The Magnificent Seven aka my all-male fantasy team

Blog, fans of my books know that I get a lot of inspiration from my celebrity crushes. I've also written elsewhere that oftentimes my fantasies feature a couple of guys vying for my attention (hey, if it can happen to Bella and Katniss, it can happen to me).

Well, nothing succeeds like excess, so I said to myself, "Why stop at two guys? Really, is there a limit to the number of attractive men you'd want vying for your attention?" Actually, Blog, there is: and the number is seven. More than that and a girl just can't keep track.

So, I put together my team of truly awesome celebrity crushes, all of whom have at various times been the stars of my daydreams, and voila...The Magnificent Seven. You may think of them as a Leverage-esque team (referring to the TNT show) that provides the various and sundry talents necessary for my complete range of romantic/adventurous scenarios. Or you may think of them in Jungian terms (referring to the developer of psychoanalytic theory), as various manifestation of my animus. Either way, they make a stunning group.

Let me introduce the Magnificent Seven:

The Mastermind: Sherlock Holmes (aka Benedict Cumberbatch of the BBC/Masterpiece show "Sherlock").

My most recent crush is on this enigmatic, charismatic genius, portrayed in the updated version as an expert in technology (i.e., really good at using a cell phone). As a British interpretation of the same literary character who inspired America's Dr. House, he is self-absorbed, egotistical, and manipulative, only with much more charm and refinement.

This is the kind of personality that (1) captivates you with his brilliance, and (2) makes a woman dream of taming him and improving his character. Blog, in my fantasy plots look for him to solve mysteries, attempt to hide his undying devotion to me, and run the operation by sheer egotism.

The Healer: Dr. James Wilson (aka Robert Sean Leonard, late of the show "House").

Wilson, who was the Dr. Watson-style sidekick to House, was the member of the team with heart and conscience. As a particularly nurturant character, he's long been the one I turned to in my fantasies when I needed comfort or relief. He's definitely a representative of the Knight in Shining Armor archetype, and every pantheon of dream men needs one of those.

Expect, Blog, that I run to Wilson when hurt, confused, or irritated at one of the other guys. I can endure the sexy capriciousness of Sherlock as long as I have Wilson to turn to.

The Science Geek: Jack Hodgins (aka T.J. Thyne, from the show "Bones").

Hodgins has been in my stable of fantasy men for awhile now--I just can't resist a guy who's good in the lab, particularly if he's funny and has curly hair. Perhaps he's more adorable than sexy, but adorable goes a long way. Hodgins is super smart but also a tenderhearted, nice guy.

Blog, watch for Hodgins to explain some of the universe's mysteries, provide comic relief, and be a true friend when I need a more lighthearted shoulder to cry on than Wilson's.

The Computer Geek: Harold Finch (aka Michael Emerson, from the show "Person of Interest").

Michael Emerson invaded my brain and heart while playing the role of Ben Linus on "Lost." While this newer character is not quite so powerful (largely because he's a good genius rather than an evil one), Michael is always captivating in any role. On "P of I" he acts almost as God, overseeing the entire population of New York City and intervening to protect the innocent from harm. That kind of stuff is great archetypal fodder for sure.

Mr. Finch will be serving a dual role as both introverted genius and guardian angel. He has the cred to be Mastermind himself were he not so private, so expect him to butt heads with Sherlock more than once.

The Musician: Christian (aka Christian Borle, Broadway star and Tom on the show "Smash").

In this case I'm having to invent a bit of a new character rather than just going with composer Tom Levitt, for the simple reason that Tom is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I kind of need my romantic fantasy guys to like girls, that is, me. Plus it happens that Christian himself is a straight guy. Anyway, as a Broadway fan I just have to have a team member who can sing, act, play the piano, etc. To top it off, Christian is cute, sweet and funny.

Besides providing entertainment, Christian's role will be reminiscent of Tom's (and likewise that of Emmett, the romantic lead he played in "Legally Blonde"): he'll be a great counselor. I envision him providing tremendous support in a crisis as well as insightful day-to-day advice.

The Bodyguard: Eliot Spencer (aka Christian Kane, from the show "Leverage").

