Dear Blog, in our ongoing effort to share the most private and personal things that go on in the life of only-slightly-famous author Diana Laurence, I’m happy to invite readers into my kitchen. And I’m happy to let you conduct another in-depth interview! Take it away, Blog--
Blog: I’m here with the two permanent residents of the kitchen, that being
Professor Snowcaps and
the Kitchen Lion. These two have seen a lot during their years living in the heart of Diana’s home.
Lion: It’s practically the veldt.
Snowcaps: Is it, Lion? Is it
really?
Blog: Welcome, gentlemen.
Lion and Snowcaps: Thank you.
Blog: Kitchen Lion, let’s start with you. How did you come to take up residence with Diana and her family?
Lion: It’s gotta be more than 15 years ago now, Diana and Dave bought me from the souvenir shop at the Milwaukee County Zoo. I think they recognized my inherent value as a blown-plastic lion with suede-like coating and faux mane.
Snowcaps: I think they were cheap, in point of fact.
Lion: Why I oughtta--!!!
Blog: AAANND it’s clear that they considered you a treasure, Lion, seeing has you have been a fixture in their kitchen ever since. How can you account for that kind of staying power?
Lion: Thanks for recognizing that, Blog. Yes, I’m a bit of an institution. I guess after a time they simply realized the kitchen wouldn’t be the same without me in it.
Blog: Those two certainly do have a flair for the random and quirky. But in a good way of course.
Lion: Well, I’m replicated-from-nature-on-a-smaller-and-fakeyer-proof of
that, Blog. Even after my unfortunate accident rendered me less than my original perfect self, they couldn’t bear to part with my random quirkiness.
Blog: Yes, I see our Melty Paw Cam has picked up on your impairment.
Snowcaps: He’s “handicapable,” Blog!
Lion: Grrrrrrr.
Blog: AAANND it’s clear you’ve come to terms with that slight flaw, Lion. How did it happen?
Lion: Well, I think they were confused by my rippling muscles and appearance of invincibility. We got this new toaster oven and someone decided it would be a good display pedestal. Which it is, of course…just not when the toaster oven is
on.
Blog: Uh-oh.
Snowcaps: It’s so easy to forget he’s just made of plastic.
Lion: That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t pick up on it, Blog.
Blog: Nope--got it. So is the melty paw much of a problem for you?
Lion: I’m very tippy. I fall over pretty much daily. In a graceful, cunning way of course.
Snowcaps: It drives them barmy.
Lion: I OUGHTTA!!!
Blog: Do you guys fight like this all the time?
Snowcaps: Only during interviews and Thanksgiving. But at Thanksgiving everyone’s too busy to notice.
Blog: Professor Snowcaps, let’s come over to you now. Tell me about your origins.
Snowcaps: Well sir, David is pretty much obsessed with snowmen. He collects them, you see. One day a few years back he spotted me in a Target store and the rest, ta-da, is history.
Blog: Well, I’m glad we caught you still on duty. Winter’s pretty much over, even in that frozen tundra known as Wisconsin. Will you be packed away soon for the off season?
Snowcaps: [COLD STARE]
Lion: Um, he doesn’t get packed away. And I think you pissed him off.
Blog: I think I agree. Sorry, Professor, I just assumed. No insult meant.
Snowcaps: I am never “packed away,” sir. The kitchen could not get along without me. Where would they keep the cookies, do you propose? The cookies that Diana often needs to fend off deadly insulin shock? Would you put them in the
toaster oven?
Blog: --um--
Snowcaps: In the blender, perhaps? Would you put the cookies in the
blender?
Lion: He’s just being rhetorical, Blog.
Blog: Got it. Um, well, my bad, Professor, seeing as clearly you are key to the proper functioning of the entire family.
Snowcaps: Clearly. Functional
and cute, which is more than we could say for some residents of the kitchen. Not that plastic with suede coating and a melty paw aren’t cute of course.
Blog: Sarcasm again?
Lion: Yup. Grrrrrrrr…
Blog: You guys must be a riot at the holidays. But really, you should both consider yourselves really special. You’re the only anthropomorphized residents of the kitchen, after all.
Lion: Professor, would Ceiling Cat count as anthropomorphized? You’re a professor, you should know.
Blog: Ceiling Cat?
Snowcaps: I would say yes, he would...but it remains to be seen how permanent a resident he becomes.
Blog: Ceiling Cat? Wha? Oh...yeah, I see it. Wow. That’s...very...
Lion: Random and quirky?
Blog: Yeah. But I’m afraid we’re out of page space for today. Readers, if you’d like me to come back and interview Ceiling Cat, please express your desire by clicking the “Yay!” box below.
Lion: Do it! Do it! Do it!
Snowcaps: Yes, do it.
Blog: Sarcasm again?
Lion: Not that time. Better put that in, since sarcasm doesn’t necessarily come across in type.
Snowcaps: Brilliant observation, Lion.
Lion: I OUGHTA!!!
Blog: Loud and clear, guys….that’s it for us today from Diana’s kitchen, which is just like the veldt.
Snowcaps and Lion: Sarcasm?
Blog: You be the judges.
