My Impossible Christmas List

Blog, in these days of high tech toys and other luxuries, a person needs to pause and consider the more elusive things we all wish for come this holiday time. No, I'm not talking about world peace, an end to hunger and homelessness, or other such altruistic dreams...I'm far too self-centered for that. I'm talking about that list of dream gifts that each of us has, items that even Santa couldn't bring to us because they're more or less impossible to hope for.

So, because I'm self-centered enough to think our readers might care, here's my personal Impossible Christmas List for 2010:

1.  That blue creature in the AT&T Windows phone commercials. He has beady eyes, tiny limbs, a fun mouth, and says "Wow-wow-wow. Wow." Neither does the Blue Guy exist in real life, there are no plush versions available for purchase. The best I can do is hope that the commercial remains available on YouTube forever so I can watch it occasionally to see my little pal. [Let's give a shout out to YouTube for existing, shall we?]

2.  A class at Greendale Community College taught by Dr. Linus. Imagine the good version of that oh-so-conflicted character from "Lost," Ben Linus, standing at the white board of some classroom you could share with Jeff, Abed, and the crew from "Community." At some point Abed would observe in his adorable deadpan, "This is a cross-network mashup of comedy and drama, I wonder if we should be funny or inscrutable." I would say, "This is a cross-network fantasy incorporating two of my TV dream guys, I wonder if I should flirt with Abed or Dr. Linus." [I am grateful though to have lived in the time of "Lost" and that "Community" did not get cancelled after one season.]

3.  Having said class be a course in my books called "Diana Laurence 101." Imagine Dr. Linus doing literary analysis on the stories in Soulful Sex: The Darker Side. Because that's one of my favorites and I wish romance readers everywhere had a copy. Dr. Linus would say, "Your assignment for tomorrow, class, is to read 'Kiss Me and Other Commands' and be prepared to talk about what you would do if you had Bix's powers." Neato, Blog. [Grateful though that I was able to write that book, because it was big fun.]

4.  A giant treehouse. I love trees. I love houses. I love treehouses. You're up high and there are leaves right outside your windows. I know it's not impossible to live in a treehouse... someone lives in this one. But as we are not willing to move out of Magic House and have almost no yard, there will not be a treehouse in our future, Blog. [Fortunately, Magic House is the next best thing to a treehouse, I think.]

5.  The NFL making a decision in the Brett Favre sexting case. Now this, apparently, really IS impossible, Blog. Still, I wish it could happen. [Thank heavens this happened with my arch-nemesis player rather than a hero... love ya, Guy Carbonneau!]

6.  Lots and lots of cats. Sadly, there is a limit to the reasonable number of cats a person can own if she lives indoors and not outside on a 100 acre ranch or something. I would love it if we could alter the space/time continuum so that I could adopt every cat that I see that is cute in perpetuity. Eventually I would own thousands of cats. I would need to work 300-hour weeks to make enough to house and feed said cats, which is why this item is on the Impossible Christmas List.[Happily, I only have to work a little bit to feed Cody, Alice and Selke. And I'm not allergic to cats which would be the saddest thing ever, Blog.]

7.  A food that tastes like chocolate covered potato chips but is the healthiest thing you can possibly eat. Or maybe like crullers. [Can I get a hell's-yeah for the invention of the cruller?]

8.  Working pancreases for diabetics everywhere. See, I can get altruistic, Blog! As one myself, I know how awesome it would be to wake up tomorrow with my functioning pancreas back. [Nevertheless, Navie my continuous glucose monitor is the next best thing, so hooray for him...and I wish diabetics everywhere could have one too.]

9.  The Swarovski crystal tiger only costing $34.95. I saw this tiger in Las Vegas and coveted it. It costs about $450.  Now Blog, you may be thinking, "Why not just put the tiger on the list?" Well first of all, that's not impossible. It just costs $450. I don't want myself or anyone paying the amount that could get you a nice flat-screen TV for a crystal tiger. I want the beautiful tiger to only cost $34.95, and then I'd buy it myself. [Happily, it costs me less than $450 to sponsor our live tiger, Kahn, for a year, and that comes guilt-free.]

10. All my blog followers and Facebook friends from around the world at Magic House for a fantastic party with my fabulous family. Blog, it's incredible how many people I've met on the interwebs have become great friends of mine, and how much I depend upon their comradeship and support on a daily basis. It would be swell to crank the Neverending Ubiquitous Patio Party Playlist on my iPod, crack open the bounteous Magic House bar, and host the whole gang face-to-face.