Yes, Blog, I stole him from the Leverage team. I find Eliot an absolutely marvelous character, because he may be the brawn of the operation (read: 99% invincible in a fight), but he's also really intelligent, sensitive, a little mysterious, and absolutely hilarious. He's got a spine of iron and is practically fearless, which I find extremely inspirational. But you can also count on him to take a stand for right, with strong but quiet determination.

Look for Eliot to be humorously annoyed by Sherlock but make friendships with the other low-key heroes: Wilson and Mr. Finch.

The Gentleman: Matthew Crawley (aka Dan Stevens, from the show "Downton Abbey").

Why does a woman need Matthew on the team? Other than the blue eyes, boyish good looks, and great accent? For pretty much the same reason why chicks always dig aristocratic British men from other periods (see also Mr. Darcy). Seriously though, Blog...Matthew is another white knight type who Does the Right Thing, albeit a flawed one. He's also a shining example of good manners and fine vocabulary. Any drama a person invents could use some of those elements, true?

Matthew will be cutting quite the romantic figure, I'm sure. And while he won't always agree with Sherlock's approach, they will share some aspects of British heritage and attitude, which is bound to create some fun.

Go team.

So, I've already "shot"--that is, imagined--the first two episodes of "The Magnificent Seven." in Ep 1:01, the boys arrived at my house, eyed each other with curiosity, and let Eliot tend bar (which I appreciated a lot because it left me free to ogle). In Ep. 1:02, Sherlock pronounced himself in charge and proceeded to look at each man and predict the role they would play in my life going forward. Believe you me, Blog, that inspired some priceless dialogue.

[Sidebar: I can do spot-on impersonations of voices in my imagination. I'm wondering if this is a common ability or if I'm weird in that way? Readers?]

I think one more solid episode like the first two, and the "network" will be ordering a full season.  

Our tiger, Kahn

Blog, we just received in the mail the papers making our adoption of Kahn official, so I can finally share with our readers about the newest member of our family, this awesome seven-year-old Siberian tiger.

No, he hasn't moved in to Magic House to live side by side with Cody, Alice and Selke.  He's going to remain in his happy home at the Wisconsin Big Cat Rescue and Educational Center in Rock Springs, Wisconsin, about 20 minutes west of the Dells.  But we will be one of the families that contribute monthly to his feeding and upkeep.

Back story:  After our Vegas trip in January, I was thinking about the animals who are protected by Siegfried and Roy at the Mirage's Secret Garden, and their other conservation efforts.  I wondered if there might be a big cats shelter closer to the Midwest where Davie and I might visit sometime.  I was amazed to discover one practically in our backyard, a mere couple of hours away.

These are all photos of Kahn, and the one below I took myself the day we visited.  It was very hot and humid, and the cats were mostly snoozing...but most slept in easy view of visitors and checked us out drowsily. The rest of the photos in this post are mine, too...the less crisp ones taken with my phone camera when ICU's battery died at the worst possible time!

Wisconsin Big Cat Rescue was begun in 2005 by Jeff Kozlowski and Jenny Meyer, two experienced cat handlers who decided to create a habitat for homeless and abused felines of unusual size.  They have USDA licensing and 501(c)3 non-profit status.  Land was donated to them, and in less than a year they had 26 cats living in sturdy, spacious enclosures, outfitted for all their needs.  These animals are tended lovingly, nursed when sick or hurt, and not exposed to the stresses and abuse so many of them experienced in their former lives.

The Rescue takes in cats from private owners, backyard breeders, animal brokers, zoos and circuses.  In all cases the animals were abused or no longer wanted.  The shelter has conducted some very large animal rescue operations.  They saved 11 cats from a backyard breeder in Flat Rock, Indiana, and recently rescued many animals from an illegal circus in Marion County, Texas.

Sometimes Jeff and Jenny find new homes for their residents, like when they placed Tom III with the University of Memphis to serve as the school's mascot (a tiger, natch).  Click here to see a slideshow of Tom III, and beware, the cuteness is extreme!

Most of the rescued animals stay on with Jeff and Jenny.  They receive no government funding and rely on sponsors, volunteers, and contributors to provide for their large furry family.  Donations come not only in cash but in machines for the compound, vet supplies, and meat.  Different levels of sponsorship are available and entitle you to free visits to the Rescue (normally adults are $9, children 6-12 are $6 and 5 and under free) and photos of your adoptee.

