A lesson in hotness from John C. Reilly

Hey Blog, hear our readers asking, “John C. Reilly...hotness?” Yes, that’s what I said. And I do mean that John C. Reilly, the guy you see in Will Ferrell movies acting crazy, the guy with the Play-Doh face and wild curly hair.

This is the guy I found myself really, really attracted to when we watched “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.” How could such a thing happen? Well, the easy answer is that anyone is hotter when he plays a vampire, and you won’t get an argument from me on that point. As you see in this photo below, once you adopt the blood-drinker persona, that boosts your sex appeal at once. Plus, you get to employ that timeless trick, the “looking out of the tops of your eyes” face that you see here (previously termed “the Look” on my old blog). Never fails to tweak the female libido, Blog.

But let’s give some specific props to John C. himself. Much to my surprise, the man can really work it. Here he is managing quite a smoldering expression, never mind the normally goofy face and freaky hair. How about that? In his Seminar on Looking Hot Regardless of Your Natural Endowments, John might have that as Tip #1--Ignore anything you see in the mirror and just act sexy anyway.

And our next photo provides another suggestion: Tip #2--Go for an air of mystery, perhaps an attractive facial scar that suggests a dangerous past. Hockey players have been using their facial scars this way for decades. John C. does a great job in the movie employing that irresistible blend of danger and beneficence that really sucks a girl in. He could kill you with a gesture, and yet...he seems strangely interested in protecting you.

His next recommendation is not one we women like to consider, but guys sure know it works and we have to agree. Tip #3--Hitch yourself to a gorgeous woman whose attentions prove your attractiveness. See here John C. with arm candy Salma Hayek. If she wants him, why wouldn’t any female?

The next suggestion is pretty obvious, Blog. Tip #4--Wear a long coat. Nathan did it in “Firefly,” Keanu did it in “The Matrix,” Johnny did it in “Pirates of the Caribbean,” clearly it works every time. The coat = sex appeal.  Especially if you walk with a bold, determined stride and are back lit by moonlit fog.

Less obvious but definitely true: Tip #5--Employ a delectable voice. I did see the movie version of “Chicago” so I knew John C. could sing (he was Amos and did that great number, “Mr. Cellophane”). But in point of fact in his youth he was a huge Broadway fan and did nothing but musicals. If a guy can sing, chances are he has a great speaking voice too and you just don’t realize it. When he plays a vampire, he has a great opportunity to use that voice to best advantage, intoning his lines in vampiric style. Ooh.

Great ideas all, but John C. Reilly happens simply to be a very talented actor. He did a fabulous job with this role, employing a dry, understated sense of humor, a flair for the sinister, and a low-key but palpable personal warmth. And I’m not gonna mince words about it, I found it all utterly seductive. Just watch this clip, readers, and you’ll get a bit of an idea.

I’m officially adding John C. Reilly to my “Guys Who Make Really Sexy Vampires” list. Sounds crazy, but dagnabbit, Blog, I’m hot for the guy.