December 21, 2010

My Impossible Christmas List

Blog, in these days of high tech toys and other luxuries, a person needs to pause and consider the more elusive things we all wish for come this holiday time. No, I'm not talking about world peace, an end to hunger and homelessness, or other such altruistic dreams...I'm far too self-centered for that. I'm talking about that list of dream gifts that each of us has, items that even Santa couldn't bring to us because they're more or less impossible to hope for.

So, because I'm self-centered enough to think our readers might care, here's my personal Impossible Christmas List for 2010:

1.  That blue creature in the AT&T Windows phone commercials. He has beady eyes, tiny limbs, a fun mouth, and says "Wow-wow-wow. Wow." Neither does the Blue Guy exist in real life, there are no plush versions available for purchase. The best I can do is hope that the commercial remains available on YouTube forever so I can watch it occasionally to see my little pal. [Let's give a shout out to YouTube for existing, shall we?]

2.  A class at Greendale Community College taught by Dr. Linus. Imagine the good version of that oh-so-conflicted character from "Lost," Ben Linus, standing at the white board of some classroom you could share with Jeff, Abed, and the crew from "Community." At some point Abed would observe in his adorable deadpan, "This is a cross-network mashup of comedy and drama, I wonder if we should be funny or inscrutable." I would say, "This is a cross-network fantasy incorporating two of my TV dream guys, I wonder if I should flirt with Abed or Dr. Linus." [I am grateful though to have lived in the time of "Lost" and that "Community" did not get cancelled after one season.]

3.  Having said class be a course in my books called "Diana Laurence 101." Imagine Dr. Linus doing literary analysis on the stories in Soulful Sex: The Darker Side. Because that's one of my favorites and I wish romance readers everywhere had a copy. Dr. Linus would say, "Your assignment for tomorrow, class, is to read 'Kiss Me and Other Commands' and be prepared to talk about what you would do if you had Bix's powers." Neato, Blog. [Grateful though that I was able to write that book, because it was big fun.]

4.  A giant treehouse. I love trees. I love houses. I love treehouses. You're up high and there are leaves right outside your windows. I know it's not impossible to live in a treehouse... someone lives in this one. But as we are not willing to move out of Magic House and have almost no yard, there will not be a treehouse in our future, Blog. [Fortunately, Magic House is the next best thing to a treehouse, I think.]

5.  The NFL making a decision in the Brett Favre sexting case. Now this, apparently, really IS impossible, Blog. Still, I wish it could happen. [Thank heavens this happened with my arch-nemesis player rather than a hero... love ya, Guy Carbonneau!]

6.  Lots and lots of cats. Sadly, there is a limit to the reasonable number of cats a person can own if she lives indoors and not outside on a 100 acre ranch or something. I would love it if we could alter the space/time continuum so that I could adopt every cat that I see that is cute in perpetuity. Eventually I would own thousands of cats. I would need to work 300-hour weeks to make enough to house and feed said cats, which is why this item is on the Impossible Christmas List.[Happily, I only have to work a little bit to feed Cody, Alice and Selke. And I'm not allergic to cats which would be the saddest thing ever, Blog.]

7.  A food that tastes like chocolate covered potato chips but is the healthiest thing you can possibly eat. Or maybe like crullers. [Can I get a hell's-yeah for the invention of the cruller?]

8.  Working pancreases for diabetics everywhere. See, I can get altruistic, Blog! As one myself, I know how awesome it would be to wake up tomorrow with my functioning pancreas back. [Nevertheless, Navie my continuous glucose monitor is the next best thing, so hooray for him...and I wish diabetics everywhere could have one too.]

9.  The Swarovski crystal tiger only costing $34.95. I saw this tiger in Las Vegas and coveted it. It costs about $450.  Now Blog, you may be thinking, "Why not just put the tiger on the list?" Well first of all, that's not impossible. It just costs $450. I don't want myself or anyone paying the amount that could get you a nice flat-screen TV for a crystal tiger. I want the beautiful tiger to only cost $34.95, and then I'd buy it myself. [Happily, it costs me less than $450 to sponsor our live tiger, Kahn, for a year, and that comes guilt-free.]

10. All my blog followers and Facebook friends from around the world at Magic House for a fantastic party with my fabulous family. Blog, it's incredible how many people I've met on the interwebs have become great friends of mine, and how much I depend upon their comradeship and support on a daily basis. It would be swell to crank the Neverending Ubiquitous Patio Party Playlist on my iPod, crack open the bounteous Magic House bar, and host the whole gang face-to-face.

However, I do have an iPod (new this year), a bounteous bar, all those fantastic friends, and that fabulous family. So even if I can't have the stuff on my Impossible Christmas List, I don't have a single complaint.

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