80% cacao chocolate, fudge pudding filling, chocolate buttercream drizzled with chocolate and dipped in chocolate sprinkles, with a chocolate chocolate chip truffle on top, topped with more drizzle and sprinkles.

3. The Death by Vanilla. Vanilla cupcake with vanilla chips, vanilla pudding filling, vanilla buttercream drizzled dipped in vanilla sprinkles, with a vanilla truffle on top, topped with more sprinkles, all tucked inside a bigger vanilla cupcake with vanilla chips, vanilla pudding filling, vanilla buttercream drizzled dipped in vanilla sprinkles, with a vanilla truffle on top, topped with more sprinkles.

4. The Meat Lover’s. Meatloaf with gooey cheese filling, topped with garlic mashed potatoes and a meatball.

5. The Wapatuli. Captain Morgan’s rum cupcake with Hawaiian punch/Everclear flavored filling, and Malibu/Jack buttercream frosting.

6. The Lady Gaga. Electric pink cupcake piled very, very, VERY high with glitter frosting and topped with Beanie Babies.

7. The Thanksgiving (seasonal). Sourdough stuffing cupcake with gravy filling and bits of real turkey, with pumpkin cream icing, sprinkled with corn.

8. The Lost. Coconut cupcake with bits of Apollo bar, buttercream frosting flavored with MacCutcheon scotch, topped with a Dharma brand macaroon.

9. The Handyman. Oriented strand board cupcake topped with spray foam insulation.

10. The Wisconsin. Cheddar cheese flavored cupcake with bits of bratwurst, dipped in beer batter and deep fried, on a stick.
How could my cupcake shoppee possibly fail with treats like these on the menu? My mouth is watering just imagining it. Or would be if I weren’t merely a mouthless, non-corporeal, anthropomorphized being. Yum.

[<--P.S., you can get the actual awesome instructions to make an actual meaty meatlovers cupcake like this one here!]

Disliking your job? Well, you’re not alone

2010-10-15T09:32:00.000-05:00

Blog, I know you don’t dislike your job, because I’m such an awesome boss! LOL But seriously, folks, everywhere I go lately, I seem to be hearing people complaining about their jobs. Is job dissatisfaction more of an issue these days than usual? I think so.

Firstly I’d like to speak on behalf of my fellow American workers--yes, we do know that we enjoy good pay, benefits and working conditions by the standards of many countries on Planet Earth, and we don’t mean to ignore that fact. Still, I think we are right to be upset at some of the trends affecting the workforce in the U.S. of A.

What I’m hearing here is complaints about salary stagnation or cuts, benefits reductions, and an overall decline in rewards for our work. I’ve heard of companies that require long hours and increased workload of their employees, rather than adding staff or rehiring those who were let go. I’ve heard of businesses that hire temp-to-perm, only to keep staff at the temp level indefinitely to avoid having to pay them benefits.

My theory as to why this is happening is not rocket science: Used to be that when you felt ill-treated by an employer, you looked for a different, better job. I’ve done that myself a couple of times. After a couple of weeks or months, you nailed down the new position and handed your icky employer a resignation letter. With some smug self-satisfaction, I might add.

But not so in 2010. The unemployment situation being what it is, there are just not that many jobs. And those that exist, are offered at salaries below what used to be appropriate--and therefore below what you’re earning now, possibly even with that pay cut you took in 2009. The benefits are lower everywhere, the perks harder to find. And if you do risk temp-to-perm, you may go benefit-less for longer than you ever suspected.

In real estate, you call it a buyer’s market: devalued properties eager to be bought. In the world of employment, it’s an employer’s market. And it seems a lot of employers are taking advantage of it without the slightest shame.

Raise your hand if you’re ready to punch the next person who says “Be glad you have a job!” As much compassion as I’m sure we all feel for the unemployed, we can’t be expected to be happy about what’s happening to the employed. Suddenly it seems that employers have license to take as much advantage of workers as they want, since after all, we should all just be glad we have jobs.

What we see is an economy that really seems to be recovering. We see the companies we work for reporting sales comparable to and even above what they achieved in the boom days. We see economic indicators improving. And all we ask is if we could all be reset to the way it was before things took a dive...we don’t even expect to get back the raises and bonuses and cost-of-living adjustments we missed out on.

