The Magnificent Seven aka my all-male fantasy team

Blog, fans of my books know that I get a lot of inspiration from my celebrity crushes. I've also written elsewhere that oftentimes my fantasies feature a couple of guys vying for my attention (hey, if it can happen to Bella and Katniss, it can happen to me).

Well, nothing succeeds like excess, so I said to myself, "Why stop at two guys? Really, is there a limit to the number of attractive men you'd want vying for your attention?" Actually, Blog, there is: and the number is seven. More than that and a girl just can't keep track.

So, I put together my team of truly awesome celebrity crushes, all of whom have at various times been the stars of my daydreams, and voila...The Magnificent Seven. You may think of them as a Leverage-esque team (referring to the TNT show) that provides the various and sundry talents necessary for my complete range of romantic/adventurous scenarios. Or you may think of them in Jungian terms (referring to the developer of psychoanalytic theory), as various manifestation of my animus. Either way, they make a stunning group.

Let me introduce the Magnificent Seven:

The Mastermind: Sherlock Holmes (aka Benedict Cumberbatch of the BBC/Masterpiece show "Sherlock").

My most recent crush is on this enigmatic, charismatic genius, portrayed in the updated version as an expert in technology (i.e., really good at using a cell phone). As a British interpretation of the same literary character who inspired America's Dr. House, he is self-absorbed, egotistical, and manipulative, only with much more charm and refinement.

This is the kind of personality that (1) captivates you with his brilliance, and (2) makes a woman dream of taming him and improving his character. Blog, in my fantasy plots look for him to solve mysteries, attempt to hide his undying devotion to me, and run the operation by sheer egotism.

The Healer: Dr. James Wilson (aka Robert Sean Leonard, late of the show "House").

Wilson, who was the Dr. Watson-style sidekick to House, was the member of the team with heart and conscience. As a particularly nurturant character, he's long been the one I turned to in my fantasies when I needed comfort or relief. He's definitely a representative of the Knight in Shining Armor archetype, and every pantheon of dream men needs one of those.

Expect, Blog, that I run to Wilson when hurt, confused, or irritated at one of the other guys. I can endure the sexy capriciousness of Sherlock as long as I have Wilson to turn to.

The Science Geek: Jack Hodgins (aka T.J. Thyne, from the show "Bones").

Hodgins has been in my stable of fantasy men for awhile now--I just can't resist a guy who's good in the lab, particularly if he's funny and has curly hair. Perhaps he's more adorable than sexy, but adorable goes a long way. Hodgins is super smart but also a tenderhearted, nice guy.

Blog, watch for Hodgins to explain some of the universe's mysteries, provide comic relief, and be a true friend when I need a more lighthearted shoulder to cry on than Wilson's.

The Computer Geek: Harold Finch (aka Michael Emerson, from the show "Person of Interest").

Michael Emerson invaded my brain and heart while playing the role of Ben Linus on "Lost." While this newer character is not quite so powerful (largely because he's a good genius rather than an evil one), Michael is always captivating in any role. On "P of I" he acts almost as God, overseeing the entire population of New York City and intervening to protect the innocent from harm. That kind of stuff is great archetypal fodder for sure.

Mr. Finch will be serving a dual role as both introverted genius and guardian angel. He has the cred to be Mastermind himself were he not so private, so expect him to butt heads with Sherlock more than once.

The Musician: Christian (aka Christian Borle, Broadway star and Tom on the show "Smash").

In this case I'm having to invent a bit of a new character rather than just going with composer Tom Levitt, for the simple reason that Tom is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I kind of need my romantic fantasy guys to like girls, that is, me. Plus it happens that Christian himself is a straight guy. Anyway, as a Broadway fan I just have to have a team member who can sing, act, play the piano, etc. To top it off, Christian is cute, sweet and funny.

Besides providing entertainment, Christian's role will be reminiscent of Tom's (and likewise that of Emmett, the romantic lead he played in "Legally Blonde"): he'll be a great counselor. I envision him providing tremendous support in a crisis as well as insightful day-to-day advice.

The Bodyguard: Eliot Spencer (aka Christian Kane, from the show "Leverage").

Yes, Blog, I stole him from the Leverage team. I find Eliot an absolutely marvelous character, because he may be the brawn of the operation (read: 99% invincible in a fight), but he's also really intelligent, sensitive, a little mysterious, and absolutely hilarious. He's got a spine of iron and is practically fearless, which I find extremely inspirational. But you can also count on him to take a stand for right, with strong but quiet determination.

Look for Eliot to be humorously annoyed by Sherlock but make friendships with the other low-key heroes: Wilson and Mr. Finch.

The Gentleman: Matthew Crawley (aka Dan Stevens, from the show "Downton Abbey").

Why does a woman need Matthew on the team? Other than the blue eyes, boyish good looks, and great accent? For pretty much the same reason why chicks always dig aristocratic British men from other periods (see also Mr. Darcy). Seriously though, Blog...Matthew is another white knight type who Does the Right Thing, albeit a flawed one. He's also a shining example of good manners and fine vocabulary. Any drama a person invents could use some of those elements, true?

Matthew will be cutting quite the romantic figure, I'm sure. And while he won't always agree with Sherlock's approach, they will share some aspects of British heritage and attitude, which is bound to create some fun.

Go team.

So, I've already "shot"--that is, imagined--the first two episodes of "The Magnificent Seven." in Ep 1:01, the boys arrived at my house, eyed each other with curiosity, and let Eliot tend bar (which I appreciated a lot because it left me free to ogle). In Ep. 1:02, Sherlock pronounced himself in charge and proceeded to look at each man and predict the role they would play in my life going forward. Believe you me, Blog, that inspired some priceless dialogue.

[Sidebar: I can do spot-on impersonations of voices in my imagination. I'm wondering if this is a common ability or if I'm weird in that way? Readers?]

I think one more solid episode like the first two, and the "network" will be ordering a full season.  

M.I.A.

Can you believe I've been away six weeks, Blog? Scandalous. I cannot hope to excuse THAT kind of absence, but for lack of anything better to post about, here's my feeble accounting for my long-term silence:

1. You know you can always count on my sharing my crafts, but everything I've been doing all this time is in the Top Secret No Reveal Till After Christmas category. If it helps you to deal with the suspense, here are some tiny hints:

--some of the stuff involves containers, some empty, some not
--some could be used as a weapon, or not
--there's pink

2.  I also know I like to talk about my writing, but I'm still on my long-term authoring hiatus. I did get to do the editing of this book though.  The writing is real nice, I can't wait to see the pictures!

3.  You have in the past enjoyed my sharing about my random nocturnal fantasies, but the storylines of those have been a bit thin lately.  But if you insist on knowing, there have been two I alternate between.

--The one in which I live in a little Jewish village in the early 20th century, have a crush on the town doctor, and get a job as his assistant. This makes more sense if you know that in real life I have a doctor who is Jewish and he's completely awesome.

--The one in which I am hired to do online research for the team of Mr. Finch and Mr. Reese of the show "Person of Interest." Because I really can't help being attracted to Michael Emerson regardless of the role he plays. (Yeah, and my husband meanwhile has a man-crush on Jim Caviezel, so we make quite the pair.)

