The Toast-Powered Cat Levitation Device

Blog, we all know about the mind-blowing paradox of what would happen if you affixed a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and then dropped said cat. Because there are two immutable principles in the Universe:

1. A cat always lands on its feet.

2. Toast always lands buttered-side down.

I am not the first to theorize that were you to strap toast to a cat, the only possible result would be that it would remain suspended in the air. Now, what if you were to also contrive headgear for said cat that would allow it, via brainwaves, to control the direction of the contradictory cat/toast forces?

Well, you would undoubtedly get something like this:

Today I built an experimental scale model of the Toast-Powered Cat Levitation Device, including Toast Pack and Control Headgear. Don't tell me this isn't just awesome. In case you are too stunned to believe your own eyes, look again:

Sure enough, it IS real, Blog! In an artificial sort of way! And theoretical! No doubt you are dying to know how you too can make your own T-PCLD, because that is the natural human response to these photos. Never fear, I am here to provide complete directions.

1. The next time you throw away an old calculator, be sure to do as I did: take it apart and save the clear plastic circuitry sheet. Because you just never know, do you? Ditto the weird green bottle top, scraps of aluminum and brass, odd hardware doohickeys, leather lacing, and copper wire.

2. While it is possible to do this with real toast and a real cat, remember you are making a scale model and resist the temptation. Find a cat Beanie Baby and open a seam to remove the beans. (Q: What color are the beans in a Beanie Baby? A: Pearly white. Or as Davie would reply, "Magic.") Replace the beans with fiberfill stuffing, and resew the open seam. You may also want to replace the lame thread whiskers with nice springy ones made from Tiger Tail type beading wire, as I did. And take off the Ty tag, it will interfere with the brain waves.

3. Make a piece of buttered toast from polymer clay. This requires ivory and brown clay, textured with a toothbrush and needles, then painted toasty with brown eyeshadow. Make a nice melty butter pat of light yellow, and be sure to paint the pat with Future for shininess after baking your clay toast.

4. For the Toast Pack, curve the brass sheet around the cat's body. Determine the spot above the cat's body + equipment. Remove sheet from cat and drill a hole at the spot with your Dremel tool. Affix the circuitry sheet with a little Super Glue at the edges. Wrap with the aluminum strip. String colorless thread, doubled, or fishing line through the hole, and tie to a piece of bent wire inside the device. Secure wire and thread with clear packing tape. Mount toast to top of Toast Pack with Gorilla Glue.

5. For the Headgear, curl the wire with round pliers and bend into scientifically appropriate shape. Leave a long end to stick inside bottle top, threading also through weird hardware, which should fit snugly on the bottle top tip. Bend end of wire under head bracket to hold bracked in place against bottle top. Pack inside of bottle top with foil to secure wire in position. Run leather lacing through holes in head bracket, pulling tight to hold bracket snugly against wire and bottle top.

6. Slip the cat, hind legs first, into the Toast Pack. Put Headgear on the cat's head and tie leather lacing to secure. Tie the other end of the colorless thread or fishing line to a strong magnet. Now you can hang the cat from iron or steel objects, or use a large steel washer and pinch a flat mounting object between magnet and washer. It's portable! Of course!

Then let your cat fly and watch the amazing results. Birds beware! Dog, pooh on you! Firemen, no need for those tree rescues! NASA, eat your heart out! Okay, so that was hyperbole.

Blog, don't you love science? It's so exciting.

15-year-old you and your celebrity crush (and a contest)

Blog, you’re not 15 years old yet, but a lot of us passed that milestone awhile ago. And it’s to those folks that I pose the non-musical question, who was your celebrity crush when you were 15? Post your answer in the comments and you might be glad you did. But more on that a little later.

There are a couple of reasons why I choose the age of 15. One is the fact that 15 is in that interesting transitional period between childhood and adulthood. Most people have passed puberty, but not by much, so are still confused and overpowered by their new desires and attractions. Many people still cling, at least on some level, to childhood beliefs like knights in shining armor, magical princesses, and wishes coming true. There’s nothing like a celebrity crush when you’re 15. That rock star, athlete, or TV actor can make a mighty big impact.

My second reason is that Maria Grandinetti was 15 when she fell for Captain Eternity. She and her friend Sue were having a sleepover for the occasion of Maria’s 15th birthday, way back on June 22, 1974, when they discovered a late-night science fiction movie show on a local Milwaukee TV channel (remember UHF?). Said show was hosted by one handsome, sexy, mysterious space alien character who called himself Captain Eternity.

The cancellation of the show in the fall of that year did not deter Maria, like many teenagers, from clinging to her devotion to the Captain. He captured her imagination in a way that she never got over, not even 16 years later when the opportunity arose to track down the actor who played the role. Since this story is a novel I wrote, Maria was successful in the attempt. And the man she found was just as compelling, enigmatic, and attractive as Captain Eternity was.

Okay, now back to 15-year-old you and your celebrity crush. (“You” meaning our readers, Blog, not you, who sadly are not yet 15.) Picture yourself having the opportunity today to get to know that person, even have a relationship with him or her. Opens a whole weird can of worms, doesn’t it? The other day I read that a women who crushed on Eddie Munster back in the 60s (of “The Munsters” sit com) actually finally met him and they are currently dating. And taking it slowly, as any wise person would, and indeed, as Maria Grandinetti also knows she must. How exactly would you deal with the real person behind your imagined beloved hero or heroine? How can you really integrate fantasy into reality in such a dramatic way? And wouldn’t it be scary and fun?

