Charlie Sheen vs. me, on being a 'rock star'

Blog, I'm right now picturing the interesting discussion that might ensue, were I and Charlie Sheen to appear as a two-person panel of experts providing advice on "how to become a 'rock star.'" Obviously Charlie's been pretty successful at the Celebrity Thang--getting headlines, attracting admirers, and so on. I, on the other hand, not so much. Still, allow me the presumption of placing myself on this panel and putting my ideas up against Charlie's. Okay, Blog, you can be moderator. Give us a question and let's see where this goes.

Blog: Right. Well, let's start by asking for your definition of 'rock star' for the purposes of this discussion. Charlie?

Fictitious Voice of Mr. Sheen Created by the Author: Obviously that would be me, Blog--duh!

Blog: Sure, okay. Diana?

Diana:  To me, a 'rock star' person is someone that others are drawn to, admire, and/or emulate. You want to be around that person, and it makes you happy to watch them, be in their presence. They seem larger than life, and stand out from the crowd.

Blog: Certainly true of my favorite 'rock star,' the Internet Movie Database. Okay, so what does it take to become this rock star?

FVOMSCBTA aka Charlie: Besides being Charlie Sheen? Nothing.

Blog: Adonis DNA?

FVOMSCBTA: Only if you're not already Charlie Sheen, moron.

Blog: Uh-huh. Diana?

Diana: Charlie's right that it helps to have self-confidence. But I'd like to suggest that you don't even need too much of that if you simply focus on the other person/people instead of yourself. Even an outrageously self-confident person such as Lady Gaga succeeds just as much by putting effort into making her fans feel important to her and valuable.

Blog: So a shy, introverted person can possibly be a rock star too?

Diana: Sure! My advice to shy people (and I'm kind of shy myself) is forget how you're looking, acting, talking, and get inside your audience. How is he/she/they feeling? Needing a sympathetic ear? Wanting to share something they feel is exciting? Looking for encouragement, answers, a laugh? Forget yourself and be what they need, and you'll find you're a bit of a rock star in their eyes, no matter what.

FVOMSCBTA: That's not winning!

Diana: Ah, but it is! Maybe not right at that moment, but someday your audience will treat you like a rock star, because you cared.

FVOMSCBTA: Aw come on, most of those motherf-ers will be users.

Diana: There's a few users in every crowd, Fake Voice of Charlie, but you'll figure out who they are and who truly feels grateful for kindnesses shown to them. There are always enough of the latter type to make it worthwhile and spread good stuff like ripples into the populace. Oh, and Blog, another tip....

Blog: Yuh-huh?

Diana: Be the best you can be. I mean, share your talents whatever they may be. My Davie, for example, is a Cleaning Rock Star, and he makes my life and the lives of many others easier. Do your job well and conscientiously...even if it seems you're under-appreciated. Rock stars perform well even for bad audiences, and even then someone always notices. Don't hide what you have to offer: sell it and give it away, both, whenever you can.

Fake Charlie Voice: Under-appreciated...that's this rock star all right. There's not enough money in the world to appreciate me properly, dudes. How do you put a price on being the funniest guy to walk the earth?

Diana: Mr. Artificially-Sheen is right in a way (well, just a small way). Never underestimate the power of being funny. Humor is a great gift that costs you nothing and everyone is happy to receive it. You might not have a towering wit...but you can tell a joke occasionally. Maybe you suck at telling jokes...but you can tease in a nice, friendly way. Maybe you're not good at teasing...but you can smile. And anyone can laugh at the humor of others, which is something those others will just love.

Blog: Is there one element you'd consider the most key part about pursuing the status of rock star?

Pseudo-Charlie: Pray to be my clone.

Diana: I have to say, take a genuine interest in those around you. That doesn't mean you never talk about yourself, ask for support, or make sure your own needs are met. But if you want to be a rock star person, a rock star human being, to me this is the most important element. Put yourself in their shoes and feel what they're feeling. Be mindful of what's happening to them, ask them questions, feel a bit of the passion they feel about what matters most to them. You will learn things, experience more of the world, grow as a person...so it's "winning" for both sides!

Charlie: Stop trying to make me look bad, woman. It's not possible.

Diana: I'm hardly a saint, Charlie-thing, I'm just as selfish as you are. Well, okay, not that bad. I'm not being Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama here, and sacrificing for others. This just seems to me the way that a person becomes a rock star, and that's not exactly self-less motivation, is it? I'm saying that when you make others happy, you'll be happy too.

Blog: It's sort of the way the universe works. And if I weren't an anthropomorphic, imaginary being, I'd sure try it too. Thanks for the nice debate, guys!

Charlie: I guess I'm kinda sold, too, Diana. Can I take you out for some tiger blood?

Diana: Aw, that's the spirit, Charlie! I'd like that.

Having trouble finishing what you start?

This is Nita Zayas, one of the members of Aggie’s Nine Heroes (Diana’s upcoming novel), and I’m delighted to be guest blogging today. Blog, I’m told you have some questions for me on the subject of how to reach closure with your projects. Project management is a specialty of mine, as you’ll learn from the book when you read how I got on the team. So let’s get started!

Blog: It’s really great, being an anthropomorphized non-entity such as myself, to talk with an imaginary person such as YOURself, Nita! First question:  What’s your best suggestion to people who have a lot of trouble finishing projects?

Nita: The best way to prevent Epic Project Fail is to do some “likelihood analysis” before you even begin. Ask yourself honestly, what are the odds you will bring this project to fruition? Set aside the reasons why you’re thinking of doing this thing: because you feel obligated, because someone else did it and was a success, because it would bring a result you really badly want. Ignore all that and focus...do you honestly have the time, money, resources, motivation and talent to get to the end? Because time spent on a project with only a 50/50 chance of completion is, frankly, wasted time. And it’s time, energy and resources you could be using to actually finish something else.