4. There is an unbelievable quantity of great TV on right now that is simply too good to miss. I watch about 25 shows faithfully right now. Plus some football and hockey. Plus the occasional holiday special and/or "Income Property" rerun. Yes, that was 25 shows. And I'm picky, people--I cut out the shows that are just "good." Anyone who gripes that there's nothing on the Boob Tube these days needs to take another look...it's become just insane. And "Alcatraz" hasn't even started yet.

5. I've been getting too many kicks out of Facebook. It's so easy to share the thrilling stuff in my life there, I just don't get around to putting it here, Blog! Stuff like

--the fabulous drinks I've been making out of the Magic House bar
--video of our newest collectible snowman, "Spaceman" (pronounced "spa-CHAY-man" of course)
--pictures of my cats, oh heck, I'll show you one too, Blog

So I'm sure it's clear why I haven't been posting. If not, I'll spell it out for you, Blog:  L...A...Z...Y.  Perhaps I will do better in the new year.  At least you know after December 25 you'll be seeing some crafts here, including the pink part.

Can't you wait?  Till then, have some happy holidays!

Let's play Imaginary Rock Band

This is an old favorite game of mine, Blog, but I have a feeling I may be one of 17 people on the planet who does it. I'm hoping someone will comment and admit they've done it too, so I don't feel it's just my warped imagination at work. Or perhaps others will give it a try after getting the suggestion. Anyhoo...

Hugh: bass guitar, keyboards and vocals

Imaginary Rock Band entails casting a band with some celebrity favorites and letting them play in your head along with actual music. I will illustrate that confusing statement now. The other day I was listening to my iPod in the car and "Authority Song" by Jimmy Eat World came on. Jim Adkins' voice is just so cute and fun, it brought to mind another cute and fun celebrity (upon whom I do have a bit of a crush), T.J. Thyne from "Bones." I started picturing him as lead singer in place of Jim, and decided he could play rhythm guitar. I have no idea if T.J. can play guitar in real life but there are certainly no photos of him doing so, unlike Hugh Laurie, who is an actual musician. Here's Hugh with a guitar, and everyone knows he's fabulous at the piano.

Danny: lead guitar

I'm pretty fond of "House M.D." too, so it seemed only natural to put Hugh in the band. Meanwhile, I got this conviction that the lead guitarist really needed to be Danny Pudi, aka Abed on "Community." You see him as a quirky, funny guy, but I see him as having "dark and mysterious rock star" potential. I even found this photo of him pulling a "dark and mysterious rock star" face, so there, Blog. So Danny plays the awesome lead guitar in stoic silence, which leaves Hugh to the bass and vocals. And keyboards when needed, of course.

Scott: drums, backup vocals

And leaves me needing a drummer. You wouldn't guess in ten attempts, so don't even try, Blog. I chose Scott McGillivray, the handsome star of HGTV's "Income Property" and stuff. I can see him on the drums! Well, obviously I can.

So, dear readers, crank up your brain and picture these four performing "Authority Song," with me singing back up. T.J. really rocks this number. What a blast. However, next up on my iPod comes "We're Not in Kansas" by Big Country. Too dark and gravelly for the perky T.J. However, Hugh pulled it off nicely in my head, probably because House is a messed-up guy, like I guess Stuart Adamson was (R.I.P.). Anyway, I'm pretty sure these four guys can do a decent job with a large percentage of rock songs. As I type this, Cat Galaxy Radio is playing "Woodstock" by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, and that works.

T.J.: rhythm guitar, vocals

Well...now "Lady, You Bring Me Up" by Lionel Richie is on, so that's not working.

But if I hear a song with a chick singing lead, so much the better! Then I get to perform with the band. I'd just love to do Linda Ronstadt's "When Will I Be Loved?" and share a mike with T.J. for that classic opening line. "I've been cheated...been mistreated..." Now that would be sweet, Blog.

All right people, give me some comfort here and cast a couple of your celebrity faves in a rock band! You'll be glad you did!

My Impossible Christmas List

Blog, in these days of high tech toys and other luxuries, a person needs to pause and consider the more elusive things we all wish for come this holiday time. No, I'm not talking about world peace, an end to hunger and homelessness, or other such altruistic dreams...I'm far too self-centered for that. I'm talking about that list of dream gifts that each of us has, items that even Santa couldn't bring to us because they're more or less impossible to hope for.

So, because I'm self-centered enough to think our readers might care, here's my personal Impossible Christmas List for 2010:

1.  That blue creature in the AT&T Windows phone commercials. He has beady eyes, tiny limbs, a fun mouth, and says "Wow-wow-wow. Wow." Neither does the Blue Guy exist in real life, there are no plush versions available for purchase. The best I can do is hope that the commercial remains available on YouTube forever so I can watch it occasionally to see my little pal. [Let's give a shout out to YouTube for existing, shall we?]

2.  A class at Greendale Community College taught by Dr. Linus. Imagine the good version of that oh-so-conflicted character from "Lost," Ben Linus, standing at the white board of some classroom you could share with Jeff, Abed, and the crew from "Community." At some point Abed would observe in his adorable deadpan, "This is a cross-network mashup of comedy and drama, I wonder if we should be funny or inscrutable." I would say, "This is a cross-network fantasy incorporating two of my TV dream guys, I wonder if I should flirt with Abed or Dr. Linus." [I am grateful though to have lived in the time of "Lost" and that "Community" did not get cancelled after one season.]

3.  Having said class be a course in my books called "Diana Laurence 101." Imagine Dr. Linus doing literary analysis on the stories in Soulful Sex: The Darker Side. Because that's one of my favorites and I wish romance readers everywhere had a copy. Dr. Linus would say, "Your assignment for tomorrow, class, is to read 'Kiss Me and Other Commands' and be prepared to talk about what you would do if you had Bix's powers." Neato, Blog. [Grateful though that I was able to write that book, because it was big fun.]

4.  A giant treehouse. I love trees. I love houses. I love treehouses. You're up high and there are leaves right outside your windows. I know it's not impossible to live in a treehouse... someone lives in this one. But as we are not willing to move out of Magic House and have almost no yard, there will not be a treehouse in our future, Blog. [Fortunately, Magic House is the next best thing to a treehouse, I think.]

5.  The NFL making a decision in the Brett Favre sexting case. Now this, apparently, really IS impossible, Blog. Still, I wish it could happen. [Thank heavens this happened with my arch-nemesis player rather than a hero... love ya, Guy Carbonneau!]

6.  Lots and lots of cats. Sadly, there is a limit to the reasonable number of cats a person can own if she lives indoors and not outside on a 100 acre ranch or something. I would love it if we could alter the space/time continuum so that I could adopt every cat that I see that is cute in perpetuity. Eventually I would own thousands of cats. I would need to work 300-hour weeks to make enough to house and feed said cats, which is why this item is on the Impossible Christmas List.[Happily, I only have to work a little bit to feed Cody, Alice and Selke. And I'm not allergic to cats which would be the saddest thing ever, Blog.]

7.  A food that tastes like chocolate covered potato chips but is the healthiest thing you can possibly eat. Or maybe like crullers. [Can I get a hell's-yeah for the invention of the cruller?]