Unfortunately, by not doing that, employers can pad their bottom lines even more. (And dare I say, increase certain key salaries.) It’s looking like ethics and genuine human compassion are not motivational enough to many businesses, so they take advantage of the situation because they can.

Those who know me know I am totally a proponent of free-market capitalism. And those not so enamored of capitalism will tell me, “See, here’s what happens in this system you love so much! Bwahaha!” Yeah, I get that what’s going on is partly inherent in capitalism.

But you know what? There’s another principle that occurs in free-market capitalism: You get what you pay for. And if what I hear on the street is any indication, the employees’ response to

“Be glad you have a job”

“Okay, I’m only going to work hard enough to keep from being fired.”

What businesses get in return for their attitude is bad morale, which leads to lower productivity, mistakes, and eventually, a failing business.

American workers as a group generally have pride in their work performance, and what I see happening even now is people working harder, putting up with the situation, grinning and bearing it. But eventually even the most dedicated employees crack if they feel they are being consistently taken advantage of. Their new focus will be on determining just how little they have to care to keep their job, and they will strive for that benchmark instead of doing their all to help their companies succeed and thrive.

The recession was scary, and we all had to make sacrifices. But if the powerful expect to reap the benefits of recovery while their underlings continue to sacrifice, they will eventually get their comeuppance. Jobs are coming back, and American workers won’t forget which companies treated them fairly in the aftermath of the recession and which did not. In a free market, the good employees do find their way to the good employers, and they will do that again.

So that’s my little manifesto, Blog...wow, I felt like Che Guevara or something for a minute there! I want to close on a more positive note: To those employers who treated your employees well during this time when you could have gotten away with less (and you know who you are), thank you! Here’s to your huge success in 2011! And please send me your names, I have a lot of friends looking for new jobs. :-)

New clothes for I.C.U.

2010-10-04T13:20:00.000-05:00

Blog, during Davie's and my little trip to Madison last Friday, I lost the cloth case that has been my camera's protective clothing for the several years I've had him. Poor, naked little guy. So I had to come up with a new get-up for I.C.U. post haste.

What specifically to do was pretty much a no-brainer to someone who has a huge pile of felt and a huge box of buttons. Please don't think I was clever enough to come up with this idea myself. Many more have done so before me, as a search for "camera case" on Etsy.com will reveal. At any rate, I think it turned out pretty button.

The trickiest part of my sharing I.C.U.'s new outfit with you was the fact that, well, he can't take a photo of himself wearing it! Obviously! I had to call in 'Berry, my phone, to be substitute photographer. When I saw the pictures that 'Berry took, I realized how much better a papparazzo I.C.U. is. Well, what part of "Your camera will take better photos than your phone" is counterintuitive, Blog?

So the top photo in this post had to be I.C.U.'s picture of the case without him wearing it. Before you decide to post a comment about how 'Berry's pics are almost as good, please be informed that I had to photoshop the heck out of them to fix the colors, brightness, contrast, etc. So what you're seeing is actually a demonstration of my amazing Photoshop skills. Oh yes, I do rock. (Um, sorry.)

And really, should we be overly concerned about my phone's ego? After all, he's the one who can get to the Web almost anywhere, download my email, check in to Facebook, and play Bubble Chain. I.C.U. doesn't do anything but take pictures, so he damn well better do it well.

And now, thanks to my huge pile of felt and huge box of buttons, he can do it in clothes again. Well...actually...that's not true, as I just proved. But you know what I mean, Blog.

Blog interviews the word "awesome"

2010-10-03T09:25:00.000-05:00

It's high time I once again handed over the reigns to Blog for one of his awesome interviews. And today his awesome interview is with...wait for it...oh yeah, the title already told you, the word "awesome." Take it away, Blog!

Blog: We're really pleased you could take time from your busy schedule to join us today, Awesome.

Awesome: Glad I could fit you in, Blog. Did you know at any particular second on Planet Earth, an average of 9,207,450 people are employing me in conversation?

Blog: Doesn't surprise me a bit. I know how difficult it's going to be for me to get through this entire post without employing you myself, Awesome. Can you give us some reasons why you believe you've become so popular?

