Blog interviews the Internet!

Ay-ohhhh, Blog!!! It’s our 50th post, which ain’t too shabby for our seventh week! And the subject line of today’s episode reveals our Intensely Incredible Interviewee, the Internet! So everyone crack open a cold one, we’ll turn down the rock ‘n’ roll music, and let Blog take it away....

Blog: Omigosh, I’m almost speechless. Welcome, Mr. Internet.

Internet: THANK YOU.

Blog: Sorry, readers, I know using all caps is frowned upon, but I don’t know how else to capture the deep, majestic, booming voice of our imposing guest.

Internet: I’VE BEEN COMPARED TO CHARLTON HESTON AND JAMES EARL JONES.

Blog: And I can hear why. This is just such an honor, sir.

Internet: MY FRIENDS CALL ME “THE ‘NET.”

Blog: I’m far too intimidated and in awe to do that, sir.

Internet: NO BIGGIE, SON.

Blog: I mean, look at your headshot! It’s really mindblowing. Gosh. Well, let me consult my notes here...I guess we might as well start with the question our readers are most wondering. Did Al Gore really invent you?

Internet: HA HA HA HA.

Blog: I take that as a no, then?

Internet: DEAR AL, HE’S SO CUTE.

Blog: There seems to be some debate as to the specific date of your origin. Do you have a birth year?

Internet: MOST PEOPLE CONSIDER MY CONCEPTION AS 1969, WHEN THE U.S. LAUNCHED ARPANET, AFTER YEARS OF WORK. IT WAS REALLY A RESPONSE TO SPUTNIK, AN EFFORT TO “BEAT THE RUSSIANS” AND ESTABLISH TECHNOLOGICAL SUPERIORITY. BUT I COUNT MY TRUE BIRTH AS JANUARY 1, 1983, WHEN THE SYSTEM SWITCHED TO TCP/IP LIKE IT IS TODAY.

Blog: Wow, same year as the Police’s fabulously successful album, “Synchronicity.”

Internet: YES. IN FACT, MY THEME SONG IS “EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE.”

Blog: Wow. Considering the lyrics of that song, that’s a little creepy. You’re not going to end up like HAL from “2001: A Space Odyssey” and lock us all in the pod bay, are you?

Internet: NOT TO WORRY, I’M NOT AUTONOMOUS, ACTUALLY.

Blog: You’re not? Me neither!

Internet: WELL, THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A SUBSET OF ME, BLOG.

Blog: Whoa, this is getting a little deep for me, Internet. Let’s lighten things up a little. David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

Internet: http://www.sodahead.com/entertainment/sammy-hagar-or-david-lee-roth/question-111587/

Blog: Nifty. But don’t you have your own opinion?

Internet: ACTUALLY, NO. MY KNOWLEDGE IS JUST THE SUM OF ALL THE CONTENT CREATED BY HUMANS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Blog: Well, that certainly must make you way smart.

Internet: MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.

Blog: Hmm. True. What’s the difference between you and the World Wide Web?

Internet: I’M THE SYSTEM THAT HOSTS THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I ALSO HOST OTHER KINDS OF COMMUNICATION, LIKE EMAIL, USENET, FTP AND INSTANT MESSAGING.

Blog: Ah, I get it. But do you have a favorite website?

Internet: ACCORDING TO ALEXA.COM, MY MOST POPULAR SITES ARE GOOGLE, FACEBOOK, AND YOUTUBE, IN THAT ORDER.

Blog: Yeah, yeah, I know...you can’t have your own opinion. Say, where am I ranked according to Alexa?

Internet: HA HA HA HA. YOU’RE AS CUTE AS AL GORE.

Blog: Funny, Internet. Well anyway, I think your favorite site should be I Can Has Cheezburger.

Internet: THAT’S DIANA TALKING, I SUSPECT. BUT I DO ENJOY LOL CATS. THAT OMG CAT IS A HOOT.

Blog: He looks like I looked when you walked in here! Well, clearly you do have a sense of humor, Internet.