8.  Working pancreases for diabetics everywhere. See, I can get altruistic, Blog! As one myself, I know how awesome it would be to wake up tomorrow with my functioning pancreas back. [Nevertheless, Navie my continuous glucose monitor is the next best thing, so hooray for him...and I wish diabetics everywhere could have one too.]

9.  The Swarovski crystal tiger only costing $34.95. I saw this tiger in Las Vegas and coveted it. It costs about $450.  Now Blog, you may be thinking, "Why not just put the tiger on the list?" Well first of all, that's not impossible. It just costs $450. I don't want myself or anyone paying the amount that could get you a nice flat-screen TV for a crystal tiger. I want the beautiful tiger to only cost $34.95, and then I'd buy it myself. [Happily, it costs me less than $450 to sponsor our live tiger, Kahn, for a year, and that comes guilt-free.]

10. All my blog followers and Facebook friends from around the world at Magic House for a fantastic party with my fabulous family. Blog, it's incredible how many people I've met on the interwebs have become great friends of mine, and how much I depend upon their comradeship and support on a daily basis. It would be swell to crank the Neverending Ubiquitous Patio Party Playlist on my iPod, crack open the bounteous Magic House bar, and host the whole gang face-to-face.

However, I do have an iPod (new this year), a bounteous bar, all those fantastic friends, and that fabulous family. So even if I can't have the stuff on my Impossible Christmas List, I don't have a single complaint.

The most romantic date ever imagined

Blog, if Christmas isn’t a time for romantic fantasies, I don’t know when is. Having a doozy sort of imagination, I came up with a doozy, which in the interest of holiday cheer I thought I’d share with our readers. Everyone has his or her own concept of the most romantic date ever, and I hope today’s post will inspire others to do their own Christmas dreaming a little early this year.

Of course a girl has to start with her current crush in the role of protagonist. Mine this year is Jack Hodgins from “Bones,” played by the inimitable T.J. Thyne. (I know he just married Angela on the show, but I’m married in actual real life, so what’s your point, Blog?) In order to pull off this dreamy holiday date, a guy would have to be unrealistically aware of feminine hopes and dreams, as well as loaded with a ton of disposable income. Neither T.J. nor Jack really qualify I imagine, but look...if I were going for plausibility here I would simply go out with the awesome Davie (my husband, that Davie).

Okay, let’s roll it...

Jack announces to me that he has planned the ideal Christmastime date, and it starts at the mall. Yes, the mall, don’t roll your eyes, Blog. He’s found a fantasy mall that is just about the most festive shopping scene you could imagine. Every shop in the place is decked out in holiday splendor, and there’s a fairy tale castle in the food court inhabited by the perfect Santa and the coolest elves. We’re holding hands and window shopping, when suddenly around us people start singing “Welcome Christmas” from “The Grinch.” You know, like one of those viral videos where regular people in the place turn out to be this fantastic choir incognito. It’s glorious! Jack and I sing along and grin at each other and I weep a few tears of joy.

Well, Jack tells me he has a little “private shopping” to do, and he drops me off at a salon. The beauticians have been prepped in advance to do a fabulous makeover on me, hair and nails and makeup, the whole bit. It’s a complete Fairy Godmother scene. I can’t imagine where I could go looking so fancy. Well, as they finish up with me, a couple of big packages are delivered to the salon, all wrapped up in spectacular paper and bows. One is this gorgeous ivory cashmere wrap, and the other is a gown with matching shoes. It’s mocha colored and glittery and shimmery and I love it. I put it on and model it for the salon folks, and just then who should show up but Jack.

He’s staring at me like a man possessed, and murmurs, “You look perfect.” I blush and feel like a million and a half dollars. I say, “You got me these presents, didn’t you?” He nods and says, “Yeah, and this one,” and holds out another package. I unwrap it, and it’s a necklace, bracelet and earrings with those chocolate diamonds and pearls that I’ve seen advertised on TV and know are too expensive for a sane person to buy. They are also perfect with the gown. Jack helps me put the jewelry on, and the salon staff all claps, and I’m speechless.

“Now,” says Jack, extricating himself from my crazed embrace, “you look so great you have to go somewhere.” He tells me there’s a limo waiting for me outside the mall, which will take me to our next destination, where he’ll be waiting for me. Stunned, I agree to follow his directions. Jack takes off with a look of glee on his face, and I say farewell to my friends in the salon and go out the back door to where a beautiful black limo is parked, sure enough.

The limo driver is that cool cabbie from “How I Met Your Mother,” and he’s super nice. He settles me in the back like a real footman, and off we go. We drive through the city streets and I admire all the Christmas lights and try to guess where we could possibly be going. He takes a bit of a scenic route but I don’t mind; the limo is playing Christmas music and I keep looking at my necklace and bracelet and wonder how it’s possible those gorgeous things are on my body.

Finally we pull up to this fabulous art deco building that has a big stairway leading up to the front entrance. It looks like an opera house or something equally elegant. The driver lets me out, and then I see Jack coming down the stairs towards me. He’s in a tuxedo and looks beyond dreamy. Which I tell him. He just smiles secretively and takes my hand, and we go up the stairs and into the building.

Inside there is a fabulous ballroom, decked out in Christmas trees and holly boughs and candlelight. A big band is playing “Christmas Waltz,” and the room is full of dancers in their finery. Jack and I dance, flying across the floor as if we’re on “Dancing with the Stars” or something. And so it goes, we dance and drink champagne and eat lovely little canapés and cookies, and stroll around admiring the decorations and enjoying the music, and dancing some more.

Then the band pauses, and Jack excuses himself with a sly look, and heads towards the stage. Next thing I know, he’s at the microphone saying, “I have a holiday dedication for a very special lady, so I hope you all won’t mind if I sing this next one.” The crowd looks excited and happy, the band strikes up “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” and Jack starts to sing.

His voice is amazing, and all the time he’s looking at me with this tender expression and that smile of his that just makes me crazy. I feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet. When he’s done the crowd goes crazy, and he comes back to me and kisses me in front of everyone.

Well, at this point, Blog, I figure I must simply have died and gone to heaven. But the night isn’t over yet. After a few more dances, a little more champagne, Jack asks if I’m ready for our next stop. I can’t believe there is a next stop. But he gets my wrap and puts it around my shoulders, and we go back outside where there’s another limo waiting, a white one this time.

We cuddle up inside and drink some hot cocoa, and take a long drive past more beautifully decorated buildings and shops and parks. At last we pull up to this fancy hotel, and the car comes to a stop.

So yes, we have a room at this fantastic hotel, a special, immense Christmas room that has a real tree in it all decorated, and a fireplace with a roaring fire, and little white lights all over the ceiling like stars. There’s another present sitting on the bed, and I open it to find a beautiful ivory satin negligee. Jack and I get ready for bed, and snuggle together, and I go off about what an incredible time it all was that I will never, ever forget. Jack tells me, “I know you won’t, I made sure about that...but that’s a surprise for morning.” I can’t imagine what he means, and I’m too exhausted to ponder it for long, and fall asleep in his arms.

The next morning room service brings us a fabulous breakfast, and set it out on the table in our room, with red and white roses and more champagne and wonderful coffee. We linger a long time over the meal, talking about the night before and how nuts we are for each other and other cheerful subjects. Then there’s a knock at the door and Jack returns with another wrapped gift. “Here’s what I promised you last night,” he says, and gives it to me.