Blog: So is it always a bad idea to try something new?

Nita: Not at all.  There’s nothing wrong with taking a chance now and then, trying something new that you aren’t sure you can do. But limit those experiments and recognize them for what they are. Watch carefully for the point at which you’ve proven you can’t take the project any further successfully, call it a learning experience, and move on.

Blog: Okay, let’s say you’ve done a “likelihood analysis” and really feel this project is something you can carry through to the finish. What’s the next important step?

Nita: It’s really important to develop a complete plan, not just plunge in. Make a complete list of what you’ll need for the project and either obtain it all or make sure you can within the required time frame. And speaking of, make sure you have a time frame. Set a definite deadline and swear to yourself you will keep it. Think through all the steps to completion, and make task lists. Determine, based on your deadline, task deadlines along the way. And make sure you stick to them.

Blog: Are deadlines really so important?

Nita: If you just want to dabble or play around, and don’t care about ending up with a specific deliverable, no.  But if you’re serious about project completion, then you need to plan for more than just the final deadline. I know some people work best under pressure, but the people with the best project completion success rate, work to avoid pressure. Pressure can be motivational, sure...but it is also an added obstacle.

Blog: This sounds like it would be hard for some people. Aren’t distractions natural? I mean, so your deadline is to have the dresser stripped by Saturday evening, but then a friend calls and wants to go for coffee.  Can’t there be some flexibility?

Nita: Definitely. Which is why another key to project success is building in a lot of wiggle room. Estimate how long it will take you to complete your project and then build in an extra 33%. If you know you’re the kind who lives an impromptu life, make that 50%, or even more. That way you can shift task deadlines but still stick to the overall time frame.

Blog: Well, that works. Is there a particular attitude that will especially improve your success rate?

Nita: There sure is. Be the Boss of You. I mean, you need an internal voice that will crack the whip. That internal boss has to have a strong conviction that the project needs to reach closure. S/he is motivated to get the final result, so will tell you “DVR that show for later, get the dresser stripped first.” And this goes back to my first piece of advice: If you don’t want the end result badly enough, recognize that up front and don’t do the project. You’re going to need to rely upon your desire for completion to keep you going till the end.

Blog: But what about the projects you’re forced to do, but don’t want to? How do you find motivation for those?

Nita: With those sort of projects, I look at the final goal as “Not Having to Work on This Anymore.” I picture how nice it will be to have the job behind me, not to be fretting about it or dreading it. I focus on that rather than the distasteful project itself. Actually, negative motivation like this can make a person even more efficient than the positive kind!

Blog: Makes sense. What do you suggest for people who find themselves overwhelmed by too many projects?

Nita: I recommend that you never commit to more than five projects at once, tops. Three if they’re large ones. If you’re at that limit, don’t even entertain the idea of starting something new until you’ve completed something old. If you must take on the new project for some reason, then choose your least important ongoing one and mentally table it--don’t even think about it until you’re back down to four. Life is all about multitasking, but too much of it can really cripple efficiency and overwhelm the brain.

Blog: So, Nita, do you have any final tip for those suffering from the dreaded Lack of Closure in their project lives?

Nita: Be sure to balance projects with down time. Achieving closure is the goal, but not at the expense of other aspects of life. If your life is getting out of balance, it’s never too late to chop some projects. You can always move them to your Bucket List!

Blog: Thanks, Nita! You know, as an anthropomorphized non-entity, I have a lot of projects. And now I’m excited to get them finished!

Blog interviews the word "awesome"

It's high time I once again handed over the reigns to Blog for one of his awesome interviews. And today his awesome interview is with...wait for it...oh yeah, the title already told you, the word "awesome."  Take it away, Blog!

Blog:  We're really pleased you could take time from your busy schedule to join us today, Awesome.

Awesome: Glad I could fit you in, Blog. Did you know at any particular second on Planet Earth, an average of 9,207,450 people are employing me in conversation?

Blog:  Doesn't surprise me a bit.  I know how difficult it's going to be for me to get through this entire post without employing you myself, Awesome.  Can you give us some reasons why you believe you've become so popular?

Awesome:  I have a theory on that, Blog.  I call it The Awesome Theory About Awesome, or TATAA.

Blog:  Of course you do.

Awesome: "Awesome" is one of those rare adjectives that can be used in place of any number of positive descriptors.  Those other descriptors would give the listener more specific information about the awesomeness of the thing being described, which would be good.  But the speaker would have to employ his or her brain and take the time to actually choose the most appropriate adjective, which would be bad.

Blog:  Not sure I'm clear on that, Awesome.  Could you provide some examples?

Awesome:  But of course.  Help me out by substituting "awesome" for each more accurate adjective I use.  This won't count against you in your effort to not use the word in this post, Blog.

Blog:  Okay, good.  Go ahead!

Awesome:  "This monster cheeseburger with jalapenos is delicious."

Blog:  "This monster cheeseburger with jalapenos is awesome!"

Awesome:  "I think Brewster Rockit is a very clever, humorous and entertaining comic strip."

Blog:  "I think Brewster Rockit is an awesome comic strip!"

Awesome:  "Diana Laurence's books are original, creative, engaging and delightful."

Blog:  "Diana Laurence's books are awesome!"  Well gosh, Awesome, I see what you mean.  It's almost like every other positive adjective in the English language could be eliminated if we all agreed just to use "awesome" for everything.

Awesome:  Not only that, it's a multi-purpose exclamation of pleasure too!  Let's try it, Blog.  "You got the job?  I'm so proud of you!"

Blog:  "You got the job?  Awesome!"

Awesome:  "There's a rest stop at the next exit with bathrooms? Thank heavens, because I royally have to pee."

Blog:  "There's a rest stop at the next exit with bathrooms? Awesome!"

Awesome:  "Firefly is coming back to television?  That's the best news I've had all month because that show was so original, interesting and fun and I really thought Simon Tam was hot."