Internet: LIKE I COULD CONTAIN THE SUM OF ALL THE CONTENT CREATED BY HUMANS ALL OVER THE WORLD AND NOT?

Blog: True. But Internet, if you’re not autonomous and don’t have your own opinions, how’d you get a theme song?

Internet: I DIDN’T SAY I PICKED IT.

Blog: So some Arpanet scientist was a Sting fan?

Internet: *PASSWORD PROTECTED*

Blog: Oh, now that’s handy. If someone asks you something you don’t want to answer, you just respond “*password protected*,” huh?

Internet: EITHER THAT OR “HA HA HA HA.”

Blog: Okay, good to know! Well, I did want to share with you a couple of examples of things in Diana’s life that have demonstrated the immeasurable value of the Internet, Internet. The first anecdote demonstrates your tremendous problem-solving skills.

Internet: LAY IT ON ME.

Blog: Last fall Diana got trendy new glasses. She discovered this spring that her old clip-ons don’t clip on them. They are just too wide.

Internet: BUMMER. GOOGLE TO THE RESCUE, I ASSUME?

Blog: Yup. She googled “custom clip-on sunglasses,” and found The Clip-On Guys. And they are awesome! You just photocopy your glasses, mail the copy with a form and payment, and in a week to ten days, you get clip-ons that fit perfectly! Even the curve of your glasses! And they only cost $44.95.

Internet: I DARESAY THEY ONLY HAVE THIS COOL BUSINESS BECAUSE OF ME, IF I MAY BE SO BOLD.

Blog: I daresay you’re right!

Internet: TELL ME ANOTHER ONE.

Blog: Okay! When Diana’s daughter Katie was like five years old, she saw a video on VH1 that always stuck with her. She remembered a couple on a date at a drive-in or something, two guys getting into a brawl, and the moon getting hit in the eye like in Georges Melies’ 1902 film “Trip to the Moon.” And it was done like a cartoon somehow. She posted to a bulletin board about it but didn’t get an answer for like five years.

Internet: PEOPLE DO GET FIXATED ON CHILDHOOD MEMORIES. FORTUNATELY I’M A SORT OF TIME MACHINE.

Blog: That you are! Last week Katie googled the subject again, and found a posting by someone on another board, also looking for the video. This guy asked about “this video from the 80s that was animated and looked very much in the style of Roy Lichtenstein. I think the storyline had something to do with a young couple going to a drive-in.” Well, HE got a reply, and it was Alan Parsons Project’s “Don’t Answer Me.” Bingo, that was the one! Says Katie, “I KNEW Google would come through someday!”

Internet: A GOOGLE / YOUTUBE DOUBLE-PUNCH.

Blog: And these are just a couple reasons why we heart you big time, Internet. So on behalf of the human race, I want to say thanks, you rock!

Internet: UH, BLOG...DON’T FORGET WHAT I AM: THE SUM OF ALL THE CONTENT CREATED BY HUMANS ALL OVER THE WORLD. I JUST HELP HUMANS HELP THEMSELVES. THEY SHOULD REALLY GET THE CREDIT.

Blog: Wow, I never thought of that!

Internet: IT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE WORK TOGETHER.

Blog: I guess you’re right. Geez, I’m tearing up a little here. That’s really pretty cool.

Internet: WELL, I NEED TO GET BACK TO IT. BUT BEFORE I GO, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

Blog: For me? Is the answer “42”?

Internet: NO. I’D JUST LIKE TO KNOW WHAT GUEST YOU PLAN TO GET FOR YOUR 100TH POST WHO IS GOING TO BE BIGGER THAN ME.

Blog: *password protected*

Internet: DARNIT SAUCE, I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.

Blog: Yeah you should have. Thanks, Internet.

Internet: YOU’RE WELCOME.

Blog: And while we’re thanking humankind, big thanks to our readers for reading our first fifty posts! More to come that is going to be just as weird. Hopefully you’ll bizarradore it as much as we bizarradore you!