When I open the package I find inside a beautiful scrapbook. Inside it’s full of unbelievably perfect photographs of everything that happened the previous day: the singing at the mall, my makeover, me in the gown opening the jewelry, Jack at the top of the ballroom stairs, us dancing, him singing with the band, everything. “I hired two professional photographers to stalk us,” says Jack, “and a graphic designer to stay up all night putting that book together.”

Well, isn’t that just the capper, Blog? What kind of guy would think of such an amazing idea? Well, a guy I dreamed up, I guess, Blog. Sigh. You know, if I could just borrow T.J. Thyne to do a fake photoshoot to create that scrapbook, that in and of itself would be super fantastic.

I love Christmastime romantic fantasies, don’t you? Anyone out there have a holiday date idea I left out? Want to tell me who you’d pick for your fantasy date? Anyway, I hope my doozy imagination inspired a few people to do some Christmas dreaming.

Put yourself out there

Blog, today I've got a nugget of advice to share with my blog followers who are aspiring artists of any kind.  Yeah, it's those four words in the title of this post, and I'm living proof that if you put yourself out there as much as you can, something good always comes of it.

It's funny how life works.  You can push, push, push, with no results:  send out query letters, enter contests, buy advertising for your stuff, etc. and achieve nothing but a lot of rejections slips and flat website tracking on your Google Analytics charts.  But then out of the blue, from some little thing you did so long ago you forgot about it, big fat results occur.  In fact, it's likely you'll never even know what it was you did that brought those magical results!

Blog, let me illustrate with a few examples from my experience.

An Amazon bestseller

I started writing erotic romance fiction as Diana Laurence in 2004.  My first published book was the ebook version of Soulful Sex: Erotic Tales of Fantasy and Romance.  In 2004 I did an awful lot of things to try to promote my work, but nothing generated sales even close to one completely freakish fact:  When you searched for "erotic romance" in Amazon's ebook store, my book showed up right at the top.  I suppose that was due to the title, but I was never sure why.  Consequently though, that book was in the top ten romance ebooks sold on Amazon for 18 months.  (I like to think the fact that it was good and received an Eppie nomination--the Oscar of ebooks--helped, but to be honest, I don't know!)

A convention appearance

In 2005, when I was still just starting out writing romance, I got an email from the publisher of Romantic Times Book Review magazine, a very famous lady in the biz.  She wanted to know if I would appear on a panel on erotic romance at the upcoming annual convention that the publication sponsors, the best-attended in the romance field.  Trust me, Blog, among the names of those invited to appear at this con, I was absolutely an upstart.  To this day I don't know what I had done to attract the woman's attention, except that back then I tried to promote my books in every way I could, including blogging and doing guest essays and columns.  I may have given the impression I was more of an expert that was truly accurate....  But at any rate, appearing at the convention in Florida with those famous authors was quite a thrill.

Bad news becomes good

Also in 2005, my publisher went out of business, just as I was about to release the third volume of Soulful Sex stories.  Was I bummed?  You bet, Blog.  But on the advice of my publisher I decided my best course of action was to start publishing my books myself, ebooks and print books and all.  It was a lot of work at first, but all became worth it very fast.  My profits were suddenly like five times more per book I sold, plus I had complete control of editing, production, promotion and sales.  That bad news turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to my writing career.

A Google hit and handy coincidence

In 2007 when I released my novel Bloodchained, I encountered another fortuitous search engine situation.  At that time, when you googled "vampire romance," my book came up on the first page.  Why, I can't begin to guess.  However, by sheer coincidence, it was right about then that another vampire romance, Twilight, maybe you've heard of it, was becoming a hit.  So a whole lotta peeps were googling "vampire romance," Blog.  For a time that book sold even faster than Soulful Sex had.  I wish it still came up that high on Google....

One online essay, one sweet publishing deal

In 2009 I was contacted by a midsized independent publisher and invited to write a book for them on taming vampires.  The editor had searched on that term to find an author to flesh out the idea she had for a new title.  The search turned up an essay I had written years before for the Novelspot website.  My treatment of the subject matter impressed her.  I got the gig, and How to Catch and Keep a Vampire turned out to be the biggest book this publisher had ever tackled.  I earned a nice big advance, the book sold in countries all over the world, and it even got picked up by Target stores.  All because I wrote an essay and offered it for free to a website.

An email from China

This year I was contacted by a book agent in China about the translation and publishing rights for my Bloodchained books.  I still have no idea why she picked me and my books as having appeal in the People's Republic, Blog.  But I signed a contract and in no time flat she had found a publisher for both books.  I was paid royalties up front on the full press run for the two titles, quite a wonderful sum, especially when I didn't have to do any additional work!  And now I'll have my first titles translated into a foreign language...Chinese, of all things!

Just because I put myself out there, Blog.

internet phenomena and failed completely.  I've sent countless article proposals to magazines without a nibble.  I've won a few contests, but lost dozens.

It certainly seems that the harder I push, the fewer results follow...while when I'm just going along doing my regular writing thang, miracles drop from the sky.  Well, one clarification there, Blog:  I'm not saying laziness is the way.  I'm saying that you just have to keep doing things, putting your art out there wherever and however you can, like sewing seeds.  I've worked my butt off, in fact.  However, what amuses me no end is how success comes when I least expect it, and from the most surprising sources.

Aspiring artists out there in Blogland, keep on keepin' on!  Love what you're doing no matter what results you see, and someday something really amazing will happen to you.  You just watch.

Contest winner...And you go, Seth Green!

Yay, Blog, we have a winner in our who-was-your-celebrity-crush-when-you-were-15 contest.  Rachel Bland will receive a paperback copy of my novel The Resurrection of Captain Eternity.  And I think our Random Number Generator was tapped into karma or something, because she was having a bad day and really needed some cheerful news.  So double yay for that!  By the way, Rachel's crush was the inimitable Michael Jackson, and who can argue with that pick.

Between the comments on the blog post and my Facebook page, Blog, I heard some wonderful and fascinating stories about how these infatuations affected the lives of young women ever after.  Some of them had as much impact on their lives as the Captain did on the heroine of my book!  Very, very cool.  It was also interesting for me, being super old aka 54, to learn how many of these young'uns were drawn to the very same guys I was.  Clearly Rick Springfield crosses all age boundaries!

But it would appear the guy mentioned most often was, of all people, Seth Green.  15-year-old Devin is mad for him right now, and another Rachel adored him nine years ago when she was 15, and heck, about that time I really dug him too!  I was an Oz ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer") fan but you can also enjoy Seth as Scott Evil, Mitch from "The 70s Show," or any of his dozens of other roles in film and TV. Never underestimate the power of the cute and geeky guy.  Although he shore don't look geeky in this photo, Blog.  Swoon.

Thanks to all who entered, and if alas you craved a copy of my book, on this page on my website you can find all the info to order it from your favorite retailer.  But remember, if you want the paperback, you gotta order from the publisher!

So, let's spend some quality time today thinking about that cute guy we were so into in our adolescent years.  Oh sorry, Blog... I know you're just not anywhere near 15 yet.  Although I wonder how exactly one calculates age in blog-years...