Blog:  "Firefly is coming back to television?  Awesome!"

Awesome:  I tell you, Blog, I'm like the Swiss army knife of words.

Blog:  Meanwhile, you've appeared so much in the copy here that the word is starting to look weird to me.  AH-WEE-SO-MEE...

Awesome:  Uh...steady on, Blog.

Blog:  Sorry.  Anyway, tell me, Awesome...have there been any other words in history that can compare to you in ubiquitousness?  Ubiquitosity?

Awesome:  I think the closest thing is "cool."  However, there are certain situations in which you can employ "awesome" but "cool" doesn't work.

Blog:  As in?

Awesome:  Well, like you can say "Thomas Jefferson was awesome at writing stuff like the Declaration of Independence," but not "T.J. was cool at writing stuff like the Declaration of Independence."

Blog:  Yes, I see the subtle difference.

Awesome:  You can say "This hot pad is too awesome" but not "This this hot pad is too cool."

Blog:  How about "This cool pad is too hot?"

Awesome:  Right.  Meanwhile, other slang words that have been used as positive modifiers over the years are equally not as versatile.  Like "fresh," "the bomb-diggity," "rockin'" and even "sweet."

Blog:  Not to mention "the cat's pajamas."

Awesome:  Good example.  Like you can say, "That cat's pajamas are awesome," but not "That cat's pajamas are the cat's pajamas."

Blog:  "That cool cat's pajamas are cool"?  No way!  "That cool cat's pajamas are awesome" is so much better!

Awesome:  You know it, bro!

Blog:  And if you checked into a fancy hotel and opened the door to your rooms, would you say "Hey, this suite is SWEET!"?  If you bought yourself a fine aged cheese, sampled it, and found it delicious, would you say, "Wow, this aged cheddar is FRESH!"?

Awesome:  Awesome suite, awesome cheddar, my friend!

Blog:  Well, now I see why any minute of the day, 9,207,450 people are employing you in conversation.

Awesome:  Not to mention the additional 3,707,825 people employing me on Facebook and in tweets.

Blog:  I don't know what English-speaking peoples would do without you, Blog.

Awesome:  They'd have to refamiliarize themselves with hundreds of words like grand, attractive, spectacular, inspiring, appealing, beautiful, skillful, exemplary....

Blog:  Oh stop, stop, my head hurts.  A person's vocabulary can only be so big.

Awesome:  Exactly.  And you're welcome.  But now I must be off, I'm needed all over the English-speaking world!  TA-TAA!

Blog:  Ta-taa, Awesome.  You've been really great.

Blog interviews Living Beyond Reality Press

Blog, I feel if I have successfully anthropomorphized my blog, there’s no good reason why I can’t anthropomorphize my publishing business as well. The way Living Beyond Reality Press came to be is pretty quirky, so I’m hoping some of our readers will enjoy hearing how I came to choose self publishing and why I‘m glad I did. Rock it, Blog!

Blog: I’m happy to be talking with another amorphous being that sprang from Diana’s twisted brain! Welcome to the blog, LBR Press.

LBR: Thanks. Wow, love what you’ve done with the place.

Blog: Um, thanks! So, I’ve heard your beginnings had something to do with Sting, and something to do with Canada. Do tell!

LBR: The Sting part is easy to explain: Back in the early 90s, Diana had a bit of a Sting obsession, which led to her studying his favorite guy, Carl Jung, which lead to her writing a self-help book about Jungian psychology called Living Beyond Reality: A Jungian Primer for Enhancing Your Life.

Blog: Interesting. So the tantric sex had nothing to do with it?

LBR: The tantric--oh, you mean Sting and Trudy? Uh, no, not really.

Blog: Go on.

LBR: So, in 1997 Diana found a publisher for the book, an Edmonton-based company called Commonwealth Publications.

Blog: Oh...Canada.

LBR: Right. And publication of that book as well as her novel The Resurrection of Captain Eternity were in the works when Diana got the news that they were going out of business.

Blog: That’s kind of “eh,” eh?

LBR: Another Canada joke? Are you going to work in poutine and beavers here somehow too?

Blog: Sorry. I should have said “that stings,” I guess. But seriously, what a bummer.

LBR: It was. But Diana determined to make lemonade out of lemons and did a short print run of both books herself. Set up the book blocks in Word and worked with a local printer, and filed the paperwork to start me up in early 1998!

Blog: How exciting!

LBR: And to promote the books, she started http://www.livingbeyondreality.com/, on that relatively new thing known as the Worldwide Web.

Blog: And the rest, as they say, is history?

LBR: Well, the next several years that was pretty much it, the two books selling occasionally off the website. Not a really big sales channel. So in 2004 Diana started submitting manuscripts to small independent publishers and that’s how she hooked up with New Age Dimensions. They released several books for her over the next year or so, both as those new things known as ebooks and as paperbacks. She became the publisher’s biggest seller and it was quite thrilling.

Blog: Success at last!

LBR: Well, yes and no. NAD also went out of business, just before a new Diana Laurence title was due to be released.

Blog: It’s enough to make an author feel like she’s the kiss of death.

LBR: Indeed. Time again to get out the lemon juicer. She hadn’t forgotten about me of course, and with the encouragement of her former publisher, she decided to republish her backlist herself, in both ebooks and paperbacks. Those were heady times...

Blog: Were they?

LBR: No actually, they were exhausting. She had a month (the due date set by advance publicity for her new book) to publish four ebooks and three paperbacks and get the old website set up to sell them. But it got done and there was much rejoicing!

Blog: And the rest is history!

LBR: Yes! And you know the best part?

Blog: What?

LBR: I don’t ever have to go out of business! At least as long as Diana’s around.

Blog: That is very nice! So how had the bookselling business changed from 1998 to 2005?

