This year's homemade gifts featuring Business Cat!

Yes, Blog, I am now at liberty to reveal this year's homemade Christmas gifts! Whereas last year I had not one, not two, but three posts on gifts, I apologize for not quite so much volume. But hopefully they will still amuse.

I worked in a couple of new media this year, the first being metal sculpture: this Camera Eye Robot that I made for daughter Katie. It all started with one of those, spot-in-a-shop, declare-"I-can-make-that" situations, Blog. I tracked down the tiny old Japanese camera on eBay, and built the robot from various random parts and scraps I'd amassed. He's a goofy little character with a hook for a hand and buttons from an old calculator, but I think he's pretty lovable. And for sure that itty bitty camera is awesome--it actually works, I guess, and is only 1 1/2" high.

Also new to me, and I think it shows, is the key holder I made for Katie's boyfriend Chris out of wood. These two are fans of retro design as it is especially expressed on Route 66 (see their website and Chris's new book at www.fadingnostalgia.com). So I was going for "Googie" style--e.g., the famous Las Vegas sign--with this key holder. I bought a prefabricated plaque, then cut the parabolas and wedgie things out of balsa wood and glued them on. I stained the wood with watered-down acrylic paint and added edges and starbursts with Sharpie pen. I varnished it all and added screw in hooks. Not bad for a beginner I guess--and it would seem the height of modern to Fred Flintstone.

Time to move into a medium in which I'm more proficient: polymer clay. I also made Katie a Googie-style piece, a switchplate cover. I used a classic 50s palette, and this time threw in that old favorite, the kidney shape. It was fun trying to use a retro font for the lettering--sort of like on a neon sign--and I think it came out fairly well.

Clay-wise, I made a couple of other gifts this year that were really copied directly from other people's work, so I'm not going to show them off, even though they did turn out nicely. And I gave my hopefully-future-step-granddaughter all the stuff she needs to take up claying, so that will be very cool!

On to the needlecrafts....

Last year I made myself a felt camera case, and I'm flattered to say that pro photographer Chris kinda coveted one for his little "casual" camera ever since. So I got the measurements and made him one to fit, and here it is, Blog.

And the final, Really, Really Big Project required not only sewing, but a heck of a lot of Googling, brainstorming with myself, graphic work on the PC, and tedious cutting. In the end it was all worth it to give my husband Davie the gift of his dreams:  his own three-dimensional Business Cat.

Davie has been obsessed with this internet meme for a couple years now, to the point where--and I kid you not--he has been known to suddenly whisper "Business Cat" out loud for no apparent reason. So I simply had to find a way to make him one.

I was not about to try to make my own pattern for a stuffed cat that would look like the classic expressionless, round-eyed, all-black critter that is B.C. So I combed the internet and looked at every single black-furred feline available for purchase in the known world. The closest thing to the right look, sadly, was a tuxedo cat. So I actually had to dye his white parts black with copious amounts of fabric dye.

It wasn't too hard to design and make a white collar of cotton fabric. Even the tie wasn't difficult, although I put the plaid on the yellow fabric with felt-tip pens. No, the killer here was how to display the thing, in order to incorporate the hilarious captions that are Business Cat's claim to fame.  Like these to the right:


You don't even want to know the ideas I came up with and rejected before the ultimate solution came to me. Business Cat is displayed in an acrylic box made to house a mini replica football helmet, but tipped up on one end. The box "bottom" perfectly holds the caption sheets...25 of which I made to include in the B.C. set. Yes, I made 25 designs (did you know the classic font is Impact, which comes installed with Windows?), printed and trimmed them, and cut out all the openings with an Exacto knife while chatting with my visiting mother-in-law. Thanks heavens she was there to keep me sane.

Add printed backdrop and tie on nifty original tag, and MEOW, I mean VOILA: Davie has a pet Business Cat! Sing it to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus," people:

I want a 3D Business Cat for Christmas,

Only a 3D Business Cat will do!