15-year-old you and your celebrity crush (and a contest)

Blog, you’re not 15 years old yet, but a lot of us passed that milestone awhile ago. And it’s to those folks that I pose the non-musical question, who was your celebrity crush when you were 15? Post your answer in the comments and you might be glad you did. But more on that a little later.

There are a couple of reasons why I choose the age of 15. One is the fact that 15 is in that interesting transitional period between childhood and adulthood. Most people have passed puberty, but not by much, so are still confused and overpowered by their new desires and attractions. Many people still cling, at least on some level, to childhood beliefs like knights in shining armor, magical princesses, and wishes coming true. There’s nothing like a celebrity crush when you’re 15. That rock star, athlete, or TV actor can make a mighty big impact.

My second reason is that Maria Grandinetti was 15 when she fell for Captain Eternity. She and her friend Sue were having a sleepover for the occasion of Maria’s 15th birthday, way back on June 22, 1974, when they discovered a late-night science fiction movie show on a local Milwaukee TV channel (remember UHF?). Said show was hosted by one handsome, sexy, mysterious space alien character who called himself Captain Eternity.

The cancellation of the show in the fall of that year did not deter Maria, like many teenagers, from clinging to her devotion to the Captain. He captured her imagination in a way that she never got over, not even 16 years later when the opportunity arose to track down the actor who played the role. Since this story is a novel I wrote, Maria was successful in the attempt. And the man she found was just as compelling, enigmatic, and attractive as Captain Eternity was.

Okay, now back to 15-year-old you and your celebrity crush. (“You” meaning our readers, Blog, not you, who sadly are not yet 15.) Picture yourself having the opportunity today to get to know that person, even have a relationship with him or her. Opens a whole weird can of worms, doesn’t it? The other day I read that a women who crushed on Eddie Munster back in the 60s (of “The Munsters” sit com) actually finally met him and they are currently dating. And taking it slowly, as any wise person would, and indeed, as Maria Grandinetti also knows she must. How exactly would you deal with the real person behind your imagined beloved hero or heroine? How can you really integrate fantasy into reality in such a dramatic way? And wouldn’t it be scary and fun?

Well, it is scary and fun when it happens in The Resurrection of Captain Eternity. I wrote this book circa 1990, which is when it takes place (Maria is a reference librarian in the days before the internet brought us all the info we can google). I published it in 1998 when the publisher slated to do so went out of business before it could be released, and I first opened my little publishing house, Living Beyond Reality Press. Being then too poor to pay for ISBN numbers, till now I have not been able to sell the paperbacks anywhere but through LBR Press.

But happily, I just published the novel in ebook form at long last! (It was a bit tricky utilizing files from 1990.) It’s available in pdf, epub and mobi formats, from LBR Press as well as Barnes & Noble’s nook store, Amazon’s Kindle store, and coming soon to Border’s ebook store. Woo hoo! In celebration of this spreading of Captain Eternity fever, for every ten people who tell me their celebrity crush from when they were 15, I will give away one copy of the book in a drawing. Your choice of formats, even the good old paperback one of which I still have plenty of stock!

It may be 20 years old, Blog, but I just reread the book and it is still utterly relevant to the experience of celebrity adulation and how we deal with it. Every generation has its Elvis Presley, Leif Garrett, Corey Haim, Jared Leto, or Rob Pattinson. And most of us have experienced that exquisitely painful longing for the unattainable idol. The dream that attaining him or her just might be possible is one we’ve all harbored. And what if it was?

What if, indeed, Blog?

So post away, readers, no later than midnight, Tuesday, August 31. I’ll contact the winners on September 1.  And if all else fails, the paperback’ll cost ya a mere $5.95 plus Media Mail postage, while the ebook is only $3.95! (See what a cheapskate I am with my contest prizes?) All you need to know to buy a copy is on the Captain Eternity page of my website.

Oh, and my celebrity crushes back in 1971? David Cassidy, Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka (wow)...

and Malcolm MacDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” even though I was too young to see the movie. (He’s kinda dreamy to this day....)

Ah, fifteen....

Channeling my inner David Bromstad

Blog, you (and husband Davie) are painfully aware at how long I have been tortured about the furniture arrangement in the living room of Magic House.  I have obsessed for years about what to do with this room.

The living room is quite big, and configured in such a way that only one arrangement of the home theater--possibly the most important element of our entire home--is feasible.  Likewise, there was only one good way to place my desk--possibly the second most important element of our home, at least for fans of my books, since that's where they happen.  We were left with a big, wasted area of floor space, some 80 square feet that served no purpose except for being the spot where I learned the "Rock Your Body" aerobic hip-hop dance.

It was very frustrating for me to watch HGTV's talented designers on TV (which I do about 857,208 hours per week) and know that they would be able to glance around our living room for maybe 20 seconds and say, "Obviously you just need to move that lamp, that potted plant, and those pictures and knickknacks, buy yourselves a [mystery item], a [mystery item], and a [mystery item], and it'll look fabulous!

Yes, I lost hours of sleep over this.  Yes, I came up with one idea after another only to reject them.  Yes, I drove Davie nuts.

Finally this week I took myself aside and said, "Listen, Birdbrain--just find a way to channel your inner David Bromstad and solve this!  Haven't you watched him for like 375,802 hours by now?"  Yes, I voted for David when he competed in 2006's "HGTV Design Star" and have watched his show "Color Splash" ever since. 

[Side note, had I been able instead to channel my inner Matt Locke, who came in second in 2008, I would have done that.  He's my design idol, and I'm thrilled to say, is now a friend as well.  But Matt didn't get his own show--yet!--so I haven't watched him for 375,802 hours yet.]

So, I reached down deep into my psyche, seeking a ripped gay man with a great smile, amazing artistic talents, and fabutastic design sense....

And gosh 'n' begorrah, it came to me.  PLUS we had a 10% off coupon for your entire purchase at World Market.

So, we just moved one lamp, the fake tree (slightly), and shifted some pictures and knickknacks, and bought ourselves a papasan chair, a matching footrest, and a small side table, and it looks fabulous!  Cost:  $185.  I can hear Vern Yip, Candice Olson, and Genevieve Gorder in a chorus, crying "This space is button!!!"

Putting the chair there was not the idea that fixed everything.  It was the footrest.  We just needed something that extended a bit into the space.  It also helped getting a chair that was round and contrasted strongly with the squarish couch, so it didn't in any way tie in visually with the home theater zone of the room.  The wood color and cushions match the bookcase, my desk, and my desk chair, bringing the grouping together.

Surprise bonuses:  a nice view of the patio, and the possibility of watching Hulu on my PC comfortably.  Best of all, it is super, super comfy-cozy for reading...and the light from the tree is actually enough to read by on my nook!

Problem solved at last.  Davie no longer has to listen to me fretting and brainstorming. 

And I knew one day those 857,208 hours per week of watching HGTV would pay off, Blog....

A dream of Ben, a spark of creativity

Blog, I'm here today to fulfill the A Creative Dreamer's July Creative Challenge, and let me waste no time in sharing my contribution.  First look at it...and then let me explain:

Is it an "art"? Is it a "craft"? Does it really qualify?  And what the heck is the story here?