However, I do have an iPod (new this year), a bounteous bar, all those fantastic friends, and that fabulous family. So even if I can't have the stuff on my Impossible Christmas List, I don't have a single complaint.

Our tiger, Kahn

Blog, we just received in the mail the papers making our adoption of Kahn official, so I can finally share with our readers about the newest member of our family, this awesome seven-year-old Siberian tiger.

No, he hasn't moved in to Magic House to live side by side with Cody, Alice and Selke.  He's going to remain in his happy home at the Wisconsin Big Cat Rescue and Educational Center in Rock Springs, Wisconsin, about 20 minutes west of the Dells.  But we will be one of the families that contribute monthly to his feeding and upkeep.

Back story:  After our Vegas trip in January, I was thinking about the animals who are protected by Siegfried and Roy at the Mirage's Secret Garden, and their other conservation efforts.  I wondered if there might be a big cats shelter closer to the Midwest where Davie and I might visit sometime.  I was amazed to discover one practically in our backyard, a mere couple of hours away.

These are all photos of Kahn, and the one below I took myself the day we visited.  It was very hot and humid, and the cats were mostly snoozing...but most slept in easy view of visitors and checked us out drowsily. The rest of the photos in this post are mine, too...the less crisp ones taken with my phone camera when ICU's battery died at the worst possible time!

Wisconsin Big Cat Rescue was begun in 2005 by Jeff Kozlowski and Jenny Meyer, two experienced cat handlers who decided to create a habitat for homeless and abused felines of unusual size.  They have USDA licensing and 501(c)3 non-profit status.  Land was donated to them, and in less than a year they had 26 cats living in sturdy, spacious enclosures, outfitted for all their needs.  These animals are tended lovingly, nursed when sick or hurt, and not exposed to the stresses and abuse so many of them experienced in their former lives.

The Rescue takes in cats from private owners, backyard breeders, animal brokers, zoos and circuses.  In all cases the animals were abused or no longer wanted.  The shelter has conducted some very large animal rescue operations.  They saved 11 cats from a backyard breeder in Flat Rock, Indiana, and recently rescued many animals from an illegal circus in Marion County, Texas.

Sometimes Jeff and Jenny find new homes for their residents, like when they placed Tom III with the University of Memphis to serve as the school's mascot (a tiger, natch).  Click here to see a slideshow of Tom III, and beware, the cuteness is extreme!

Most of the rescued animals stay on with Jeff and Jenny.  They receive no government funding and rely on sponsors, volunteers, and contributors to provide for their large furry family.  Donations come not only in cash but in machines for the compound, vet supplies, and meat.  Different levels of sponsorship are available and entitle you to free visits to the Rescue (normally adults are $9, children 6-12 are $6 and 5 and under free) and photos of your adoptee.

Why did we choose Kahn?  I just love tigers and he is a remarkably beautiful animal.  When we told Jenny of our choice, she smiled and said Kahn is her favorite of all the cats.  He was their first rescue, saved from an Illinois zoo that no longer had room for him.  Jenny told us how she and Jeff were a bit misinformed about Kahn's size when they went to pick him up.  Since he couldn't fit in the cat carrier they had brought, Jenny sat in the back seat of the pickup truck next to Kahn for the long ride home.  She played with him a bit during his early days at the Rescue, but quickly he proved simply too large for that--one time he sat on her and all she could do was wait till he decided to get up!

Kahn, being a Siberian tiger, loves the snow, so he's happy as a clam living in Wisconsin.  In fact, all the cats enjoy the snow.  Their coats get thicker, and Jeff and Jenny provide them with extra straw for nesting, so they are comfortable even during the Midwest winter.

Blog, I hope our cat loving friends donating to Wisconsin Big Cat Rescue.  You can see photos on the website of all of Kahn's pals, like Beemer the Atlas Lion, Dozer the Black Leopard, Sierra the Spotted Leopard, and Raja the White Bengal Tiger.  And by the way, they have a new program that for anyone who provides full sponsorship for a cat for a year ($5,000) they will install a camera so you can watch your sponsoree over the Web anytime!  (Don't worry, Blog, there are levels of sponsorship for any budget, and one-time donations of any size make a difference for these sweet felines.)

And Wisconsin readers, next time you're up at the Dells during the non-winter months, pay the Rescue a visit.  They're open whenever it's not above 90 degrees or raining, and it's absolutely wonderful seeing these magnificent cats all in one place.  And say hi to Kahn for us!

Bonus!  I actually found a really adorable video taken by a visitor to the Rescue.  It's just like being there!