Don't want a Honey Badger, or critter by Chuck Testa,

I only want a Business Cat 'cuz that meme is the besta,

And 3D Business Cat, he likes me too!

So, from the land of Christmas Crafting, Blog and I say "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Super Fantasgreat New Year!"

M.I.A.

Can you believe I've been away six weeks, Blog? Scandalous. I cannot hope to excuse THAT kind of absence, but for lack of anything better to post about, here's my feeble accounting for my long-term silence:

1. You know you can always count on my sharing my crafts, but everything I've been doing all this time is in the Top Secret No Reveal Till After Christmas category. If it helps you to deal with the suspense, here are some tiny hints:

--some of the stuff involves containers, some empty, some not
--some could be used as a weapon, or not
--there's pink

2.  I also know I like to talk about my writing, but I'm still on my long-term authoring hiatus. I did get to do the editing of this book though.  The writing is real nice, I can't wait to see the pictures!

3.  You have in the past enjoyed my sharing about my random nocturnal fantasies, but the storylines of those have been a bit thin lately.  But if you insist on knowing, there have been two I alternate between.

--The one in which I live in a little Jewish village in the early 20th century, have a crush on the town doctor, and get a job as his assistant. This makes more sense if you know that in real life I have a doctor who is Jewish and he's completely awesome.

--The one in which I am hired to do online research for the team of Mr. Finch and Mr. Reese of the show "Person of Interest." Because I really can't help being attracted to Michael Emerson regardless of the role he plays. (Yeah, and my husband meanwhile has a man-crush on Jim Caviezel, so we make quite the pair.)

4. There is an unbelievable quantity of great TV on right now that is simply too good to miss. I watch about 25 shows faithfully right now. Plus some football and hockey. Plus the occasional holiday special and/or "Income Property" rerun. Yes, that was 25 shows. And I'm picky, people--I cut out the shows that are just "good." Anyone who gripes that there's nothing on the Boob Tube these days needs to take another look...it's become just insane. And "Alcatraz" hasn't even started yet.

5. I've been getting too many kicks out of Facebook. It's so easy to share the thrilling stuff in my life there, I just don't get around to putting it here, Blog! Stuff like

--the fabulous drinks I've been making out of the Magic House bar
--video of our newest collectible snowman, "Spaceman" (pronounced "spa-CHAY-man" of course)
--pictures of my cats, oh heck, I'll show you one too, Blog

So I'm sure it's clear why I haven't been posting. If not, I'll spell it out for you, Blog:  L...A...Z...Y.  Perhaps I will do better in the new year.  At least you know after December 25 you'll be seeing some crafts here, including the pink part.

Can't you wait?  Till then, have some happy holidays!

The Toast-Powered Cat Levitation Device

Blog, we all know about the mind-blowing paradox of what would happen if you affixed a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and then dropped said cat. Because there are two immutable principles in the Universe:

1. A cat always lands on its feet.

2. Toast always lands buttered-side down.

I am not the first to theorize that were you to strap toast to a cat, the only possible result would be that it would remain suspended in the air. Now, what if you were to also contrive headgear for said cat that would allow it, via brainwaves, to control the direction of the contradictory cat/toast forces?

Well, you would undoubtedly get something like this:

Today I built an experimental scale model of the Toast-Powered Cat Levitation Device, including Toast Pack and Control Headgear. Don't tell me this isn't just awesome. In case you are too stunned to believe your own eyes, look again:

Sure enough, it IS real, Blog! In an artificial sort of way! And theoretical! No doubt you are dying to know how you too can make your own T-PCLD, because that is the natural human response to these photos. Never fear, I am here to provide complete directions.

1. The next time you throw away an old calculator, be sure to do as I did: take it apart and save the clear plastic circuitry sheet. Because you just never know, do you? Ditto the weird green bottle top, scraps of aluminum and brass, odd hardware doohickeys, leather lacing, and copper wire.