Let us begin at the beginning, Blog.  The theme of this month's challenge is, simply, "Dream." And I have to say, that's one mighty broad category.  I've been struggling since the theme was announced to figure out where to go with it.  Some "dreamy" piece of beaded jewelry?  Some work in polyclay somehow expressing the topic?  I couldn't come up with anything that really inspired me.

Then a couple of nights ago, I was treated to one of those really vivid dreams about romance that I am fortunate to have a couple times a year.  Even though I haven't thought a whole lot about Benjamin Linus since "Lost" aired its series finale, he was the star of this dream. 

I know I have more than a few readers who understand how such a thing could have happened.

I've blogged a lot in the past about the strange but affective appeal of Michael Emerson's portrayal of this conflicted, engaging character.  There are lots of aspects of Ben Linus that strike a chord with this or that female (perhaps this or that male as well).  In my dream, Ben was more like his "off island" self, the wise and kind high school teacher, Dr. Linus.  He was some sort of college professor, and I was his intern or teaching assistant, and there was this unspoken chemistry between us.  I found myself totally, profoundly smitten with him...and much to my joy, I came to believe my feelings were returned, even though no words to that effect were expressed.

I woke up from this dream pretty dang happy.  I think if I could have dreams like that at will, I'd never get out of bed.  And within a day's time, it occurred to me that somehow I had to celebrate this dream for the Creative Challenge.

In my book Living Beyond Reality: A Jungian Primer for Enhancing Your Life I talk a lot about the animus, a sort of embodiment of our desires that can manifest itself in celebrity crushes.  I discuss ways to tap into or connect with that "spirit," including writing about the personalities that so strongly attract the soul.  I also mention another approach that I've found effective, and that's to draw or paint or otherwise focus on the physical image of the animus-bearing person.

Creating this digital art of Professor Linus was that sort of exercise, complimented by my little bit of free verse explaining what the portrait signifies to me.  Doing it, I did revive some emotions I had felt in my dream.  Which I assure you, Blog, was quite fun.

Meanwhile, it's a bit of a nutshell expression of my belief that if you are infatuated with an imaginary person, then real or not, that person matters.  The importance is not really the actual celebrity or character, but rather what he signifies to you and your psyche.  So there you go.

But does this digital art--a little interpretive Photoshopping and graphic design--constitute a creative craft?  All I know is, it most certainly served as a creative way of celebrating the theme of "dream."

Well, Blog, I hope I explained myself okay in this post!  At any rate, I was probably more successful than I've ever been at explaining to my husband why I'm attracted to Ben Linus...

Bet your fantasies aren't like this

Blog, I'm indulging in another rerun from my former blog.  Back in October 2008 it got a great response, so I hope our new readers will enjoy.  And for those of you who read this post in its former incarnation, take heart...just like the clip shows on TV, I'm throwing in new material at the end to make it worthwhile.  The subject:  the ridiculosity of my fantasies, illustrated by example.

When I was in grade school, a conversation with my best friend led to the discovery that not every child makes up stories for at least thirty minutes every night in bed. I was honestly convinced I was normal until that conversation. But other kids, it seemed, did not make a point of going to bed at least a half hour before they needed to go to sleep, just for the purpose of fantasizing. Sometimes these stories lasted 45 minutes, an hour, and/or ran night after night like continuing soap operas.

As a busy adult I don’t spend quite that much time fantasizing before I fall asleep. And often, this is the time I use for planning for the fiction I’m writing. But sometimes I still do as I did as a little kid and just make up stuff for fun. What kind of stuff? Are you sure you want to know?

Okay, at the risk of revealing what a total weirdo I am, here you go.

Lately I’ve been working on a really great 19th Century, Dickensian tale featuring my current fave celebrity crushes. In it, I’m a 16-year-old homeless orphan girl named Pip. I was living miserably on the streets until, cold and starving, I was found one night by a renowned hero of the “dodgy element” of London, a fellow called Mister House.

Think Fagin meets House M.D.

He has converted an old decrepit workhouse to a clothes making shop/dormitory for homeless kids like me. And instead of training us in pick pocketing like Fagin, Mister House operates the place as a legitimate business. The older kids sew simple clothes, the younger ones do mending jobs and make easy things like handkerchiefs. I happen to have learned from my deceased mom how to embroider, so they set me to work doing monograms.

Mister House is a stern, curmudgeonly taskmaster, but actually much more beneficent than his modern TV doctor equivalent. He uses the profits of the business not to get ahead, but to provide food and shelter to as many kids as he can. He may not show it, but we all know he loves us from his deeds. Naturally he’s just as humorously belligerent as the TV version. And, of course, I’m sweet on him in my girlish way.

All goes well until one day on the streets I encounter a new fellow--or at least, he’s new to me. Handsome, with dark, curly hair and a long black coat, this guy arouses my curiosity right away. He’s a storyteller, and goes around the neighborhood telling tales, mostly to crowds of children. I’m intrigued, but before I can check him out more closely, Mister House intervenes. This stranger is no stranger to him; he’s the Man in the Black Coat, and House’s urchins are forbidden to go near him. Why? No explanation, just orders!

If you can’t guess who plays the role of the Man in the Black Coat, you must be new here. :-)  [2010 Diana says, pssst, it's author Neil Gaiman.]

Well, one day I’m out wistfully staring at a fairy tale book in a bookshop window, coveting it. Who should appear next to me but the Man in the Black Coat! Before I can escape, he engages me in a fascinating conversation about how I don’t need the book, I have fairy stories, complete with pictures, in my head. I’m enthralled. But then he tells me he knows I belong to Mister House, and understands why I can’t come hear him tell stories to kids in the street.

Which results, of course, in my sneaking out to hear him tell stories. And of course he’s incredible at it and I’m head over heels. Still, I don’t want to disobey Mister House and know there must be a good reason for his command. Oh the conflict! There’s nothing like a fantasy with two charismatic protagonists at odds!

At this point in my fantasy, House M.D. character Dr. James Wilson insisted on joining the cast. Hey, no problem. He plays a wealthy, successful doctor from the upper crust, who also has a heart of gold and therefore provides free care to House’s kids. The two of them are longtime, trusted friends.

So, after my surreptitious spying on the Man in the Black Coat telling stories, I end up lost, and he ends up finding me. You know where this is going...to his rooms, of course. Soon I’m fed, entertained with more tales, and bundled up in bed. Now the innocent Pip, so naïve and trusting, learns why the Man in the Black Coat has a bad rap with Mister House. But the thing is, I don’t mind doing what the Man suggests, because I think he’s super dreamy.

Meanwhile, back at House’s place, my having gone missing has become an issue. But just then, Doctor Wilson arrives, having seen me with the Man and suspecting where I ended up. Mister House expresses his vehemence not to go anywhere near “that vile Gaiman fellow” and recruits Wilson to rescue me.

Oh the suspense!  Read on after the break...

The sexiness of genius

Some girls go for sexy pecs and six-pack abs. Me, Blog? I’m turned on by IQ.

Nothing else could possibly explain my attraction to Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory,” who is nerdier than a game room at ComicCon. Okay, I admit I’m not exactly having fantasies about the guy, but I do adore him and could listen to him talk all day.