LBR: Dramatically. In 2005 there was Lightning Source, Inc., a subsidiary of Ingram, which not only prints paperbacks on demand but handles their distribution to all the major book retailers. Like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, in fact any bookstore that wants to stock them or sell them online. There’s a charge for the printing of course, but the profit we make is WAY bigger than a traditional royalty payment. Like ten times bigger.

Blog: Sweet. And the books look just like what the big houses print?

LBR: You can’t tell any difference. Then there’s ebooks. Lightning Source does the distribution of ebooks for Borders, Kobo, and many online retailers like Diesel Books and eBookMall.

Blog: What about the big name ebook stores, like Amazon’s Kindle and Barnes & Noble’s nook?

LBR: We have direct contracts with those retailers, and they pay very well.

Blog: But you still sell off the old website? How does that work?

LBR: We purchase paperbacks from Lightning Source and handle orders and fulfillment ourselves. Meanwhile, we use PalPal’s Payloadz service to host and sell our ebooks automatically through the site.

Blog: Very slick.

LBR: We also just signed up with a new program through Lightning Source called the Espresso Book Machine. It’s an awesome contraption that is installed in a bookstore and prints a perfect single book for you while you wait. All our books are available through Espresso Book Machines now too!

Blog: Holy cats! Sounds like there are lots of ways to buy your books all right. But how do people hear about them?

LBR: Well, all the fun challenges of promotion are something that could take another whole interview to discuss, Blog. But I do want to talk about an aspect of promotion in the current publishing world that is dear to my heart.

Blog: What’s that?

LBR: There’s a paradigm shift--ooh, I love working “paradigm” into conversations--from push marketing to pull marketing. Push marketing is like when a bestseller gets lots of press and advertising and product placement in stores. It’s the publishing business telling readers: “This is the book you should buy!”

Blog: It seems to work pretty well.

LBR: It sure does, for the big name authors. But small name authors have an audience too, which finds them by pull marketing. That is, they are looking for a book on a certain subject or with a certain theme or genre and simply find it via Google, or Amazon, or some other means. The mere fact that the book is around and visible finds some readers.

Blog: I get it.

LBR: Our books get found in online stores this way, and also through channels like Google Books and Ingram Digital/Summon, where they are all searchable and thus findable by readers.

Blog: So do you really think things are changing for tiny publishing houses like yourself?

LBR: I’ll put it to you this way: Back in 2005 some of the big name retailers refused to offer self-published books. Meanwhile, this month Kobo (the system used by Palm and others) invited publishers to contract with them to offer their ebooks, and they stated, “self-published titles are welcome!”

Blog: Awesome! And you save trees, right?

LBR: You like trees? Me too! Yes, ebooks and print-on-demand paper books do save trees. Did you know that thousands and thousands of Diana’s traditionally published book How to Catch and Keep a Vampire were destroyed by bookstores because they didn’t sell in the first nine months? LBR Press has never put a book into the trash.

Blog: Well, it sure is nice to see the opportunities for books today. It hasn’t been very long since there was only one way to get a book published and sold, and now there are lots!

LBR: After 12 years in the business, I’m really thriving, Blog. Sales just get better every year. Today we have 13 ebooks and 11 paperbacks for sale, and none of them are going away.

Blog: Sting would be proud. And Canada too. Thanks for all the infos, LBR Press, and here’s to many more years of bringing books to readers everywhere! Oh, and for readers interested in all the details of self-publishing via the LBR Press model, you can get Diana’s ebook Do-It-YourSelf-Publishing (writing as Diane Lau) for a mere $2.99 from Barnes & Noble, Borders or Powells Books, or $2.54 directly from LBR Press.

Post #100: Blog Interviews the Circle-Slash-Carrot Burro of Oatman, Arizona

Blog, it’s our 100th post, a HUGE occasion to be sure! Considering that your interviewee for the 50th was the Internet, I’m sure our readers are as excited as I am to see who you found for our celebration today! Take it away, Blog....

Blog: We want to welcome our very special celebrity guest, the Circle-Slash-Carrot Burro of Oakman, Arizona! Burro, glad to--

Diana: Wait, hold it, hold it. For the 100th our guest is the who?

Blog: Not The Who. The Circle-Slash-Carrot Burro of Oatman, Arizona.

Diana: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I just couldn’t believe it.

Blog: Believe it.

Diana:  The burro that daughter Katie photographed on her Route 66 trip, the burro with the circle-slash-carrot sticker on his forehead.  That burro?

Burro: Um. Is there a problem? Should I go back to Oatman? Would you rather get The Who?

Blog: No, of course not. You’re a perfectly fitting guest for this auspicious occasion, Mr. Burro.

Diana: This I gotta hear.

Blog: And you WILL, if you’ll let me get on with it.

Diana: Sorry. Take it away, Blog....

Blog: Burro, first tell us about life in Oatman.

Burro: Oatman has the zip code of 86433 and burros roam all over the town. And there are like a hundred-some people, too. And the zip code is 86433.

Blog: Burros roam all over the town?

Burro: Oatman started when some prospectors struck a ten million dollar gold find in 1915. It became a mining town, and burros were used to haul rock, water and supplies. The mining stopped in World War II, so the burros were set free and became wild. Then when Route 66 was built, Oatman became a tourist town, and the burros hit it off pretty well with the tourists. ‘Cause they had carrots. Burros like carrots better than gold. I would like some carrots.

Blog: Wouldn’t we all?

Burro: Then in 1953 they moved Route 66 and the people didn’t come. And there were no carrots either. They didn’t have zip codes back then either.

Blog: You seem pretty enamored of the zip code concept, Burro.

Burro: I would like 86,433 carrots. But I can’t even have one.

Blog: Even though Route 66 and the people have returned, you can’t have carrots. Which brings us to that sticker on your forehead, Burro. Why are you sporting a circle-slash-carrots sticker?