Well, it is scary and fun when it happens in The Resurrection of Captain Eternity. I wrote this book circa 1990, which is when it takes place (Maria is a reference librarian in the days before the internet brought us all the info we can google). I published it in 1998 when the publisher slated to do so went out of business before it could be released, and I first opened my little publishing house, Living Beyond Reality Press. Being then too poor to pay for ISBN numbers, till now I have not been able to sell the paperbacks anywhere but through LBR Press.

But happily, I just published the novel in ebook form at long last! (It was a bit tricky utilizing files from 1990.) It’s available in pdf, epub and mobi formats, from LBR Press as well as Barnes & Noble’s nook store, Amazon’s Kindle store, and coming soon to Border’s ebook store. Woo hoo! In celebration of this spreading of Captain Eternity fever, for every ten people who tell me their celebrity crush from when they were 15, I will give away one copy of the book in a drawing. Your choice of formats, even the good old paperback one of which I still have plenty of stock!

It may be 20 years old, Blog, but I just reread the book and it is still utterly relevant to the experience of celebrity adulation and how we deal with it. Every generation has its Elvis Presley, Leif Garrett, Corey Haim, Jared Leto, or Rob Pattinson. And most of us have experienced that exquisitely painful longing for the unattainable idol. The dream that attaining him or her just might be possible is one we’ve all harbored. And what if it was?

What if, indeed, Blog?

So post away, readers, no later than midnight, Tuesday, August 31. I’ll contact the winners on September 1.  And if all else fails, the paperback’ll cost ya a mere $5.95 plus Media Mail postage, while the ebook is only $3.95! (See what a cheapskate I am with my contest prizes?) All you need to know to buy a copy is on the Captain Eternity page of my website.

Oh, and my celebrity crushes back in 1971? David Cassidy, Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka (wow)...

and Malcolm MacDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” even though I was too young to see the movie. (He’s kinda dreamy to this day....)

Ah, fifteen....

Five things I’m really glad I got to do

You know, Blog, sometimes it’s fun to look back on your life and be happy about some of the very cool things you’ve gotten to do. The other day I posted about getting to spend time talking with my idolized celebrity crush, Guy Carbonneau. But I don’t necessarily mean those kind of amazing occurrences--just things that you’re happy you experienced. Just like you, Blog, are grateful you were there the day I decided to start writing a new, more random blog. Well, I’ve come up with a few of examples from my life to share with you:

Watching the premiere of the original “Star Trek.” Yes, I was there at 7:30 on Thursday night, September 8, 1966, glued to Channel 4 and thrilled beyond belief that the show I’d been awaiting for weeks was finally starting. I was ten years old. That first episode, “The Man Trap” (the one with the salt monster) was the scariest of the entire series to me, but I loved it anyway. A couple hours later I was in bed, pretending I was a member of the Enterprise crew. Little did I suspect (especially when my heart was broken by the show’s cancellation) that it would still be a phenomenon 44 years later.

Learning to make my own clothes. As an early teen, I took sewing lessons at Sears (and still have the same ancient machine, a 1960s Kenmore). The first dress I made was purple with a red scarf with a purple pocket with a red button. Yes, a pocket on the scarf. The 60s were a very funky time. I made my junior prom dress during the freak blizzard of April 1973, and here you see me with Bob my date. Have prom dress styles changed or what? They take a lot less fabric these days. Anyway, it is no longer cost-effective to make one’s own clothes but is a most excellent skill to have if you like making costumes. Which I do.

Making a hot air balloon with my family. This photo shows my dad (squatting down) and my mom (in red) circa 1970, launching our hot air balloon. We ordered the kit from the Edmund Scientific catalog. I pitched in with gluing the immense paper pieces along their many seams. As you can see, people of all ages came from all over the neighborhood to help and watch. We sent our balloon up a total of 13 times. The 13th launch landed irretrievably in a tree, ill-fated just like Apollo 13.

Being a part of the folk movement. When I was in grade school I loved the New Christy Minstrels and the Seekers. Kind of liked the Kingston Trio, too, and in college was obsessed with Peter, Paul & Mary.  (So yes, I adored the movie “A Mighty Wind”--it was spot on.) Every summer during our week at camp, my friends and I constantly sang folk songs and if you could hear the tapes of us, you’d be amazed at how good we were. I was also fortunate enough to belong to a campus church (Calvary Lutheran Chapel at U.W. Madison) during the heyday of Christian folk music. So I was in the Allelu Singers, and I even took part in the creation and performance of a folksy musical review called “A Treeful of Owls.” Being good Lutherans, we ended the first act with a drinking song and served beer during intermission. It was a very cool cultural phenomenon to experience firsthand.

Seeing that Davie got exactly the wedding he wanted. My (second) husband Davie, whom I met in 1992 and married in 1994, did not have a very successful romance life before he met me. In fact, he was wondering if he’d ever find Ms. Right. In spite of his doubts, he still had a wish list for his wedding. Along with a willing bride, he wanted (1) the song “Walk Forever by My Side” by the Alarm in the wedding service; (2) pizza at the reception; and (3) music by Milwaukee entertainment icon Pat McCurdy. Turned out (1) I loved “Walk Forever by My Side” when he played it for me, and a friend of mine sang it in the ceremony; (2) we had our reception at an Italian place called Salvatore’s II and served pizza, mozzarella sticks, wings, and other treats; (3) Pat McCurdy and his band played three sets and I even got to duet with Pat. Here’s one of the songs he did that night, which was a theme song of mine...

Today is Davie’s 49th birthday and I’m still his disaster girl! Happy birthday, awesome Davie!