Why did we choose Kahn?  I just love tigers and he is a remarkably beautiful animal.  When we told Jenny of our choice, she smiled and said Kahn is her favorite of all the cats.  He was their first rescue, saved from an Illinois zoo that no longer had room for him.  Jenny told us how she and Jeff were a bit misinformed about Kahn's size when they went to pick him up.  Since he couldn't fit in the cat carrier they had brought, Jenny sat in the back seat of the pickup truck next to Kahn for the long ride home.  She played with him a bit during his early days at the Rescue, but quickly he proved simply too large for that--one time he sat on her and all she could do was wait till he decided to get up!

Kahn, being a Siberian tiger, loves the snow, so he's happy as a clam living in Wisconsin.  In fact, all the cats enjoy the snow.  Their coats get thicker, and Jeff and Jenny provide them with extra straw for nesting, so they are comfortable even during the Midwest winter.

Blog, I hope our cat loving friends donating to Wisconsin Big Cat Rescue.  You can see photos on the website of all of Kahn's pals, like Beemer the Atlas Lion, Dozer the Black Leopard, Sierra the Spotted Leopard, and Raja the White Bengal Tiger.  And by the way, they have a new program that for anyone who provides full sponsorship for a cat for a year ($5,000) they will install a camera so you can watch your sponsoree over the Web anytime!  (Don't worry, Blog, there are levels of sponsorship for any budget, and one-time donations of any size make a difference for these sweet felines.)

And Wisconsin readers, next time you're up at the Dells during the non-winter months, pay the Rescue a visit.  They're open whenever it's not above 90 degrees or raining, and it's absolutely wonderful seeing these magnificent cats all in one place.  And say hi to Kahn for us!

Bonus!  I actually found a really adorable video taken by a visitor to the Rescue.  It's just like being there!

Random stuff on my daughter’s Mac

Well, Blog, we invited people to check out their work computers for random stuff like the photo of the Ecuadorian Banana Puree Barrel that can be found on mine. I’m happy to report that Randometer is in for the experience of his life: daughter Katie is sharing with us a few “highlights” of what she has on her Mac at work.

England Dan and John Ford Coley’s timeless song “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight” is celebrated in this first item. How the phrase “movin’ in” became “my linens,” only Randometer can begin to guess. But do note the classic Katie Nelson style in the design of the linens logo.

As you well know, Blog, there’s nothing that can’t be improved by the addition of a llama, particularly if said llama is named Tina. You don’t have to be a Napoleon Dynamite fan to enjoy the signage below. Tina, drink your latte!

I am told the next image had something to do with Snopes, the website that helps us all differentiate reality from hoax. Someone has been caught red-handed photoshopping in a mountain lion (or cougar). Shame, shame.

How thrilled was I to be reminded of “Saladfingers,” one of the weirdest internet video crazes ever? If you are not familiar with this rusty spoon aficionado of the interwebs, I’m providing the video here as well. Needless to say, Randometer flips over Saladfingers. “Hello, young child.”

Meanwhile, in Randometer’s world, no computer hard drive is complete without the obligatory photo of the Arby’s Oven Mitt Mascot. You can’t argue with that.

Blog, anyone who’s surfed the web has run into these annoying banner ads. However, the ad’s charm gets a huge boost when Katie photoshops the head of my nephew-cat Floyd onto that long body. Floyd is sometimes referred to as “Fat Dog,” and this image really captures the essence of that.

Lastly I must close with something so very random I cannot even begin to guess what stressed-out, freaked-out mood at Katie’s office served as the maelstrom that gave it birth. All I know is it is called “Chimeric Showbiz.”

Draw your own conclusions, Blog. At any rate, this menagerie of haphazard glory has possibly broken Randometer, who seems to be flailing and twitching as if in the grip of a seizure of joy. Thank you, Katie! Anyone else want to treat us to the random stuff on your work computer? Just comment and we’ll hook you up!

Now, an Exciting Teaser Just Like on TV

Hey, you know what? Blog and I are coming up on our 50th episode already! Looks like it will occur April 21 or thereabouts, and to observe this milestone, Blog will be interviewing someone absolutely huge. Bigger than Oprah, bigger than Jon and Kate with or without their Eight, bigger even than someone whose every breath is reported on by the media like Tiger Woods! Holy cats, who will it be? Well, we’ll be giving you some hints up until the big event, so be sure not to miss a day.