Burro: No one else is! The other 86,433 burros get carrots!

Blog: 86433 is the zip code of Oatman, Burro...I don’t think it’s the population of burros.

Burro: No, you’re right...it isn’t.

Blog: You seem pretty downcast--maybe you don’t want to talk about the sticker?

Burro: Oh, I’ll talk about it. It’s there to keep the tourists from giving me carrots because I’m too young to eat carrots yet.

Blog: Oh! Well, that’s not bad. When you’re a little older and bigger, you WILL be able to have carrots!

Burro: I’ll NEVER be older and bigger. The carrots will all be gone by then.

Blog: No they won’t. There will be lots left.

Burro: How do you know?

Blog: Because there are, um, 86,433 carrots! That many carrots will last, um, practically forever!

Burro: They will? Okay! I’ll just wait till then then, thanks Blog! Oh, and it’s funny, because 86433 is the zip code of Oatman, too!

Blog: The world is full of amazing coincidences, isn’t it?

Burro: Blog, I can’t see your face because you are non-corporeal, but Diana’s face I CAN see and she looks puzzled. Does she want a carrot?

Blog: She just wants to know why I picked you to interview for our big 100th post, Burro.

Burro: Do you want to explain, or should I?

Blog: Uh...sure, you go right ahead!

Burro: Diana, I know the Internet is a big, famous guy that everyone in the world knows, and I am just the Circle-Slash-Carrot Burro of Oatman, Arizona. But Blog wanted your readers to know that it doesn’t matter how famous you are, even someone like a little burro can be important too. The Internet makes a lot of people smile but so do the burros of Oatman and other burros, too. And I make a lot of people smile because I have a sticker on my head with a circle-slash-carrot on it. So that’s why, Diana.

Diana: Huh. Well, that sure makes sense to me, Burro! Well said.

Burro: Thank you. Now I’m going back to Oatman to wait to get bigger. Please tell the Internet that everyone in zip code 86433 says hi. He does know that’s the zip code of Oatman, right?

Blog: He sure does, Burro. I hope you get your carrots soon!

Burro: I would like 752 carrots, please.

Blog: I have a feeling our Randometer is your biggest fan, Burro. Readers, thanks for visiting and we look forward to bringing you the next hundred posts! We close with a lovely video of the burros of Oatman, created by Life Journey guy and featuring the nice song “Say You Believe,” by Amanda Kaletsky. In other words, our friend the Internet brings you our friends the burros. Enjoy!

Blog interviews Cranny the nook

As you know, Blog loves to interview gadgets. So he’s taking over the blog today to introduce you to my new Barnes & Noble nook ereader. Take it away, Blog!

Blog: Cranny, welcome to the blog and to life at Magic House.

Cranny: Thanks, Blog. I’m really here representing both myself and my twin, Nicher, who is Davie’s nook.

Blog: I heard Davie came up with both your names. I get “Cranny,” but what’s the deal with “Nicher”?

Cranny: Well, Davie was thinking about various synonyms for “nook” and thought of “niche.” Being a French word, it put him in mind of French-Canadian hockey players. And in hockey, player nicknames often are derived by adding “-er” to the last name. Hence, Nicher.

Blog: Fascinating explanation.

Cranny: I tend to be fascinating. I’m just sayin’.

Blog: As do all ebook readers, I’m sure. So, how is Diana liking you so far?

Cranny: She says I’m easier to hold than a book, and page turning is less effort too. And she’s already excited about one day in the future having most of her personal library portable in my memory. I can hold about 1,500 books.

Blog: Pretty sweet! I like your cover, too.

Cranny: It’s functional for protection, but also expresses Diana’s fun and funky personality. Davie went for more of dignity and elegance for Nicher.

Blog: Not that Davie would claim to be either dignified or elegant, of course. But Nicher is very sharp-looking, that’s sure. Now I’m curious...Diana has waited a long time to get an ereader. Why did she finally pull the trigger?

Cranny: I’m the new Wi-Fi version of the nook, and cost only $149. That made her and Davie sit up and take notice. Davie reads tons of books and was looking both for a way to save money and shelf space.

Blog: He’s not a pack rat.

Cranny: Not in the least. So an affordable ereader seemed just the ticket. Diana reads away from home a lot and just wanted the portability. I fit in her purse easily and am really light.

Blog: Tell us a bit about E ink. That’s what makes you different from using a smart phone or iPad as a book reader, correct?

Cranny: Indeed, Blog. The Kindle and the nook both use E ink technology. That means the screen is not a backlit LCD screen like on phones and computing devices. My screen is like electronic paper: black and white and doesn’t give off light. Which means you can read me outside in bright light. And I’m easy on the eyes. And I don’t use a lot of power.

Blog: Speaking of using power, obviously you’re a green technology in more than one way.

Cranny: If everyone read their books, magazines, and newspapers on an ereader, it would save ridiculous amounts of trees. Do you know what traditional book publishing does in this regard? Books that aren’t sold in stores in a limited time typically are not returned or redistributed in some way--they are destroyed. It’s understood in any print run that a large percentage of copies will end up as trash.

Blog: I’m not an eco-maniac, Cranny, but I hate to think of all that waste.

Cranny: Digital content is so cheap to produce, store and distribute. That means older titles can stick around for decades, finding new readers.

Blog: I’m sold. But I noticed before you brought up the “K” word. Why was Diana sold on Barnes & Noble’s nook rather than Amazon’s Kindle?

Cranny: There are a ton of reasons. For a very fair comparison of the attributes of each, you can visit this comparison page on the Barnes site. But Diana’s main reason stems from her experience publishing books sold for the two ereaders.

Blog: Are these reasons that would matter to people who simply read, rather than sell, books?

Cranny: Most certainly, Blog, and I will explain. Some years back, Amazon used to sell ebooks in several formats, including pdf and Microsoft lit. Diana sold many books that way. But then Amazon decided to make their own ebook reader, and pulled all those hundreds of thousands of titles from availability.