2. While it is possible to do this with real toast and a real cat, remember you are making a scale model and resist the temptation. Find a cat Beanie Baby and open a seam to remove the beans. (Q: What color are the beans in a Beanie Baby? A: Pearly white. Or as Davie would reply, "Magic.") Replace the beans with fiberfill stuffing, and resew the open seam. You may also want to replace the lame thread whiskers with nice springy ones made from Tiger Tail type beading wire, as I did. And take off the Ty tag, it will interfere with the brain waves.

3. Make a piece of buttered toast from polymer clay. This requires ivory and brown clay, textured with a toothbrush and needles, then painted toasty with brown eyeshadow. Make a nice melty butter pat of light yellow, and be sure to paint the pat with Future for shininess after baking your clay toast.

4. For the Toast Pack, curve the brass sheet around the cat's body. Determine the spot above the cat's body + equipment. Remove sheet from cat and drill a hole at the spot with your Dremel tool. Affix the circuitry sheet with a little Super Glue at the edges. Wrap with the aluminum strip. String colorless thread, doubled, or fishing line through the hole, and tie to a piece of bent wire inside the device. Secure wire and thread with clear packing tape. Mount toast to top of Toast Pack with Gorilla Glue.

5. For the Headgear, curl the wire with round pliers and bend into scientifically appropriate shape. Leave a long end to stick inside bottle top, threading also through weird hardware, which should fit snugly on the bottle top tip. Bend end of wire under head bracket to hold bracked in place against bottle top. Pack inside of bottle top with foil to secure wire in position. Run leather lacing through holes in head bracket, pulling tight to hold bracket snugly against wire and bottle top.

6. Slip the cat, hind legs first, into the Toast Pack. Put Headgear on the cat's head and tie leather lacing to secure. Tie the other end of the colorless thread or fishing line to a strong magnet. Now you can hang the cat from iron or steel objects, or use a large steel washer and pinch a flat mounting object between magnet and washer. It's portable! Of course!

Then let your cat fly and watch the amazing results. Birds beware! Dog, pooh on you! Firemen, no need for those tree rescues! NASA, eat your heart out! Okay, so that was hyperbole.

Blog, don't you love science? It's so exciting.

Saying goodnight to your cats

Blog, I seldom say goodnight to you (sorry), but I do very often say goodnight to my cats. Last night all three of them were in a rare mood to be curled up in adjacent areas, and as I made the rounds to give each a pet and a goodnight, I remarked upon the weird human custom of saying goodnight to our pets.

With cats in particular it has to be baffling. I can imagine them saying to themselves, "Geez, I've gone to sleep 35780 times in the past 24 hours, and I didn't feel obligated to say goodnight to anyone on any of those occasions. Not even the ones which actually occurred during the hours of darkness. What is it with these humans and their ridiculously simple sleep schedules and crazy customs?"

Selke did not say goodnight before conking out within the comforting confines of the wrought-iron side table legs.

Cody did not say goodnight before passing out on my computer keyboard.

Or underneath this patio chair.

This cat that I don't know probably didn't say goodnight either, before falling asleep under this squash.

I guess I have to admit, it would be bizarre if anytime a cat was ready to nod off, he or she felt obligated to say goodnight. That would be even more annoying than Selke's insistence on having a meowing fit during our favorite TV shows ("Selke, no talking during 'The Vanilla Ice Project'!")

Cats also don't seem to care about acknowledging that they are leaving the room for the night. Actually my husband Davie isn't always big on that either. At any rate, it's no slight when they slink off for parts unknown without so much as a fare-thee-well. Obviously they really don't get it.

Why then is it that I feel I ought not pad up the stairs to bed without a proper goodbye to at least those cats which I can locate? Honestly, my emotions tell me if I passed Pookie snoozing on the back of the couch without acknowledgment of some kind, she would be all "Sheesh, I guess I'm chopped liver! And oooh, that sounds good. Later maybe ...zzzzz."

