in which Midas encounters the fearsome Loki
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It may not be easy being green, but Midas can attest it’s even harder being solid gold. The Guinea Pig Posse, however, was forever trying to talk him out of hiding so much. “What are you so afraid of?” they frequently asked him.
“Being pignapped,” he would reply testily, as if it were obvious.
The Magic House cats truly were a bother--but other than that, the other guineas thought Midas was severely overestimating the dangers of their home. They assured him that during the cats’ nap times (which covered about 80% of the day), he could venture out without fear. “Honestly, Midas,” Iridessa pointed out, “there’s no one around here who cares if you’re made of gold.”
So at last they wore Midas out. He agreed to go on what Edward referred to as “the occasional short walkabout,” just to appease them.
As it turned out, this was not so wise after all.
Indeed, there was one denizen of Magic House of whom the guineas were not aware…but he knew all about them. And this fellow did care, a great deal, that Midas was made of gold. In fact, he thought possessing his own personal solid gold miniature guinea pig would be a very fine thing.
And wouldn’t you know it, on that very first occasional short walkabout, Midas found himself ambushed from behind and in the sinister clutches of none other than…
Loki, the 8th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time!
“Got you!” cried Loki, seizing Midas and lifting him into the air.
“Aieeee!” squealed Midas in a similar manner to Pee Wee Herman when he sees snakes.
“Damn, that’s high-pitched,” said Loki.
“Sorry,” said Midas, settling down into quiet tremors.
“You are just the thing I need to complete my treasure collection!” cried Loki with glee. He glanced to the right, where Midas saw a pile of treasure, rather untidily arranged.
“That’s just some fake pearls, an assortment of Canadian coins, and an obsolete flip phone,” the cavy pointed out in a low voice.
“So you see, you make a fine upgrade!” cried the villain, setting him on the ground. “Bow down before me!”
Midas blinked up at him and said, “Um…not to be rude, but guinea pig anatomy is sort of in a ‘bow down’ position by default.”
Loki studied him a moment. “I suppose that’s so,” he said. “Well, could you maybe, I don’t know…flop over on your side then?”
“Sure,” said Midas agreeably, and did so.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the other members of the Posse were engrossed with a large piece of lettuce they had scavenged when it fell from a countertop.
“Wow,” said Iridessa, “there’s enough here for all six of us!”
“Too bad there are only five of us present,” said Zorklotron, eating gustily.
Blanche looked around. “Where is Midas, anyway?”
Edward replied, “He’s on walkabout I believe. But he has been gone longer than I expected he’d last. Should we be worried?”
Fortunately, just around the corner from the kitchen there was a clear view of most of the first floor of Magic House—a handy feature of an open floor plan. So all the guinea pigs had to do was take a look, and they could see Midas in the distance, in Loki’s clutches.
“Dang,” said Macavy. “I thought that thing was just an immobile action figure from some random movie franchise.”
“This is Magic House,” said Blanche. “You know anything in this place can become animated if the plot requires it!”
“Oh shoot, it’s just like Midas said—he’s been pignapped!” shouted Iridessa. “C’mon, let’s go save him!”
But Edward held her back. “We’d best approach that dangerous-looking character with a weapon…or a bargaining tool…or possibly both.”
Zorklotron was squinting off into the distance, looking perplexed. “I’m not one hundred percent sure,” he said, “but I may have a solution. And if I’m right--”
Without further explanation, he took off across the floor with the other guinea pigs in hot pursuit.
Meanwhile, things had been getting worse for poor Midas. Loki chained him to the obsolete flip phone, and was concocting the most dreadful future for his new solid gold cavy.
“This calls for a feast—something posh where I can rub my newfound wealth in the face of my stuck-up brother Thor. Heck, now I can afford to wine and dine half the population of the planet Asgard!” Loki rubbed his hands together diabolically.
“But if you sell me,” remarked Midas, “you won’t be able to keep me in your treasure trove to show off. One of those have-your-cake-or-eat-it-too situations.”
Loki bent down at him menacingly, shouting, “More like a cake-or-DEATH situation!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!” squealed Midas.
Fortunately it was just then the Posse appeared without warning (which is amazing considering the aforementioned open floor plan of Magic House).
“Release that guinea pig!” cried Blanche with fury, leaping to Midas's side.
Loki turned a haughty eye to the five new arrivals. “Says who?” he scoffed.
Zorklotron stepped forward. “Says your old surfing buddy!” he cried with a grin.
Loki started and said, “Wait a tick—Zork, is that you?”
“In the flesh!”
“What in blazes are you doing on this planet?” cried Loki, scooping up Zorklotron and beaming at him.
“Been here awhile…hanging with my new friends, the Guinea Pig Posse.”
Macavy muttered what all the cavies were thinking: “Surfing buddy?”
“Oh yeah,” said Zorklotron. “We met on vacation a few years back, on the surfing planet of H2-ovia.”
Loki gave him a friendly shake and set him back down. “You should see this guy ride a phat tube. Nobody has sicker moves on a stick than Zork!”
“Well you’re no barney yourself, dude! You still ride that rad twin fin?”
Iridessa moaned, “Oh no, they’re speaking Celeristixian now for sure, aren’t they?”
Zork laughed, “No, Dessa, no—just surfer lingo. Cowabunga!”
Loki said “Cowabunga! Hey, dude, I could totally go for some margaritas! Does this place have a cantina?...or better yet, a tiki bar?”
In a meek voice, Midas said, “Um, Loki sir—does this mean you’ll let me go? Maybe unchain me from the obsolete flip phone?”
Loki considered this a moment, then said, “Oh what the hay—any brah of Zork’s is a brah of mine.”
“Margaritas for everyone!” yelled Iridessa with joy.
In no time they had set up a fine tiki bar for themselves with the Magic House glassware. Everything was a little large for the drinking purposes of miniature guinea pigs and an action figure of the 8th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time, but they made the best of it anyway.
“Great to have made a new friend,” said Blanche contentedly.
“Best walkabout ever!” agreed Midas.
“Plus,” added Loki with a villainous smile, “When you hang out with guinea pigs, they can’t help but bow to you all the freakin’ time!”