Blog: I don’t get that.

Cranny: They wanted to control the market, so they weren’t going to sell any formats of ebooks other than the format designed for their machine. If buyers wanted to get ebooks from Amazon, they would have to buy a Kindle to read them. And if they wanted ebooks for their Kindle, they would have to buy Kindle versions from Amazon.

Blog: I’m not sure that’s the American Way.

Cranny: Happily, I have anecdotal proof it’s not. Barnes & Noble launched nook two years after Kindle appeared. They already offer more ebooks than Amazon carries, and at least in Diana’s case, they already SELL more. It’s only logical. Customers can install free B&N Reader software on their computers or smart phones and read B&N ebooks on any such device, not just the nook. And publishers can provide their titles to Barnes in simple pdf or ePub format. Diana has told me what a challenge it is producing titles in Kindle format; she didn’t even bother with one of her novels to go through the trouble. It’s the same for other publishers, which is why B&N has more ebooks to sell.

Blog: So in a sense she bought the nook for ethical reasons.

Cranny: Ethical AND practical. Which horse would you back in this race?

Blog: Gotcha, Cranny. Well, you have many reasons to be proud to be a nook.

Cranny: I have easily customizable wallpaper and screensavers, and a built in mp3 player and speakers, too.

Blog: So Diana can rock out to “Code Monkey” by Jonathan Coulton while reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest?

Cranny: Well, she could...had she not already bought it in hardcover.

Blog: Hmmm, a shame.

Cranny: It’s really good, but it would be better weighing nothing, rather than over two pounds. That’s three times what I weigh.

Blog: Even if you were loaded with 1,500 books.

Cranny: Even if.

Blog: Sweet. Well thanks, Cranny. I’m convinced the publishing paradigm needs to shift your way, and I think it will. Very exciting stuff.

Cranny: One more thing, Blog. Diana told me to tell readers that nearly all her books are available for nook as well as the-ereader-who-shall-not-be-named.

Blog: And they are damn cheap that way.

Cranny: Starting at $1.71, Blog!

Blog: Rock! Let’s get reading!

Cranny: You read, I display.

Blog: Right.

Blog interviews Son of Hibachi

From our Consumer Tips and Patio Parties Department, Blog is here today to introduce you to the newest member of our household at Magic House.  Please welcome Son of Hibachi!

Blog:  Glad to have you with us, Son of Hibachi!  Whoa, saying that out loud I just realized the pun.

SoH:  Ah yes, it is funny, you think?

Blog:  Very clever and late-night-TV-infomercial-worthy, Son.  So by way of introduction, what brings you to Magic House aka Chez Diana?

SoH:  Well, you see Magic House patio has fine gas grill, very fine, but nothing which might incorporate charcoal briquets.  Diana recently enjoyed her daughter's Smokey Joe cooking with mesquite charcoals.  Big tasty.

Blog:  I see, so she had a hankering for that wood smoke flavor.

SoH:  Yes, yes!  And for hibachi cooking of her childhood, you know how in 1960s American suburbs, they love hibachi.  And from the Interweb she learned about me!

Blog:  And what's your schtick, Son?  You don't look exactly like a hibachi or any other grill.  And what the H-O-double-hockey-sticks is a Snuff-Out Pouch?

SoH:  I am happy to tell whole story of use of Son of Hibachi, Blog.  You begin by unfolding Son to open position, like so.  And put charcoals on each side, like so, and some in center tray with little firestarter maybe.  Put on some lighter fluid, good douse.  Instruction say not needing to put on side coals, but maybe better you do.

Blog:  Following you so far.

SoH:  Light coals in center tray, then fold up Son of Hibachi.  Clip at top like in picture, this all makes chimney effect to light charcoals!  Very clever!

Blog:  That IS clever.  And may I say, you're sort of an Asian Billy Mays, aren't you?

SoH:  Billy Mays, greatest master of all infomercials!  I humbly thank you for comparison.

Blog:  You're welcome.  So I imagine with that "chimney effect" the coals are ready faster than with a traditional grill.

SoH:  Yes, yes.  Maybe ten minutes, Son is ready.  Open up, spread coals out, maybe rearrange.  Then put on food, like tasty tequila lime chicken prepared by Diana.

Blog:  Yummy.  And then you work like, well, a charcoal grill!

SoH:  Yes, you see in photo, result of cooking is tasty grilled tequila lime chicken.  But now Son of Hibachi do even more crazy stuff!


Blog:  Not anything like on those wacky Japanese game shows where people jump through weird cutout shapes to avoid being knocked into the pool...

SoH:  No, no, ha ha!  No, Blog, not like game show.  Like this:  fold up Son again, push in ash drawer and top clip, creates vacuum to extinguish and save coals!  Also burns off grills to clean!

Blog:  Wow!  Do you need an oven mitt to do that?

SoH:  Not even.  Aluminum legs and handles stay cool to touch.  Then, in goes Son of Hibachi to Snuff-Out Pouch!  That finish job, and also you can right away put Son in garage or car.

Blog:  While you're still roasting hot?

SoH:  They make pouch from same stuff as firefighter suits.  Will be very warm but not hot to burn you, Blog!

Blog:  Sweet!  And what might I have to pay to get my own Son of Hibachi, Son?

SoH:  Order straight from website www.sonofhibachi.com, 75 American bucks, free shipping!  Very heavy with cast iron, but still, shipping free!

Blog:  Well, I'm sold and I know Diana is too.  Otherwise why would she have me interview you for no remuneration from the manufacturer, just as a service to our grilled-meat loving readers?

SoH:  Good for corn too!  Very good for corn and veggies!  170 square inches for any food that won't fall through slots.

Blog:  So you won't be good for making bacon spaghetti for Diana's dad next weekend, then.