In point of fact, saying goodnight to cats is not for the cats, it's for us humans. Well, it's for us humans who lock their cats out of the bedroom, anyway. No point in saying it if the door is open, because the feline(s) in question will most likely join you at some point while you are a-slumber. But for people like me, we feel like we are leaving the poor little furry creatures alone for the night, deprived of our companionship...practically shunning them with our closed door and our refusal to acknowledge (in the case of Pookers) their proud howling at having caught and exterminated that jingle ball.

Actually, I think it's a nice custom, foolish or no. Once each night we get to acknowledge by that little gesture our bond with our pets, and remind ourselves how much a part of our lives they are. And I'm just silly enough to think that maybe, in some corner of Cody, Selke, and Alice's little brains, they are glad about it. I like to think they really do miss me during the eight hours I spend so quietly behind the bedroom door.

Selke the cat and her Powervom

[Queasiness warning: this post is more silly than graphic, but do not read it while eating your breakfast.]

In the photo you see our cat Cody posing with our cat Selke, to give you a sense of feline scale.  Selke is petite, Blog.  She is really tiny, like your average bag lunch.  That's why I'm so amazed at her capacity to produce vom.

Selke is somehow capable of generating pretty much her own weight in puke after a meal.  That is why I want to officially declare that Selke's superpower, if she were to apply for superhero status, would definitely be her Powervom.

Our third cat Pookie, who is a long-haired Norwegian Forest Cat, produces the occasional hairball for which one can hardly blame her.  She is 75% fluff after all.  Cody throws up once every six months or so, completely soundlessly.  That's because he's awesome.  And yes, he's my favorite cat ever (and my family is very tired of hearing that.)

Selke is not soundless, which is a good thing, because you need to be able to track her behind bookshelves, under tables, and through piles of electronics wiring when she is in Powervom Mode.  She is not one to do the job all at once, even though sometimes the initial quantity makes you think so.

There is always more vom.

There is another great mystery about this situation, Blog:  How Selke manages to subsist on the amount she eats minus the amount she hurls.  Science would tell you she should be the size of a small gerbil by now, but this is not the case. 

I guess that's just the supernatural wonder of the Powervom at work.

And lastly, there is a third great mystery:  why we humans actually like our pets in spite of things like this.  Believe me, we are rooting for Selke to decide to turn in her superhero cape and set aside the magic of the Powervom, but until then, we continue to feed her.  Even though every time we do, it feels like a terrible mistake.

Fear not, readers, this video is not of the Powervom.  It's a nice, festive holiday video of Selke in a battle to the death with her reindeer antlers.

You do not want to be exposed to the Powervom.  Believe me.

Let them eat cake...or cat grass

You know, Blog, I’m sure my weekend report will make our friend the Randometer proud. I watched Stanley Cup Finals hockey, went to a Pirate Festival, made a cake of polyclay and watched my cats eat grass. I’m sure even if you weren’t a disembodied yet anthropomorphized being, you couldn’t have done better, randomness-wise.

I want to report in full on this poly-cake business. I’m a participant in a monthly challenge by crafter June aka ACreativeDreamer, called the Creativity Invitation. Every month June comes up with a theme, and creative types from all over the Web contribute their creations. For the very first month, the theme is “Let Them Eat Cake.”

Well, it just so happens that for a long time I’ve wanted to make a polymer clay cake. Fondant is so much like polymer clay, you know, Blog? So June didn’t have to ask me twice. I decided as long as I was making a polyclay dessert, why not do it right and make it chocolate? So my little cake is covered in chocolate clay frosting festooned with chocolate clay roses from white to that kind that’s 80% cacao, woo, cacao! Ironically though, no clay fondant on this cake.

But not only is it a cake, it’s a box! Which of course makes it a cakebox! What a groovy mash-up, hey Blog? I used a small round box just shy of 3” in diameter, made out of stiff cardboard, which I got from the dollar bins at Michael’s awhile back. Since polymer clay bakes at 270 degrees, using a paper box like this is no problem.

Davie thought it looked like a Ding Dong until I put the roses on. One could make a polyclay Ding Dong if one wanted to, Blog. Umm, I could go for a Ding Dong right now.