Awesome: I have a theory on that, Blog. I call it The Awesome Theory About Awesome, or TATAA.

Blog: Of course you do.

Awesome: "Awesome" is one of those rare adjectives that can be used in place of any number of positive descriptors. Those other descriptors would give the listener more specific information about the awesomeness of the thing being described, which would be good. But the speaker would have to employ his or her brain and take the time to actually choose the most appropriate adjective, which would be bad.

Blog: Not sure I'm clear on that, Awesome. Could you provide some examples?

Awesome: But of course. Help me out by substituting "awesome" for each more accurate adjective I use. This won't count against you in your effort to not use the word in this post, Blog.

Blog: Okay, good. Go ahead!

Awesome: "This monster cheeseburger with jalapenos is delicious."

Blog: "This monster cheeseburger with jalapenos is awesome!"

Awesome: "I think Brewster Rockit is a very clever, humorous and entertaining comic strip."

Blog: "I think Brewster Rockit is an awesome comic strip!"

Awesome: "Diana Laurence's books are original, creative, engaging and delightful."

Blog: "Diana Laurence's books are awesome!" Well gosh, Awesome, I see what you mean. It's almost like every other positive adjective in the English language could be eliminated if we all agreed just to use "awesome" for everything.

Awesome: Not only that, it's a multi-purpose exclamation of pleasure too! Let's try it, Blog. "You got the job? I'm so proud of you!"

Blog: "You got the job? Awesome!"

Awesome: "There's a rest stop at the next exit with bathrooms? Thank heavens, because I royally have to pee."

Blog: "There's a rest stop at the next exit with bathrooms? Awesome!"

Awesome: "Firefly is coming back to television? That's the best news I've had all month because that show was so original, interesting and fun and I really thought Simon Tam was hot."

Blog: "Firefly is coming back to television? Awesome!"

Awesome: I tell you, Blog, I'm like the Swiss army knife of words.

Blog: Meanwhile, you've appeared so much in the copy here that the word is starting to look weird to me. AH-WEE-SO-MEE...

Awesome: Uh...steady on, Blog.

Blog: Sorry. Anyway, tell me, Awesome...have there been any other words in history that can compare to you in ubiquitousness? Ubiquitosity?

Awesome: I think the closest thing is "cool." However, there are certain situations in which you can employ "awesome" but "cool" doesn't work.

Blog: As in?

Awesome: Well, like you can say "Thomas Jefferson was awesome at writing stuff like the Declaration of Independence," but not "T.J. was cool at writing stuff like the Declaration of Independence."

Blog: Yes, I see the subtle difference.

Awesome: You can say "This hot pad is too awesome" but not "This this hot pad is too cool."

Blog: How about "This cool pad is too hot?"

Awesome: Right. Meanwhile, other slang words that have been used as positive modifiers over the years are equally not as versatile. Like "fresh," "the bomb-diggity," "rockin'" and even "sweet."

Blog: Not to mention "the cat's pajamas."

Awesome: Good example. Like you can say, "That cat's pajamas are awesome," but not "That cat's pajamas are the cat's pajamas."

Blog: "That cool cat's pajamas are cool"? No way! "That cool cat's pajamas are awesome" is so much better!

Awesome: You know it, bro!

Blog: And if you checked into a fancy hotel and opened the door to your rooms, would you say "Hey, this suite is SWEET!"? If you bought yourself a fine aged cheese, sampled it, and found it delicious, would you say, "Wow, this aged cheddar is FRESH!"?

Awesome: Awesome suite, awesome cheddar, my friend!

Blog: Well, now I see why any minute of the day, 9,207,450 people are employing you in conversation.

Awesome: Not to mention the additional 3,707,825 people employing me on Facebook and in tweets.

Blog: I don't know what English-speaking peoples would do without you, Blog.

Awesome: They'd have to refamiliarize themselves with hundreds of words like grand, attractive, spectacular, inspiring, appealing, beautiful, skillful, exemplary....

Blog: Oh stop, stop, my head hurts. A person's vocabulary can only be so big.

Awesome: Exactly. And you're welcome. But now I must be off, I'm needed all over the English-speaking world! TA-TAA!

Blog: Ta-taa, Awesome. You've been really great.