SoH:  Not so good for spaghetti, fall through slots.

Blog:  Sort of like on those wacky Japanese game shows where people jump through weird cutout shapes to avoid being knocked into the pool.

SoH:  Blog very funny guy.  Very funny anthropomorphized being with masculine vibe.

Blog:  Right back atcha, Son.

Hockey Snacks’ Shinny is back!

Blog, I made a deal with Davie if the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (which they did Wednesday night), I would bring back an old friend of his for the occasion. Retired in 2002, this little guy still occasionally gets fan mail. He and I hosted the weekly ezine of NHL humor, Hockey Snacks, from 1998 to 2002, and garnered thousands of readers.

It staggers me that some of them still ask me about Shinny, aka my left index finger dressed in a tiny Blackhawks goalie mask. Shinny interviewed all sorts of crazy characters back in the day, including the Buffalo Jumbotron, the Hockey Tooth Fairy, a scrap of Vezina’s pads, etc.

So, for Davie (aka “Snacks Fact Guy Dave”) and all you faithful fans, we welcome the return of Shinny. And this time, he’s on the other side of the interview desk!

Blog: Shinny, there are a lot of reasons to be happy the Hawks won the Cup, but I for one am delighted the event brought you back into the limelight once more.

Shinny: Blog, I’m just dang happy to have lived to see Stanley come to Chicago. I’m gonna have to hook up with the big guy while he’s in the Windy City if I can. It’s been a long time since he and I tipped back the bubbly together. And as for that sneaky puck that no one but Patrick Kane could see in the corner of the net...well, Snacks fans, remember Burger the Puck? He who once got caught in Flyers goalie Bryan Boucher’s mask?

Blog: One and the same?

Shinny: You betcha.

Blog: Wow that’s something! Well, we know you’re focused on that Cup win, Shinster, but there are a lot of folks around the Internet who’ve been asking after you. I guess a finger in a goalie mask can make a lasting impression.

Shinny: That’s really gratifying, Blog. Di and I haven’t forgotten all the Snacks fans who used to fill her email box with ideas for Separated at Birth (like Jeremy Roenick and James Woods), and who tuned in to keep up with the characters on The Real Rink (remember the Waukesha Western Box Turtles?), and who proudly called themselves Canuckophiles.

Blog: A term I believe you coined.

Shinny: Well, it’s hard to love hockey without loving Canada, Blog.

Blog: True dat, eh? Tell us one of your notable memories from the days of Snacks, Shinny.

Shinny: Well, I’ll certainly never forget when I got cut and had to have stitches. But of course, that sort of thing is life for hockey players.

Blog: Rumor was that was a bagel-slicing incident, and not actually from a skate in game-action.

Shinny: Well, when you’re a finger, people make assumptions. In the grand hockey tradition of keeping info about injuries on the d.l., I’m not going to confirm or deny that bagel business, Blog.  Another great time was when I got to work on the production of the NHL Naptime series of hockey cards.  Not a lot of fans can boast that they got to see famous players like Wayne Gretzky in bed.

Blog:  I hope not, Shinny.  Ahem.  But you know, a lot of people have wondered how it came to be that a finger got the gig hosting an ezine, Shinny. What’s the story there?

Shinny: Well, the boss started her website to promote her first two published books, and threw in some fun stuff like her collection of hockey stuff. Me in my tiny mask, borrowed from her Ed Belfour action figure, made an appearance. Her regular updates quickly turned into a weekly thing, and thus Hockey Snacks was born.

Blog: Were you surprised when you suddenly found yourself the star host of an internet craze?

Shinny: Aw, Blog, now you’re making me blush. “Internet craze”?

Blog: 6,000-plus regular readers was pretty good ten years ago. I think that’s like a thousand times what I get, Shinny.

Shinny: Well, you’re non-corporeal, Blog. Having a physical appearance helps a lot.

Blog: I’d work on that if I could, Shinny.

Shinny: But to answer your question, it was a huge surprise. The author was awfully new to hockey, she only became a fan in 1994. I think when she started Snacks she still hadn’t quite figured out offsides.

Blog: I heard she thought the goalie’s blocker looked like a stuffed leather muffin tin.

Shinny: Had never heard of Timbits either.  But before we were done, she was savvy enough to teach her cat Cake to play goal.

Blog: Hard to believe.

Shinny: What was really hard to believe was the fan response.  We got so much input and material from readers, and that was what made it fun.  The contributions people sent in to “Burger the Puck's Hockey Freaks of Nature” alone were worth the price of admission.  Like the Jesus Playing Hockey Statue.  Awesome.

So, what have you been doing for the six years since Hockey Snacks packed it in, Shinny?

Shinny: Well, I’ve been exploring a lot of other options, Blog. Typing...pointing at stuff...petting cats...testing the temp of hot liquids once in awhile.

Blog: Pretty eclectic lifestyle.

Shinny: Really, that was why we retired Snacks in 2002. Putting that much work into one subject was tough.

Blog: Same reason Diana retired her Erotica with Soul blog.

Shinny: I guess it’s hard to pigeonhole a writer who has focused both on hockey and on erotic romance.

Blog: Sometimes simultaneously, like in that “Je t’aime Etienne” story in Soulful Sex Volume II.

Shinny: Are we allowed to do product placement like that?

Blog: Well, we did it for Timbits. Timbits has its own tag in the right-hand column.

Shinny: True. Anyway, while we’re enjoying the eclectic lifestyle, with the romance, the cat-petting, the crafting, the pointing at stuff, it’s sometimes still truly fantastic focusing on hockey.

Blog: You can take the finger out of hockey, but you can’t take hockey out of the finger, eh, Shinny?

Shinny: Exactly, Blog. Those days of presenting Golden Finger Awards and writing songs like “Living La Vida Hockey” are some of the best of my life and I’ll never forget them. And I want to give a shoutout to the amazing Snacks fans out there. To any of them who find this post and used to read us, I hope they will comment and tell us about themselves.

