Blog’s imaginary cupcake shoppe

Today I’m letting Blog take over (always a risky proposition) to weigh in on the hottest topic in America today. No, it’s not the upcoming election, Obamacare, or even “Jersey Shore.” It’s cupcakes. What’s on your mind, Blog?

Well, Diana, it seems cupcakes are the new martinis. I mean, a few years ago everyone was obsessed with developing crazy new martini recipes, like the Scarlett O’Hara (vodka, Irish whisky, with dirt-rimmed glass and turnip slice garnish). But right now, the craze is definitely cupcakes. All you need is an oven, a cupcake pan, and your imagination, and you too can develop a menu of exotic cupcakes and open yourself a cupcake shoppe (and I hope you are pronouncing that “shoppee” in your mind when you read it).

I, Blog, would name my awesome shoppe “I’ll Cup Your Cake” or maybe “Cuppeecake-adelic.” It would have a sign shaped like a what? A cupcake! With sparkles. My spokesperson would be Elijah Wood. Why? Because I found this super excellent photo of Elijah Wood with a Cupcake:

Need I say more? And I would offer great cupcakes like these:

1. The Jalapeno Ranch. Cornbread cupcake with spicy bits of jalapeno, with fluffy Ranch dressing flavored buttercream frosting.

2. The Death by Chocolate. Dark chocolate cupcake with chocolate chips, bits of real Godiva 80% cacao chocolate, fudge pudding filling, chocolate buttercream drizzled with chocolate and dipped in chocolate sprinkles, with a chocolate chocolate chip truffle on top, topped with more drizzle and sprinkles, all tucked inside a bigger dark chocolate cupcake with chocolate chips, bits of real Godiva 80% cacao chocolate, fudge pudding filling, chocolate buttercream drizzled with chocolate and dipped in chocolate sprinkles, with a chocolate chocolate chip truffle on top, topped with more drizzle and sprinkles.

3. The Death by Vanilla. Vanilla cupcake with vanilla chips, vanilla pudding filling, vanilla buttercream drizzled dipped in vanilla sprinkles, with a vanilla truffle on top, topped with more sprinkles, all tucked inside a bigger vanilla cupcake with vanilla chips, vanilla pudding filling, vanilla buttercream drizzled dipped in vanilla sprinkles, with a vanilla truffle on top, topped with more sprinkles.

4. The Meat Lover’s. Meatloaf with gooey cheese filling, topped with garlic mashed potatoes and a meatball.

5. The Wapatuli. Captain Morgan’s rum cupcake with Hawaiian punch/Everclear flavored filling, and Malibu/Jack buttercream frosting.

6. The Lady Gaga. Electric pink cupcake piled very, very, VERY high with glitter frosting and topped with Beanie Babies.

7. The Thanksgiving (seasonal). Sourdough stuffing cupcake with gravy filling and bits of real turkey, with pumpkin cream icing, sprinkled with corn.

8. The Lost. Coconut cupcake with bits of Apollo bar, buttercream frosting flavored with MacCutcheon scotch, topped with a Dharma brand macaroon.

9. The Handyman. Oriented strand board cupcake topped with spray foam insulation.

10. The Wisconsin. Cheddar cheese flavored cupcake with bits of bratwurst, dipped in beer batter and deep fried, on a stick.
How could my cupcake shoppee possibly fail with treats like these on the menu? My mouth is watering just imagining it. Or would be if I weren’t merely a mouthless, non-corporeal, anthropomorphized being. Yum.

[<--P.S., you can get the actual awesome instructions to make an actual meaty meatlovers cupcake like this one here!]

Stuff I Bizarradore, Installment #1

Hey Blog, what’s that you say? “What’s ‘bizarradore’?” Well, that’s a question the whole world will soon be asking. And fortunately, Google will be there to send them to this blog post, Blog. Right now, of course, Google has no reply:

But when it does, people will come here and learn the definition:

Bizarradore, verb
To be very fond of and enthusiastic about something random and unexpected: I bizarradore overcooked Swedish meatballs.

So today I’m delighted to introduce you to the concept of bizarradoring by giving five examples from my own life. Now remember, Blog, you can’t bizarradore things that are commonplace, like flamenco guitar. And you can’t bizarradore things a lot of people know you like, like capybaras (well, I mentioned them once before on a very high profile blog, that is, YOU, Blog). You can only bizarradore stuff that very few people know you like, and very few people ever even think about except randomly. So forget raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, my friend.

Just let me illustrate. I bizarradore....

The Word “Narwhal”

Blog, I can’t explain this, but I just do. Narwhals themselves are okay, I guess, but the word “narwhal” really sends me. There’s nothing that can’t be improved by the addition of the word narwhal. Cases in point, the lyrics of “Rock Lobster” (aka your theme song, Blog), and this, the greatest moment in all of the film “Elf”:



The Gibson Girl

I discovered the Gibson Girl in high school and was just obsessed for awhile. Wikipedia (which will soon have an article on “bizarradoring” I’m sure) explains, “The Gibson Girl was the personification of a feminine ideal as portrayed in the satirical pen and ink illustrated stories created by illustrator Charles Dana Gibson during a 20-year period spanning the late nineteenth and early twentieth century in the United States.” She was feminine and beautiful but also independent, spunky, and powerful.

Being a Peggle Grand Master

Forget Bejeweled, there is no computer game more awesome than Peggle, at least for folks like me not really into computer games. My husband is a gaming geek and all his magazine and website sources say so. And I am an actual Peggle Grand Master, Blog! I’m so proud! It took a ton of work you know! Which I did while holding down a full time job and being a successful fiction author! Enough boasting. The only thing better than Peggle on your PC is PEGGLE ON YOUR PLAYSTATION 3!!! Feel free to watch this video of someone pulling off a shot more amazing than anything I’ve ever done.



Guys with Mops of Tousled Dark Hair and Large Noses

Now some people may say this doesn’t count because of my well-known obsession with Neil Gaiman, but in fact I’ve had this thing for a very long time, since the late 60’s when I was crazy for David Steinberg, and the 80’s when I was strangely drawn to Paul Sand. Mops of tousled dark hair alone work pretty well (see Elijah Wood as Frodo) but I think that’s too common to count. I’d like to say mops of tousled dark hair and Jewish noses (Neil and David are both of Jewish heritage). However, although Paul looks Jewish, his real name is Sanchez. And the principle works just as well for me with Naveen (Sayid) Andrews, who is very much not of Jewish heritage.

Trumpeting on Grass

By this I do not mean playing the trumpet while high. I mean using a blade of grass to make a tiny trumpet using your thumbs. This WikiHow shows you how, so you can bizarradore trumpeting on grass too!

Got it, Blog? I can’t wait to see the comments our readers post about bizarradoring these same things, or some total random stuff of their own choosing!  And don’t worry, I’m sure we'll post again on this topic someday soon, Blog.