Likewise, I will forgive Dr. House anything even though he is more cruel and insensitive than a roomful of BP execs. Okay, even he is not that bad. But he can get away with bad behavior because when no one else has a clue how to save a life, House always knows.

There’s nothing like extreme genius to get this girl’s heart palpitating. When I began reading Neil Gaiman’s work it was his brilliant intellect as much as his writing style that awed me. (The illustration here is a portrait I did of him.) Musician Jonathan Coulton writes great songs, but it’s the fact that his lyrics are about DNA and the Mandelbrot Set that really turns me on. Grant Imahara on “Mythbusters” is a cutie, but it’s because he can build a robot that can do anything his crazy bosses want is why I’m smitten with him.

Back when I split with my first husband and found myself back in the dating pool, I hooked up with a guy who was a one-way ticket to irresponsible behavior. If you’re me, that is. He was physically totally my type, was a musician who played guitar and had a gorgeous voice, and probably had the highest IQ of anyone I’ve even known personally. I think I could have dealt with Factors A and B if not for Factor C. It was very hard for me to turn away from someone that smart; sure he was bad for me in a half dozen ways, but when was I going to have a romantic shot again at someone so uberintelligent?

So, Blog, this enlightens you a tad more regarding yesterday’s confessed attraction to Dr. Hodgins from “Bones.” This geniusophilia of mine is a recurring thing, I assure you. Other crushes I’ve had in this category would include Sting (he’s not just another pretty face who specializes in tantric sex, Blog), Ben Linus (diabolical genius), Harlan Ellison (SF author I loved as a teen), Klaatu (brilliant space alien), and my high school trig teacher.

Have I ever written about any super-smart guys in my romances? Is the Pope Catholic, Blog? For starters, a couple of the protagonists in two of my favorite stories ever appear in Soulful Sex: The Darker Side. There’s the title character in “Dr. Chambliss,” who is pretty much the academic equivalent of House. And there’s also Riley Madsen, from “The Poet,” the world’s first rock star poet. The mysterious genius Eric in “Fantastic Toys” in Soulful Sex Volume II is also in this category. And there’s Sadhil Narayan, the brilliant filmmaker in my award-winning story “Alloy Love” from Soulful Sex: The Science Fiction Collection, whom you see in the portrait.

Just thinking about these guys makes me all quivery, Blog. Oh stop it, just because you’re a disembodied anthropomorphized being with a masculine vibe doesn’t give you the right to smirk!

Is there anyone else out there smitten with smarties? Any other nominees for high-IQ hotties? Hit us in the comments. Oh, and the hot links you see in this post go to entries on my old Erotica with Sex blog where I talk about said celebrity crushes, so if you’re into any of these peeps, click away for more rhapsodizing.

When dream lovers and real guys collide

Blog, I’m doing it old school in today’s post: back to my old “Love, Sex and Romance” pontificating like on my old blog. And I’m thinking about one of my favorite topics of yore: celebrity crushes.

Who’s the lucky guy? Not any of the folks that readers of my Erotica with Soul blog remember, like Neil Gaiman, Michael Emerson/Ben Linus, or Les Stroud. No, my current crush is one T.J. Thyne. Not exactly a household name, but the man has plenty of chicks smitten with him. Blog, I can see on your noncorporeal face you need more info: T.J. plays Dr. Jack Hodgins on the show “Bones.”

I’ve never tried to hide my attraction to geeks in general, and Hodgins is one mega-geek. He specializes in identifying stuff like minerals and bugs in soil samples. He spouts off long Latin names for things (and I’ll bet T.J. has to practice them for hours in order to do that). He’s a conspiracy theorist, but not the kind that takes himself too seriously. He’s cute and funny and has a smile that...okay, Blog, before I get carried away, I’ll get to my point.

In googling T.J. Thyne I discovered he not only has a Facebook fan page, but he actually personally posts to it sometimes. This was both a blessing and a curse to me: A blessing because obviously I am proud to proclaim to the world my crush on him, and clicking “like” on Facebook was the least I could do. A curse because the fact that he actually reads and posts means crossing the Maginot Line of Celebrity Crushes. Uh-oh.

What is “the Maginot Line of Celebrity Crushes,” you ask, Blog? It’s when a fan stops thinking about the public persona, the “performance” if you will, of a celebrity and connects with the reality of that person’s personality and life. All sorts of muddling can happen then if you are not careful, and being careful when you are infatuated can be hard.

See, the typical pattern of a celebrity crush goes like this:

1. You experience a performance by the actor/singer/writer/athlete. (My husband introduced me to watching “Bones.”)

2. You get that tingle of attraction to the character/persona. (I thought Hodgins was a really interesting character.)

3. You suddenly realize you are actually kinda smitten with him/her. (I started wishing every episode would have at least 200% more Hodgins.)

4. You google the person, ostensibly to find photos, or other performances, etc. (I was wondering what else T.J. had done acting-wise.)

5. You find yourself staring at the Pandora’s box of the celebrity’s real life. (Facebook page referenced above, etc.)

And what exact danger do I refer to? Well, it’s like this, Blog: With the infinitely rare exception, when you crush on a celebrity it is because of how they look, the personality of the character they play, or some other thing that appeals to you. Because of the qualities you perceive, you glom on to the person and project upon them other traits that appeal likewise to you. Thus they become the ideal “dream lover” for you.

For example, I imagine Hodgins/T.J. to be this very nice, very smart, quirky guy, who combines being awe-inspiring with being approachable. So long as I don’t learn too much about T.J. Thyne, I can continue my fantasy about what the guy is like and fairly easily distinguish my “imaginary T.J.” with the real person.

But in reading about him on his Facebook page, which includes quite a bit of stuff he’s written about his life and career, I found out that in real life he is this very nice, very smart, quirky guy, who combines being awe-inspiring with being approachable. Okay, not so smart as Hodgins, but close enough. Cue Crush Alarms! Cue Crush Alarms!

This is the point at which a person becomes tempted to somehow court the celebrity, by writing fan mail or creating a fan site or merely commenting on his Facebook status (okay, I did do that last one, Blog). Don’t get me wrong--none of these count as stalking. But here’s the problem once you cross that Maginot Line of Celebrity Crushes:

You open up the possibility of feeling like the object of your crush is not what it truly is: a fantasy lover completely within your control. You start feeling instead like he is a real, unattainable person who cannot possibly return your feelings. Which is not fun.

Oh, don’t worry, Blog. After the approximately 217 celebrity crushes I’ve had, I have finally learned to control my emotions enough that this problem never gets beyond the slightly-painful-twinge stage. Still, I like to avoid it if I can.

But I am compelled to share this cautionary anecdote nonetheless: T.J. updated his status today, a fact that made me happy since he (or rather a sort of Diana interpretation of Hodgins) has been starring in my daydreams lately. In my fantasies I often find myself calling him “Teej,” which I cannot explain except for it being an adaptation of when they called D.J. on “Full House” Deej sometimes. Well, Blog, one of the commenters on T.J.’s status, who may or may not actually be a real life friend of his, called him Teej. A spooky intersection of fantasy and real life, however trivial.