To me my Chocolate Cakebox most certainly passes the litmus test of looking good enough to eat, which of course Alice tried to do, as you see here. Although to a cat like our Pookie, as she is also known, anything looks appetizing. Think the fact that it’s plastic will deter her? Remember, this is the cat who ate an entire pair of fleece pants.

But far more appropriate for cat dining is our new discovery, cat grass. As you know, Blog, when our cats are on the patio they can be tempted to leave the Permitted Concrete Zone by the succulent-looking lawn that lies beyond the hedge. I was thinking we should look into growing some grass in a nice patio pot so they wouldn’t have to break the rules in order to dine al fresco.

And last time we were at Stein’s, lo and behold, at the checkout counter Davie noticed a display of cat oats. I planted them in a basket on the patio and in a week or two the things were crazy thriving already. This weekend we finally had a dry day to let the felines out, and boy, do they dig this cat grass.

If our readers want to similarly treat their cats, I found some cat grass here for sale on Amazon. You may also be able to find it at your local garden center or pet supply store. Look for oats like this especially, as they are very good for cats (dogs too!).

I wonder if next month’s Creativity Invitation will lend itself so well to a mash-up weekend, Blog. We, and the Randometer, can only hope.

Okay, yeah, here’s Ceiling Cat!

Dear Blog, by popular demand we are revisiting my kitchen so you can talk to the third resident there, Ceiling Cat. Clearly our readers have a healthy (or at least avid) interest in the going-on in the kitchen. So carry on, Blog!

Blog: Thanks, Diana. I for one am glad the readers wanted to give Ceiling Cat his day. C-Cat, what’s the backstory here?

Ceiling Cat: The Ceiling Cat concept sprung from the popular “LOLcats” movement, log, just like other famous concepts including “monorail cat,” “ur doing it rong” and of course “I can has cheezburger?” As opposed to Basement Cat, feline lord of the underworld, I am the furry personification of beneficence. And also moralistic spying.

Blog: So you look down from above, watching over us, right?

Ceiling Cat: You could say that. Or you could just say “watching you.”

Blog: So, more like the Geico money with the googly eyes.

Ceiling Cat: Only in a broader sense, not merely financial.

Blog: Got it. So, how did Diana come to install her own personal 3D Ceiling Cat in her kitchen?

Ceiling Cat: Thanks to the wondrous interwebs, she learned about a blog that offered me as a free download, easy to print and construct. It only took her about 20 minutes to assemble me, her only tools being scissors and gluestick.

Blog: She’s pretty handy though...can mere mortals manage to make one of you for themselves?

Ceiling Cat: It’s not like I’m Herbert G, Blog.

Blog: True. And the creator of your pattern was certainly extremely clever.

Ceiling Cat: A genius, indeed.

Blog: So, I notice that you speak quite articulate English. I kind of expected LOLspeak from you, just like in the LOLcat thingys.

Ceiling Cat: “Thingys.” Yes, I am more articulate than some, Blog.

Blog: Um, yeah.

Ceiling Cat: But of course I speak fluent LOLspeak as well. Would your readers like a demonstration perhaps?

Blog: By all means, LOL away.

Ceiling Cat: OH HAI! IM IN UR CEILIN, NOMMING UR INSALASHUN.

Blog: That is impressive! I wish I could speak LOLcat like that!

Ceiling Cat: Fortunately, the interwebs offer a translator, speaklolcat.com. CEILIN CAT IZ WATCHIN U, PROFESOR SNOWCAPS. BE NICE 2 KITCHUN LION.

Blog: Coming through loud and clear, C-Cat. So, how long do you expect to remain there on the kitchen ceiling?

Ceiling Cat: CAT IN CEILIN IZ CUTE 2 HUMANZ. I mean, I seem to appeal to Diana and Davie, so I’m hoping for a long tenure. And someone has to keep an eye on those other two.

Blog: Do you ever wonder why Diana and Dave haven’t named the blender yet?

Ceiling: Don’t give them any ideas, Blog.