Blog: Me too, Shinny. And what’s next for you?

Shinny: Well, hopefully pointing at the TV and saying, “Look, the Stanley Cup is really in Chicago!”

Blog: Amen to that, Shinny. Amen to that.

So there you have it, friends, and there you go, Davie. And I’d like to add one more thing: A big Happy 16th Anniversary to my wonderful husband, without whom I’d never have discovered hockey and the Chicago Blackhawks.

Blog interviews the Kitchen Armadillo

Today Blog is back with one of his spectacularly exclusive interviews (spectacularly exclusive because no one else on the planet even believes his interviewees are for real). So, without further adieu, meet the newest member of our household: the Kitchen Armadillo!

Blog: And after all, what kitchen is complete without an armadillo?

K.A.: Where I come from, not a one, Senor Blog!

Blog: And tell us where you do hail from, Kitchen Armadillo.

K.A.: From the Great Southwest, Blog…Route 66!

Blog: A plastic armadillo bank from Route 66, imagine that.

K.A.: Boy howdy, not the tiniest speck of irony there, that’s a fact. Anyway, I was bought from one of them dandy gift shops that flank the Mother Road, by Diana’s daughter Katie.

Blog: Ah yes…we heard all about that 4,500-mile trek o’ fun that Katie enjoyed with her boyfriend, Chris. I’m sure she felt you’d be a fine thank-you gift for Momzi and Davie, in return for their catsitting services.

K.A.: Me ‘n’ some fine Route 66 coffee, I hear tell. Anyway, I was chose outta all them fine rememberances like tomahawks ‘n’ arrowheads ‘n’ even the plastic dinosaurs with their fancy hand painting ‘n’ pointy teeth. And the rubber snakes, of course. Yer rubber snakes are as plenty-full on the Six-Six as squished skeeters on a windshield.

Blog: Swell. And you were well received, I take it, having been placed in the kitchen right next to our long-loved Kitchen Lion.

K.A.: Yeppers, right there on the toaster oven and proud to be there. And contrary to the belief of one Mister Professor Sno W. Caps and all his puffery, it ain’t so bad being atop that toaster oven. Ain’t no hotter than the New Mexico desert on a fine July day, I’ll tell the world.

Blog: Beware of melty paws, Kitchen Armadillo.

K.A.: We armadillos are melty resistant, Blog. Gotta be.

Blog: I’m sure. So, do you miss Route 66?

K.A.: A bit, a bit, I’ll admit to it. But at the same time, I was always a small duck in a big pond out there, if you get my meanin’. Awful lotta big stuff on Route 66, makes a regular-sized critter like me feel as ordinary as a sneeze in a dust storm.

Blog: We did see some of Katie’s photos from the trip, and you’re right about that, Kitchen Armadillo. Like that monster blue whale!

K.A.: That’s a big one! That’s a mighty big one! Makes me want to ball right up in a ball, seeing that pitchur!

Blog: Well, if I weren’t non-corporeal, I’d be tempted to ball up too.

K.A.: So you see how a critter’d get one of them im-feely-orietty complexes! Everybody and his cousin Slim hops off the highway to see that big thing. But put a plastic armadillo bank on the side o’ the road and them cars just zip on by.

Blog: I see what you mean.

K.A.: Don’t have to be a big critter, either. Just make some big thing and out come the cam’ras. Like them big ole arrows. Arrow can’t hop or roar or even ball up like an armadillo, but make it big enough and you got yourself a spot on the map, Senor Blog.

Blog: So you’re saying size matters.

K.A.: Oh yeah, on the Mother Road it do. Not so much about the HO trains and dollhouses there, Bucko. Teeny tiny maybe they got out East, but on 66, that stuff is as rare as pink on a mule deer.

Blog: I confess I kind of like the dinosaurs.

K.A.: You ‘n’ every pole cat from Delaware! Dinos, dinos, everybody wants to see the dinos! Even worse since ’85.

Blog: What happened in ’85?

K.A.: That movie with that runty bow-tied critter. Pee Wee Herman. Big splash for the big dinosaurs on Route 66. If I had a grub for every time some tourist said “Large Marge sent me,” well, you could call ME Large Marge.

Blog: Well, it seems to me this is a bit of a sore spot. Might be better to look to the future. I’m sure you’ll be getting a fresh start in the kitchen, and you can be sure there’s nothing huge living in there.

K.A.: Ya know, that’s been real refreshin’. The Kitchen Lion’s mighty small for a lion, and Proff Snowcaps ain’t real big for a snowman neither. Not that I ever seen a snowman or snow in the part of the Road where I lived.

Blog: Oh, it’s coming, don’t you worry.

K.A.: And them three cats are pretty much cat-sized. I like cats. They know how to ball up, which is a skill I believe all fine animules oughta know.

Blog: I’m thinking that pointing out how it’s impossible for a molded plastic armadillo to ball up might be a mistake…

K.A.: What’s that you say, Blog?

Blog: Not a thing. So, have you and the Kitchen Lion found some things in common, sitting there together on the toaster oven?

K.A.: Well, we did find out we both started out in a big ole bin o’ other lions or armadillos. The gift shop scene. Both been pawed over by young’uns with hands all sticky from eatin’ peanut butter cups in the car. Both been on the bottom of the pile, both been on the top. Both got similar phil-oserfies about life.

Blog: Really? What’s your philosophy about life?

K.A.: Life is like a big ole bin o’ plastic souvenirs: if a sticky-fingered kid don’t pick you out today, just ball up and wait fer tomorrow.

Blog: Profound, Kitchen Armadillo, very profound.

K.A.: Oh, I got more profoundities than the Mother Road got giant dinos, Senor.

Blog: Well, welcome to the family, and keep those paws safe.