So I must persist in not feeling an unreasonable level of affection for Mr. Thyne the real person. I’m confident I can manage, but sometimes I am challenged. Take, for example, this clip of the real guy interacting at Fox Studios with another very cool person, Cat Deeley (the host of “So You Think You Can Dance”). Anyone who can so naturally segue into such a gorgeous recitation of Hamlet’s soliloquy is pretty ridonkulously hard not to love, Blog.



Lord have mercy. Okay , I’ve got it under control, really I do.

JULY 31 UPDATE:  Forget that last video, here's the one you want to watch.  This is the creation of T.J. himself and encapsulates 5 years of Jack Hodgins in 5 minutes.  So very, very nice....

Um...so your fantasies aren't like this?

Blog, even though I broke up with my old blog, aka Erotica with Soul, there were some fun posts we had together over the years.  No, I'm not thinking of cheating on you, Blog.  I'm just sayin'.  So, once in awhile I'd like to share one with our new readers.  This is one such post (from October 2008) that a number of people found pretty interesting at the time:  a peek into my admittedly wack imagination.

* * *

When I was in grade school, a conversation with my best friend led to the discovery that not every child makes up stories for at least thirty minutes every night in bed. I was honestly convinced I was normal until that conversation. But other kids, it seemed, did not make a point of going to bed at least a half hour before they needed to go to sleep, just for the purpose of fantasizing. Sometimes these stories lasted 45 minutes, an hour, and/or ran night after night like continuing soap operas.

As a busy adult I don’t spend quite that much time fantasizing before I fall asleep. And often, this is the time I use for planning for the fiction I’m writing. But sometimes I still do as I did as a little kid and just make up stuff for fun. What kind of stuff? Are you sure you want to know?

Okay, at the risk of revealing what a total weirdo I am, here you go.

I’ve been working on a really great 19th Century, Dickensian tale featuring my current fave celebrity crushes. In it, I’m a 16-year-old homeless orphan girl named Pip. I was living miserably on the streets until, cold and starving, I was found one night by a renowned hero of the “dodgy element” of London, a fellow called Mister House.

Think Fagin meets House M.D.

He has converted an old decrepit workhouse to a clothes making shop/dormitory for homeless kids like me. And instead of training us in pick pocketing like Fagin, Mister House operates the place as a legitimate business. The older kids sew simple clothes, the younger ones do mending jobs and make easy things like handkerchiefs. I happen to have learned from my deceased mom how to embroider, so they set me to work doing monograms.

Mister House is a stern, curmudgeonly taskmaster, but actually much more beneficent than his modern TV doctor equivalent. He uses the profits of the business not to get ahead, but to provide food and shelter to as many kids as he can. He may not show it, but we all know he loves us from his deeds. Naturally he’s just as humorously belligerent as the TV version. And, of course, I’m sweet on him in my girlish way.

All goes well until one day on the streets I encounter a new fellow--or at least, he’s new to me. Handsome, with dark, curly hair and a long black coat, this guy arouses my curiosity right away. He’s a storyteller, and goes around the neighborhood telling tales, mostly to crowds of children. I’m intrigued, but before I can check him out more closely, Mister House intervenes. This stranger is no stranger to him; he’s the Man in the Black Coat, and House’s urchins are forbidden to go near him. Why? No explanation, just orders!

If you can’t guess who plays the role of the Man in the Black Coat, you must be one of my newer friends. :-)  Here's one of Mr. Gaiman's more flattering portraits for you.

Well, one day I’m out wistfully staring at a fairy tale book in a bookshop window, coveting it. Who should appear next to me but the Man in the Black Coat! Before I can escape, he engages me in a fascinating conversation about how I don’t need the book, I have fairy stories, complete with pictures, in my head. I’m enthralled. But then he tells me he knows I belong to Mister House, and understands why I can’t come hear him tell stories to kids in the street.

Which results, of course, in my sneaking out to hear him tell stories. And of course he’s incredible at it and I’m head over heels. Still, I don’t want to disobey Mister House and know there must be a good reason for his command. Oh the conflict! There’s nothing like a fantasy with two charismatic protagonists at odds!

At this point in my fantasy, House M.D. character Dr. James Wilson insisted on joining the cast. Hey, no problem. He plays a wealthy, successful doctor from the upper crust, who also has a heart of gold and therefore provides free care to House’s kids. The two of them are longtime, trusted friends.

So, after my surreptitious spying on the Man in the Black Coat telling stories, I end up lost, and he ends up finding me. You know where this is going...to his rooms, of course. Soon I’m fed, entertained with more tales, and bundled up in bed. Now the innocent Pip, so naïve and trusting, learns why the Man in the Black Coat has a bad rap with Mister House. But the thing is, I don’t mind doing what the Man suggests, because I think he’s super dreamy.

Meanwhile, back at House’s place, my having gone missing has become an issue. But just then, Doctor Wilson arrives, having seen me with the Man and suspecting where I ended up. Mister House expresses his vehemence not to go anywhere near “that vile Gaiman fellow” and recruits Wilson to rescue me.

In the morning he arrives chez Man, and demands my release into his care. The Man in the Black Coat complies in a most genial manner. I’m confused as heck. But the doctor seems very kind. He takes me to his office to make sure I’m okay and talk to me about what’s happened. With amazing candor for the 19th Century, we discuss the issue; I still don’t understand what I may have done wrong and Doctor Wilson tries to enlighten me about the inappropriate nature of the Man’s advances.

He takes me home. I get back to embroidering, musing all the while on my situation. Evening comes and with it our master, who has made an especially big profit on our wares and brought us a feast. Ham, bread, potatoes, carrots, etc. and even a lovely big almond cake--it’s like Christmas. All us kids party it up, but all the while Mister House ignores me. I’m afraid he’s really mad. At long last it’s lights out, and we all curl up on our little pallets. It’s only then that Mister House tells me to come to his study. What will he say? I’m so worried!

And there it is! Can’t you see why I’m eager to go back to bed?

I told my husband about this fantasy and he just shook his head in disbelief. Needless to say, nothing like this goes on in his brain at night.

Now you might say, this is just how it is with writers, we just write stories in bed. But I still think it’s all kind of weird. For example, here we are in London, and Mister House could legitimately speak with a British accent like Hugh Laurie actually does...but he’s American. Why? I have no clue! Meanwhile, it’s not so strange that the Man in the Black Coat has a British accent, on any count (all the years in Minnesota haven’t put a dent in how Gaiman speaks). But it’s really wack that Doctor Wilson is British too, not American.

And I really got excited about that almond cake. Why an almond cake? Who knows?

So truly I am not so deliberate with nocturnal fantasies as I am with story-writing. I would never, in a story, have a character that resembled Neil Gaiman in any way be possessed of a nefarious character like this guy; it’s really sick and wrong. But in large part this whole thing is happening to me, you understand--I’m not totally in control.

Sorry this entry was so long. I caught you up on like a week of stuff here. But yeah, this is what it’s like being me.

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Now, Blog, back to present day:  I'm happy to report that this fantasy continued for many weeks thereafter.  I was engaged to Doctor Wilson, ran away with the Man in the Black Coat for awhile, etc.  But that's all neither here nor there....

I just want to know if there's anyone out there who can relate to my crazy brain!  Click the "right-on" box if you can.  Or comment, even better!