Today’s hint: our guest knows more than you, me, Blog and Stephen Hawking all put together. Oh the Lost-like suspense!

UPDATE:  Per Katie’s comment below, we must give credit to her friend Nicole for the linens logo.  Well done, Nicole!  And I must say, I got a good guffaw out of Nicole’s other re-envisioned lyric, “Precious and few are the moments we toucans share.”  Precious indeed!

Does it mean I’m a cougar if...?

Blog, I know as a disembodied anthropomorphized being, you are not going to get this, especially as an admittedly “asexual one with a masculine vibe.” So it might be a good time for you to go play outside, or at least apply “earmuffs.”

Female readers of a certain age, I’m sure you too have struggled with trying to determine what sorts of behaviors are age-appropriate for you. My friend Rebecca raised the issue recently on Facebook, when she expressed her love of shopping for tops at Charlotte Russe. Said the hilarious Rebecca, “Whenever I walk in there, I always feel a little shy and I wonder if the sales girls are looking at me and thinking ‘you old cougar, go get your hot pants somewhere else.’”

Boy do I get that. This past weekend I shopped at Kohls, and I like to look in every single department except Maternity and Womens. Believe me, I recognize that most of what there is in Juniors is not the kind of thing I can get away with at 53. Nevertheless, I still find clothes there, all the while thinking the 16-year-olds around me are staring and thinking something like “LMAO here, old cougar...wanna try on this mini-skirt over here?”

My big hang-up lately has been leggings. The last time they came into fashion, in the early 90s, I had a bunch of them. Twenty years later I have been cursing the fact that so many of the hip outfits in the Sunday circulars incorporate leggings. Well, on a whim I tried on a pair of black Vera Wang leggings because they were sort of “boot cut,” with non-skin-tight ankles and little zippers at the ankle. I thought perhaps I would not look utterly ridiculous in them.

Fortunately, at that moment my 27-year-old daughter Manzi called “Momzi?” from behind the curtain of the dressing room. Just in time. I was not going to buy leggings without some confirmation. She liked me in them, and Manzi is something of a fashion arbiter in my world and pretty much the most stylin’ person I know. As in accessories like high-heeled boots, scarves and fedoras. Well, you get the picture from her picture here.

What the hey, Vera Wang is 57 and she wears leggings! So I will try not to feel like a cougar in my leggings. I’m hoping it helps that I’m not wearing them in an effort to attract any 20-something guys. Because really, I’m not.

Nevertheless, I’ll admit to you that I was a cougar back in my more cougarly-aged days. Like when I was single and 36 I had a little affair with a 19-year-old. Really, I did! And one time when I was 45 and out with a 29-year-old guy friend, a parking attendant referred to him as my husband. But I am no Jaclyn Smith and had to get real eventually--believe me, nowadays even a long-in-the-tooth pool boy would utterly ignore me. Now I just rejoice when I crush on a guy who isn’t at least ten years younger than me (like some of the “mature men” in this old blog post of mine.

At least I eschew the high school age characters on “Glee” for their director/teacher Mr. Schue. Even so, Matthew Morrison (who plays him) is 31 and that is definitely a cub to a 53-year-old. But listen, people: he’s hot, he sings, and he dances! Doesn’t that earn me some sort of special dispensation here?

I think a person should also get a break if the man in question plays a vampire, like Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgård on “True Blood.” These guys may look young, but their maturity level actually way exceeds 53 years, right? (And it’s not as if I want them because they look that way! Chah, uh-huh.)

So, I asked my friend Rebecca, who at her young age and appearance fears she’s a cougar, what does that make me? She suggested “a den mother,” and I like that. So, here I am, the den mother advising you cougars out there:

Q: Are you a cougar if you shop at clothes stores focused on teens and 20-somethings?

A: Hells to the no. What clothes stores don’t focus on teens and 20-somethings? If you look good and feel good in it, wear it. (And if you need confirmation from Manzi, email me a photo, LOL.)

Q: Are you a cougar if you’re attracted to men three decades your junior?

A: No, it’s just proof that you’re still alive.

Q: Are you a cougar if you’re currently having a wild fling with a man young enough to be your son, off with him on some Caribbean cruise, staying up till all hours dancing and indulging in PDA in front of women half your age?

A: Yes, and you’re my heroine.